surely you can't be serious!

yes, i am, and don't call me shirley!

today is 31 march, shirley jones' birthday. you may know her better as shirley partridge, the painted-bus-driving-velvet-pantsuit-kvetching mother of partridge family fame. ahhh, a simpler time ... david cassidy at the kissing booth, laurie's braces picking up npr, reuben kincaid and the sandwich that is named after him (j.k.) ... childhood, youth, vim, and vigor!

alas, now we sit with reading glasses perched on the rim of our noses, in bed at an untimely 9:30 pm whilst children watch hockey games, re-read a series of unfortunate events, and arrange sleeping arrangements in camp cabins with friends online. cancer is loosening it's grip and jane and i are back to quibbling about which continent to visit on our next journey, and whether we should err on the side of history, or pure hedonism. can't we do both?

one year ago, we find ourselves frantically thinking about preparing for marlee's upcoming bat mitzvah - which follows on the heels of jared's bar mitzvah one year earlier (which is preceded by a journey through the indian sub-continent and followed by a visit to amsterdam, a dream sequence in marrakech, and macarons in paris). thinking about being the operative words, and vowing that 'when it's all over' we will take it easy, not make plans, just go with the flow. then rwanda pops up, paris (again) too, and finally breast cancer rears it's ugly head. so much for taking it easy.

so now it is our time. to really put our noses to the grindstone, work, do the daily thing, and not focus on what's coming down the pike. put college (rightly) out of our heads. and just move forward, one step at a time.

so, happy birthday shirley! blow out the candles, and enjoy the moment!!! we think we love you!

thinking ahead

as jane recuperates, we all begin to think ahead ... a future free of complications (is there such a thing???). gilda and morris talk about coming for a visit, as do my parents. we are thinking a bit about our upcoming trip to miami for passover, and about summer camp, and even a summer adventure (sadly, july and august are the rainy season in ethiopia, so that may be out for now). we discuss next february, perhaps a reconfigured trip to asia, or maybe brazil, south africa, argentina?

the point is, we are now measuring time and distance by different standards ... not by the next 'treatment', or surgery - no, now we are back to regular standard time. the parameters are once again school breaks, work schedules, and holidays - the good 'ol normal stuff. and what a relief!

today we enjoy breakfast in the city, as usual, but with the kids this time. we languish in the bookstore on prince street, go for a walk through chinatown (sunny but brisk), and make our way home for r&r mid-afternoon. last night we enjoy an middle-eastern movie with friends (the band's visit) and a delicious dinner out ... so much fun, so normal and relaxed.

we do have one step next monday, a week from tomorrow - jane's reconstructive surgery, which is more of a 'procedure' than anything, and they're predicting that she'll be out and about the day after ... so it's all good. another blip on life's radar (and hopefully nothing more than that). what's nice is that she'll be 'done' by the time we leave for passover ...

the journey continues, and expands ...

rules of engagement

last evening we have the opportunity to go to our synagogue, where andi's grade is leading the friday night service. these youngsters are well prepared and shining bright - everyone knows their lines and parts, where to stand, when to approach and when to step away. it is well choreographed and the event runs smoothly ... all parents are proud.

what is especially interesting is that this particular group of kids seems engaged. i'm not professing that they are all future rabbis, but they are not a rowdy, hypercrazed bunch of children. they smile, they look you in the eye, they are focused on what they are being asked to do. this at the end of the week, when they could easily be bouncing off the walls.

we often discuss with our peers how all hope is lost for today's enfants terribles - the video games, the lack of motivation, the constant vacations, the cell phones and video chatting. horrible spelling. temper tantrums. overindulgence. but at the end of the day - quite literally in this case - they astound us with their resolve to be a part of something larger than their own little world and their own little needs.

it's both impressive and gratifying, because as we all are aware, balancing work, home life, social life, older parents, younger kids - it's a gratifying although exhausting experience. so to look around a room on a friday night and feel inserted into something that takes us away from all of those directions (calgon!) - well, it's a beautiful thing!

she blinded me with science

jane is a big proponent of proficiency in the sciences. being a medical doctor with a penchant for this field, she understands the essential nature of encouraging an interest in this area. this starts at a young age, and tonight we attend the science fair at andi's school.

budding minds enlightened by research and development ... well, who knows how it will turn out for these youngsters. but one thing is for certain. we need inquisitive minds if we are going to solve the riddles of cancer, renewable sources of energy, and other challenges which threaten the quality of life for all inhabitants of the planet.

it is unfortunate that those that do make it to the top of the scientific heap rarely have the financial where-with-all to fun all of the research that they would like to carry out. equally atrocious is the fact that their counterparts in other fields - sports, finance, and even the arts are rewarded handsomely for their efforts. that nobel prize winners reap the relatively paltry sum of 1 million dollars is shameful, particularly when 18 year old 'star' athletes make 10 times or 100 times this amount.

however, a love of deeper understanding - of space, physiology, or nature - is in itself a great reward. we can only hope that those with this yearning will continue to be drawn to a field that in an increasingly absurd and pop-oriented culture is seen as an area without glamor and luster.

i sincerely hope that we can all join in to support those that truly are making huge contributions to society. their legacy extends beyond the 'end of the season', the fourth quarter, or the analysts' predictions of quarterly earnings.

yes we CAN, sir

in researching the words CAN and SIR for today's entry, i came across a couple of interesting things related to the topic.

the word CAN, which is an acronym for many different things (controller area network, or climate action network) is also the end of obama's tag line 'yes we can'. there is an interesting video circulating on youtube delivering this message musically - some of you may have already seen it, but if you haven't it worth a look [click here to see it]. i saw it initially about six weeks ago, and it is quite nice.

the word SIR has it's origins in other places, although it too has many other uses (studio instrument rentals, southwestern international raceway, or society of interventional radiology). it is derived from the french honorific title sire (messire gives 'mylord'), from the old french sieur (itself a contraction of seigneur meaning 'lord'), from the latin adjective senior (elder), which yields titles of respect in many european languages. the form sir enters english in 1297, as title of honor of a knight, being a variant of sire [which has been used in English since 1205 as a title placed before a name and denoting knighthood, and to address the male sovereign since 1225].

so there you have it, today's play on words. CAN-SIR, as in: yes, sir, we can, sir, beat this cancer.

dissection

it seems as we emerge from events of the last few months, we are all moving more independently of each other. perhaps it's the onset of spring, or a need or desire to reestablish our own identities. identities which are not rooted in being patient or caregiver, roles that we probably have a modicum of resentment for. the will to escape that now propels us further into our own reemergence - as people, professionals, parents.

along these lines, i play hookie all day. i am fortunate to attend an intimate gathering at the united nations, where we have lunch overlooking the east river and hear the consular representative to rwanda speak about rebuilding that country. his frank and honest description of despair and hope leave him emotional at the podium. anne, the woman who is the genesis (genius?) behind the program that i am working on in africa is also in attendance at this intimate gathering, and she too speaks about her goals and vision for the youth of rwamagana and the country as a whole. all in all, a very inspiring and stimulating afternoon.

it is a glorious spring day in new york city, and i stroll along fifth avenue - no email, no phone, just new york and i. i put everything else outside of me - and just focus on this great feeling. i catch a french movie mid-afternoon at the sumptuous paris theater - what could be better - and when i retract myself from the cinema at 6:15 it is still light out. the streets are filled with italian families who have flown over on the cheap to celebrate their 'easter break' and shop with their strong euros. i make my way to the museum of modern art, where i am attending a wine and cheese reception sponsored by carleton university. i sip chardonnay and munch on goat cheese, overlooking the spectacular sculpture garden of this venerable institution. this too is an intimate gathering, only ten people, so it's like being a kid in a candy store. we are treated to a selection of five canadian short films in the time warner theater, where laurence kardish, the moma's curator of film and a graduate of my university, frames the contents.

a short stroll through town, and i'm back in the car heading home - the kids are tucked away in bed, as is jane when i get back. marlee is packed for washington, where she'll be over the next three days with school, and not a creature is stirring, not even a mouse.

a day to myself in new york - a much needed antidote to the winter and fall, on all levels.

that which don't kill 'ya, can only make 'ya stronger

in the car this evening, i am listening to a bbc world report on the situation in afghanistan. local afghanis are resentful of ngo and foreign aid workers in kabul, who are living the high life at the serena hotel, in local restaurants, and at their own private rented mansions. all this amidst an indigenous population with a life expectancy of 45 years.

there's that number again, 45 years. i hear it in rwanda, and bantered about in bangladesh. how, tell me how, is it possible in this day and age that people are expiring at such an early point in their lives? and it briefly flashes across my mind. i myself had heart issues a number of years ago, resulting in the need for a stent followed by a steady course of medications and a controlled diet with plenty of exercise. jane now completes her active battle against breast cancer, involving mastectomy and chemotherapy, to be followed up with lifelong doctor visits, controlled diet with plenty of exercise.

it is quite possible to imagine, to extrapolate in fact, that we two would reach an untimely demise if we had the great misfortune of contracting our various afflictions in some place other than 'the west'. if we were peasant farmers in bhutan, or possibly factory workers in china, would we survive these maladies intact, or at all?

so these are the inequities that tip the scales of life, which for certain is not fair or just in any manner. part of being human and making it through is recognizing these frailties and celebrating in spite of them.

on a lighter note, this evening we enjoy a lovely time with iris and hadas at danny meyer's jazz club beneath blue smoke (having just eaten at his nearby shake shack on saturday, i can say that the food is tasty but reserved, somehow lacking juice). our friends' friend, gilad the percussionist, is playing a set with his band, and we kick back for some bbq and live music. a great and mesmerizing experience, and so easy. jane shamelessly flirts with the artist when he joins us at our candlelit table after the show - what a hussy - and i take this as a good sign. he flashes his charming smile and she giggles gleefully.

girls just want to have fun!

h

full house

a busy and fun weekend continues, although maybe not so much for jane, who is on call through monday. beepers buzzing, running into the hospital in the early morn, etc.. a bit of sniffling from the taxotere and other hypersensitivity reactions ... but getting there, slowly but surely.

we are all buoyed and occupied with stuart and eileen's visit, and seeing our nephew josh and niece amanda. they arrive on sunday as we are on our way home from a lovely brunch - sort of a 'jewish easter' celebration - on this, most lovely of spring days. we enjoy a big sunday lunch together, then start to get ready in costumes for a new jersey bat mitzvah ... it's a 'purim party' so everyone is asked to be dressed in inspired finery, and josh and amanda are joining us to. that's seven costumes to find and outfit at the last moment (what else is new for us!) ... but we pull it off. jane is a witch, i'm a goth version of 'snape', marlee is a japanese maiden, josh is a chinese waiter, amanda is a karate black belt, jared a baseball player, and andi a mid-fielder for the moroccan soccer team.

we have a fabulous time at the fete, lots of good friends, music, food, and general merriment - and needless to say, the kids have a blast. after a positively tortuous drive home - agonizing really - we make it back to long island. blowing up beds, covering pillows, and undoing costumes is followed by a relatively early evening ... another day tomorrow, action packed as ever.

two weeks from today, and jane goes in for reconstruction surgery, which i'm sure will advance the whole process forward.

hold the mayo

kids coming and going, lunches made and eaten, a frenzy of blow up mattresses and pillowcases. the kids are well occupied while jane and i continue on our way ... the weekend arrives with a lovely shabbat dinner at friends and a bit of calm interspersed with lively political discourse!

jane is feeling well although i can see the whole process has taken it's toll. today she is on call, and must go into the hospital early to check on the patients. i opt to wake the kids nice and early - getting tired of seeing them in their pj's all day - and we zip into the city. we have breakfast at le pain quotidien on madison, hit gagosian gallery, the biennale at the whitney, and head downtown for a late lunch at danny meyer's shake shack (a real hit with the kids, dining al fresco!). jane has a chance to relax and chill in the afternoon in our absence - a good rest.

this evening we prepare for tomorrow - amanda and josh, the cousins, will be here tomorrow! everyone's looking forward to seeing the gang, and we have a brunch at bat mitzvah to enjoy ... action packed, so nice to have taken it easy on this 'sandwich day' ...

moving forward, slowly but surely ...

creative burst of energy

amidst jane's recovery, there is also rebirth.

she conjectures that this breast cancer occurrence has brought us face to face with our own mortality ... as if parenting does not remind us of this all the time. although right from the get go jane is handed a very good prognosis for a speedy and full recovery, it's hard not to have the flip side launch in your brain - no matter how optimistic you are.

so we play out these little scenarios of 'what if' - how would either of us manage without the other ... and i'm talking pure logistics here. not love, or looking out over a sunset in our golden years - simply, how would it all work if something were to happen. the decision making, being in two places at the same time, balancing work with a well-rounded family life, still making time for charitable efforts, etc..

i suppose that all of this, coupled with the fact that we've been in an 'interrupted' mode of sorts since november, has taken it's toll. the unexpected fringe benefit is that there is a lot more power, determination, and drive in the air - or at minimum, in the house. a creative burst of energy of sorts. whether in tidying up and getting rid of stuff, or in realizing new and exciting art pieces, we find ourselves - through our endeavors - looking ahead. and that's not just the regular forward thinking (what's happening over the summer? when is marlee's middle school graduation? when is baseball season starting?). no, this is really a much more profound vision. it is one of hope, of renewal, of life affirmation. it's also very empowering after emerging from a period where there's been precious little control over anything at all!

it's nice whipping everything into shape, producing, refocusing, and just doing it!

h

work out

at first, there's thanksgiving-
four days on the clock,
the pilgrims did start it,
upon plymouth rock ...

and quickly december,
does follow it's wake,
to a marvelous season,
and another school break!

january finds us all
singing the blues,
but thanks to martin luther,
there's still more good news ...

a nice monday off,
just to give you some time,
after all, it's been two weeks;
children are in their prime!

with that all behind us,
february's so cold -
but fear not, with a week off,
you won't feel so old ...

and this year, a new one -
a march break of sorts -
five days with no school now,
'go visit some ports' ...

and after next monday,
excepting shabbat,
the kids will be at school,
believe it or not!

but wait, i've forgotten,
there's passover too -
a week of hard matzah
(and nothing to do!)

the best one i've heard
is memorial day -
this year it is FIVE days,
what more can i say ...

so enjoy your dear easter,
and fun purim too,
and recall, with this time off,
there's more meals to do!

activism 101

as we move through this election season, we find our nation in a troubled state (mild understatement). financial markets running amok, a never-ending war on foreign soil (threatening to expand to neighboring iran), gas and home heating prices soaring with no sign on sustainable energy on the horizon, gun control, abuse of drugs.

and these are just some of the immediate concerns affecting our collective judgment. the larger issues still loom - lack of universal and affordable health care; a lagging education system which trails other developed nations in sciences and language; racial divides; and capitalistic interests which are often both beneficial to and at odds with the needs of americans.

and yet, as a people, the citizens of this country are by and large incredibly philanthropic. with both time and money, we give of ourselves to all manner of interests - political, health, causes of justice, and international aid relief. although we may not be as altruistic as the residents of norway on a per capita vs. gross domestic product basis, we're 'doing just fine'.

the question is, why are we so ready, in fact, so eager to help, to assist? to demand of ourselves this form of giving, while not holding our political leaders to the same standards when making policy? americans are a fortunate and gregarious bunch - maybe it's our nature? and there is a common popular culture which binds 300 million people together ... that probably helps propel this ideals forward to. we're also a fairly religious bloc - associated with churches, synagogues, mosques - which run programs to help the less fortunate.

the flip side of all of this is the actual NEED for us to be involved - not because we're being nice, but because we have no other choice. of late, jane has been called to service by a number of people - to run programs or discuss issues relating to breast cancer. to be involved. and for certain, she's all over it - a way to help, to inspire, to move research forward. great. but there's only so much one can do when ordinary women who don't have reliable health care are locked out of mammograms and testing - either because they lack the necessary coverage or are under the impression that it is not available to them. and, if they should uncover anything damning, will there be a treatment that they can afford?

these gaps in just this one arena are what ordinary americans are filling in with their time and money. and it's truly inspiring, and a great thing for our children to see. don't get me wrong. i applaude the private work carried out by individuals and foundations formed to respond to needs that they deem critical to a fair and just world.

but just as we demand of ourselves, we should hold our current and future leaders to the same standards. instead of bowing to special interests, all COMMON interests should be the very special interests which worthy of attention, funding, and resolution.

h

mid-century modern

we are fortunate to be celebrating happy occasions with our friends!

today we are all back in the swing of the week, abbreviated as it is for the kids, who are 'off' (again!) as of wednesday ... poor darlings need some r&r, after all! a beautiful, picture perfect, almost-spring day goes quickly - and back home to change and venture out again.

rochelle's big surprise - jeff has planned a fantastic get together for her birthday, and we're all in on it ... she's shocked and it goes off without a hitch! old friends gather around for a fun, special night of revelry ... really fantastic to celebrate this great milestone for someone who is so deserving of everyone's love and good wishes! (for photos of the fete, click here).

jane in her nouveau-hair, which everyone raves about. most don't recognize her at first - 'where's jane', they query. 'right behind you', i reply, and they turn around disoriented for a moment. 'love your hair', they say ... 'is it a new style?' ... you could say that! its' almost difficult to remember that it's not only new, it's faux! long hair, short hair - who knows what it will be. but lookin' good and feelin' fine. some people at the party haven't seen jane since she started chemo, and it seems like yesterday that they were reassuring us that it would go by so quickly - and here we are, done with that process ... time flies when you're having - well, never mind.

a nice day draws to a close in style!

h

equilibrium

as jane mends, quite well actually, and SO much quicker with this land round of chemo, i believe that we are mentally assessing, adjusting to, and recovering from this experience. which does not mean to imply that it is definitively over, but we have crossed through a major barrier.

i would say that we are having growing pains. our reality has shifted, coinciding with teenagers growing up in the house, our desire to propel ourselves further in our work, and opening up our lives to a broader world. the impending election, impending over-fifty, impending empty nest ... all things coming up on the horizon. of course, not immediately, but the next wave in a certain sense.

and we really aren't there yet. the past six months have been focused on the moment, and really not too much beyond that. so as we shed this 'skin' we need to find a way to cope with what's next. really, in some ways this has been the toughest thing to go to ... when one is preoccupied with the present, it's strange to regroup and think about the mid and long term again.

ironically, as we are now more 'in the clear', our lives seem heavier, more serious, more tense. perhaps it's just clearing up from the last little while - we have been throwing out everything that's not nailed down. and certainly, the huge effort involved in keeping all the pieces moving since november - regular work, the kids' schedules, dinner on the table, a normal social life - has also taken it's toll. so instead of lightness and gaiety, we're experiencing something more somber. and remarkably, this is uncharacteristic, as we rarely have such issues with transitions ...

thankfully, everyone has 'hung in there' with us, maintaining contact as usual, because i could see how it would be feasible for us to shut ourselves off. not on purpose or for any particular reason, but simply because we're in this mode of confusion and construction. gearing up for life as usual does not seem to be so easy or as smooth of a transition as what we had imagined or hoped for ...

the palm

the stately and elegant palm -
palm sunday is tomorrow ...
palm pilots give a false sense of organization ...
the palm jumeirah project in dubai gives a false sense of man' mastery over nature ...
the fate of the health of naples' residents rests in the palms of community leaders ...
palm trees are planted by nomads in africa ...
the palm restaurant used to serve one hell of a steak ...
palm reading will not lead to a brighter future ...
palm oil production has wiped out family agriculture in malaysia ...
and, who doesn't love palm trees?

friday and saturday pass quickly - and the same will be true for the next little while, as the kids are off school AGAIN for a good portion of next week. but we definitely have moved forward, evidenced by the herculean cleanup of the kids stuff which took place today, the reorganization and removal of papers (some recycled in my art work), and the thought of life beyond april.

friday found us having shabbat dinner with friends, which was, as always, warm and lovely and calm. we really look forward to these end-of-week evenings, and it's really something that i'm happy we've carved out. it really connects blocks of time, and in addition to just being relaxing, allows us to weather more difficult periods in consistency.

today we are at synagogue in the morning - which has been happening with less frequency now that jared and marlee have moved past the bar and bat mitzvah era. andi receives achievement awards for his work in hebrew school, very cute. and again, we get to catch up with familiar faces. back home, the family organizes, and the kids make plans with friends for later in the day ...

it is so bright and sunny well into the evening, it's really a pleasure and very uplifting. jane and i have a cocktail party to attend, and we're actually awake at 9pm when we leave. she looks fetching in a new dress purchased on our shopping spree this week ... and feeling great!

tomorrow - café gitane, palm sunday, ilyssa's birthday brunch ...

busy signal

it's a curious thing, and this is just something that i'm noticing, not necessarily complaining about. everyone is telling me how 'busy' they are. i'm not quite sure why this is popping up right now - tax time? spring fever? summer looming? who knows. what i do know is that each time i speak with someone, they are professing their 'busy-ness'.

it is kind of funny, because the people that i think are REALLY busy never seem to articulate the fact that they are juggling a million things at the same time. they just do it (hey, maybe nike is onto something after all!). we all know the old adage: have something that needs to get done? give it to a busy person!

and i believe it's fair to say that virtually everyone IS busy! really busy! work, family, life, friends - there are never enough hours in the day. so by stating the obvious, one is actually using up precious time whilst being redundant ... hmmm. and it does sometimes smack of self-righteousness. and jane is working full time while going through chemo. so i guess it's a bit difficult for me to wrap my head around this whole 'extra busy' thing.

so what's the key to keeping it all flowing? multi-tasking of course! shifting gears quickly! completing tasks! delegating! making lists! or, ehhhh, perhaps none of the above. i certainly haven't figured it out, but i do know one thing - a glass of wine in the evening sure takes the edge off!

jane is coming along, feeling well but sleepy, so it's an early night for all - no matter how busy we are!

h

maria, callous

today is perfectly lovely and productive. organized. pleasant. jane is really, really feeling well - so much better than chemo treatment number 3, really not at all beat up like last time!

so much so, that we decide to go to the lower east side for asian at kampuchea, where jane has been wanting to eat for a year - it's nothing fancy, but cute - perfect for wednesday night out with the kids. maria calls to say she'll join us, so an added bonus! we are downtown in 35 minutes, incredible, and park just outside the restaurant. we visit a gallery, see the shops, and sit down for a bit in the very quiet space.

the menu is limited - both in number of choices, and by the fact that almost every one of the (few) dishes has both pork and tiger shrimp ... we don't eat either (kosher restrictions, jane's allergic to shellfish, etc.). when we inquire as to whether they could simply leave it out, we are told NO! the chef is philosophically opposed to altering the palette of the dish.

huh? no, better we should keel over from a reaction. and it's not like there are a hundred vegetarian choices on the menu! very callous, indeed!!!

now if this were momofuko - packed to the gills, and all pork items 'baked into' the steamed buns, etc. - it's pretty hard to substitute if something is integral to the dish. but really - a soup? which already has a million ingredients? you can't leave out a couple of shrimp? ugggghhh.

and believe me, kampuchea is NO momofuko. at any rate, a positively lovely time is had with maria and alicia - we miss daniel and matthew - and we're so happy to lay eyes upon them! jane tucks into 'inoteca for an affogato (espresso over ice cream) after dinner, and the boys - who have otherwise been delightful - decide to have an all out brawl in front of our friends. totally embarrassing and immature, making steam come out of my ears! so much for a happy ending to the day!

50 is the new 40

today, jane takes stays in - no work, just recuperating! i'm actually amazed, simply amazed, that she's heeded my advice and listened to her own body - she knows that post-chemo tuesdays are rough for her, and she wisely decides to conserve her energy - bravo!

she does sit, lie, and relax - incredible! and after all that, she IS feeling okay - a bit sore here and there, but good nonetheless. some doctor's appointments beckon, and we go together, even stopping at h&m for a little shopping - flirty dresses, flouncy tops, hip hugging jeans - and although her heart's not in it, she does get a boost from it. we return home, a sunny afternoon, and jane takes it easy. busy preparing dinner, talking to debbie in bruxelles, baking a cake, and we decide on an impromptu and quick, light dinner in honor of rochelle's impending birthday (she'll be away on the big day, so there's no time like the present).

how nice to celebrate these milestones. after all, getting old positively sucks, but NOT getting old is even worse. and we're not quite at the walker & depends stage yet, so yah, we'll take all those candles and happily extinguish them while looking forward to another year. we know too many people who have had their share, so it's our time to take a little back!!!

as i wait for my own cardiology appointment today (routine) i tell jane: "see, you've already had your big thing, your cancer ... think of all the rest of us, just waiting for the other shoe to drop! see how much you're ahead of the game!".

she just rolls her eyes (routine).

paris in the spring

we rarely need an excuse for an escape, although i'd say the last little bit has lead us to a hankering for all things french. a tartine at café sesame. a cheese plate at fromagerie 31. a glass of wine outside in st. germain. a late night romp through the palais de tokyo, or dancing on the batofar. or maybe a midnight movie at mk2.

i think that's a good sign - moving forward, thinking ahead - shopping, walking, bike riding, and general merriment (not the eliot spitzer kind, of course!). at least we know we're vulnerable, not like the governor! oh, when will they ever learn?

alas, no paris today, just back in the saddle (jared does remark after school that he feels as if he's been on holiday - he must have had some weekend, 'cuz i NEED a holiday!). jane is totally zombied from lack of sleep, although frankly this last round of chemo has not been nearly as bad as number 3. she's definitely a bit worn around the edges, but altogether whole and fine - last time it was as if she had been slammed against a wall. i'm sure that the psychological boost of completing this course is also physically uplifting. tomorrow we'll do a bit of shopping at lunchtime, maybe get some spring frocks to go with that mood.

jane is invited to join a trip to israel (ruth, you're the best!), but can't actually go as her surgery is scheduled for that time in early april ... too bad, i would have loved for her to go! we drop by a dear and hysterical friend late afternoon who just had a similar procedure to jane (yes, another), who's doing amazing! so happy to see!

kids have been good of late! outside playing ball, reading, i-chatting, and not completely and utterly hyper like normal. very sweet actually, nice to be in a good groove and not shrieking at the top of my lungs like usual.

so that's it for today - dinner's done, laundry's folded, lunches packed, work tied up - and chaos slowly but surely drawing to a close!

h

spring is in the air

it all seems quite appropriate ... the change of seasons coinciding with this new phase in this current situation. the clocks are moved forward, mimicking our own momentum, and we have the road all to ourselves as we zip in for breakfast. a first - we have café gitane all to ourselves, not a soul in sight! all the hipsters, who sleep late to begin with, probably tumbling in from their evenings around the same time that we're getting up - they're in bed still. it's a gorgeous, clear day and we enjoy our morning routine. jane is a changed person, mentally, and feels rejuvenated. spring indeed. we've sprung forward!

when we get back, the kids are still sleeping (speaking of hipsters going to bed too late!). we get them up and out the door - andi and marlee have their artwork in a show at adelphi university - and we have a chance to see the exhibit, chock full of really terrific pieces by budding painters, sculptors, and photographers ...

the light is so different, just from this one hour time change, and the afternoon is bright and mild. we have a big sunday dinner and rush out for ice cream! it seems insane, but it feels like summer! we settle everyone down early, so jane and i can watch our argentinian movie in bed - live in maid - a film documenting the life changes resulting from the economic crisis which shook this country and shifted the dynamics of buenos aires' former elite. compelling.

enjoy the light!

sat-all-day

jane needs her rest! despite the chemo, feeling so upbeat and relieved to be done with this process. she agrees to venture out with me early in the day, a bit of shopping and errands, then is zonked by lunchtime - no sleep on friday night thanks to the steroids yesterday. so she's definitely tired, and we encourage her to just lie about and hang out (which she does). the day drifts by, i do my thing, the kids theirs, and we marvel that everything seems to be semi-on-track. i make a delicious lunch from friday night dinner remnants - a delicious and quick soup and a yummy salad - and other confections are whipped up.

it's a lovely afternoon, marlee prepares for a bar mitzvah, then her and jared are out for the night. andi entertains, and we have a light dinner - jane's not up for much more than that - and by the time everyone gets back in, we're toast! the kids stay up until all hours - saturday night live takes on new meaning here - and us old folks retire, happy to hit the sheets.

daylight savings time begins (appropriately - a new dawn?), and breakfast in the city awaits, so we need our beauty sleep ...

very therapeutic indeed!

ahhh, the joys of therapy. massage therapy. art therapy. analytic therapy. chemotherapy.

say what?

strike that last one from the record. today we are done!!! blow the whistle! ring the bell! sing praise! the final, and i do mean FINAL, chemo treatment is over. tension builds all week leading up to today's big event - jane and i cannibalizing each other and anyone in our path (frayed nerves) ... anxiety, no hope, despair, fatigue. and it all lifts today as we stare (not glumly) into the macbook's shiny face, watching ratatouille serenely (fantastique indeed). drip, drip, drip go the liquids, coursing through veins, and we just smile, even stopping to smell the roses and catch an episode of the partridge family after the movie!

we are totally transformed by the oft-elusive 'closure' brought on by this event. jane has been reluctant to do follow-up surgery sooner rather than later, despite being given the all clear, and we quarrel about this (few days ago). today she's fine with it - almost unable to think about 'the next step' until this one draws to a close, which it has. everything is back on track, and we skip through our grande luxe salads, make our way home, and are energized. the kids appear, as does vivi with an incredible dinner, iraqi style, which we enjoy with much appreciation and an exalted appetite!!! i have work in the afternoon, jane hangs out, andi at art, jared and marlee slurping 7-11 slushies and doing the teenage thing.

we all enjoy the shabbat dinner festivities, together in the dining room to mark the occasion. thankful for the passage of time, for the support and encouragement we've received, for jane's quite excellent prognosis for a long and happy future, and for another weight lifted on the odyssey.

shabbat shalom, indeed!

i love, i love, i love my calendar girl!

it seems like just yesterday. me - in my hotel room overlooking pristine lake gisenyi, on the border with the democratic republic of congo, in rwanda. pondering the tranquility of the scene, juxtaposed with the humanitarian and political crisis just over the border post. jane - at home in wintry new york, learning that she has a chance to maximize her odds of not having any sort of cancer recurrence, and exploring chemotherapy as an option.

at the time, we agree that it's probably the best thing to do, and that if we cancel our trip to hong kong and tokyo, jane can start the first of four treatment straight away in january. "i'll be done by march 7th", i remember. surprising short and manageable, and yet excruciatingly far away.

well, here we are. tomorrow is march 7th, the last of four sessions. it's all quite pedestrian now - the netflix movies, the seltzer bottles, the colorful bag full of 'stuff' purchased in amsterdam over thanksgiving weekend, the headphones to drown out the loud tv played by one of the patients who's always there. then grand luxe for a salad, home for a latté, and winding down with a lovely shabbat dinner brought by friends (this week, the nassims - thanks!). a routine that, despite making the best of a bad situation, we will be happy to say 'good riddance' to!

of course, it's not like waving a magic wand. it will take a few weeks for jane to feel back to herself (this last 'recovery' was particularly arduous), and then the real recuperation takes place ... back to exercise, hair eventually growing back, chemo brain (chemo-nesia) lifting, shifted weight disappearing. a nip and tuck here and there, and it will be like a bad dream!

that day in rwanda, hearing the news, seems like a moment ago and a million miles away. the end of this part of the journey ushers in a new period ...

semantics

arrest: as in arrested development
breast: 'nuf said about that
crest: as in, once we're on the other side of this
dressed: salad or clothing
est: french direction, as in 'middle est' policy
guest: a visitor - you?
invest: in a good sense of humor
jest: it's all one big joke
lest: we forget
messed: up
nest: not empty, for the birds
ouest: french again, as in go 'ouest' young man
pest: don't be one
quest: for the truth
rest: up!
test: again? not another one!
vest: play your cards close to yours
west: side is the best side
zest: a little goes a long way

red state, blue state

what state of mind are you in?

the state of things to come ... we've been waiting for results seemingly daily since november. and here we are again - but this time, no blood is drawn (at least, not jane's). we're on tender hooks nonetheless.

obama? hillary? what's going to happen? how will this affect us as we move forward - as parents, as travelers abroad, in health care, the environment? there's no way to tell - just check the clock ... and the internet ... and the tv.

standing on the edge of a precipice, hoping for the best on all accounts - the election and the end of jane's treatments - and looking towards a bright future (fingers crossed).

h

where's the humor in that?

funny, how humor can come and go ...

of late, i've realized that there was more levity apparent in our house after jane was diagnosed with breast cancer, and subsequently had surgery, than there is in our house now. don't get me wrong, we're still enjoying, and laughing, etc.. i feel as if WE are not funny anymore. at least, not in the present moment. and i chalk that up to pre-occupation, being battle-weary, the election, the decline of the dollar against the euro, the never-ending war, thinking about college, and the general state of the planet.

andi and i go out for a bite this evening while jane delivers a talk to the hebrew high school students (much to their horror, jared and marlee included). as i eat a bowl of chili, i stare at the meat and wilt at the thought of cows going to slaughter. i glance over at andi's grilled chicken salad (seemingly innocuous enough) and have visions of thousands of chickens cooped up in, well, a coop. squawking. ugggghhh. maybe i'll become a vegetarian ...

are these the thoughts of someone who is light and airy? or who would otherwise find life quite amusing?

same for jane. she's not funny at all lately. no humor in the wigs. can't seem to get a chuckle out of chemo. breast jokes just don't cut it ...

not that we don't GET the humor in those, and many other situations. we just can't seem to initiate them of our own volition. we're hit a dry patch, which isn't so good when it's happening to two people at the same time. maybe three. andi asks me to take him to the library after dinner, to pick up a copy of the iliad by homer. deep. heavy. what every happened to homer simpson?

so, bear with us if we don't make you giggle today. hopefully we'll get our groove back -

high wire act

a little tension is good, well - necessary, for the high wire balancing act. but our balancing act seems to be suffering from that same tension. i think we're wound tight as can be, and we're trying not to unravel at any given moment. as we near the end of jane's treatment regimen, it's starting to take it's toll on us ... not the kids really, in fact, they've been utterly charming of late. and not our daily routine - things are moving along swimmingly. no, it's just really jane and i, absorbing this tension and hoping that we don't pop along the way. we really are on the last major leg of this journey, recognizing of course that there's still a long way to go ... a bit of surgery here and there, recovery from the whole physical experience for jane, the checkups, the concerns that will inevitably follow. but somehow, being a few steps closer to a conclusion, if there is such a thing, has made us more edgy, more tight.

and despite all that, breakfast in the city - yes, ol' faithful café gitane, and visits from friends in the afternoon (so nice to see you all) - a family dinner at home, and later, the bourne supremacy (or was it ultimatum? or identity? it's all a blur). so it's all good on that front at least ...

feeling a bit like philippe petit, the man who walked between the towers -

the windy city

skyscrapers, lake michigan, 'da bears', o'hare airport, deep dish pizza - yes, america's third city (used to be second city, until l.a. surpassed it a few years ago) has it all. and seemingly is exporting it all too!

saturday, at once a blistering mix of snow and ice, then suddenly balmy and sunny, then wintry again, and finally making up it's mind - nice after all. we hang out at home, the kids enjoying late breakfasts - well, why wouldn't they - and jane and i taking care of a few things. it is amazing how intently focused we are on this coming friday - armageddon? start of a new life? or maybe it's just the lure of netflix and lunch at grande luxe - but this is the week.

so, chicago. well, the afternoon and evening are full of it. we make our way into chelsea with friends, and dine at cafeteria - very sex in the city. although we're very familiar with the south beach outpost, we've never actually eaten at the new york original, which is great. yes, a little tragically hip, and even at 5:45 in the afternoon too crowded, but the seven of us manage to squeeze into two tables, where we are treated to a delightful meal and great service. the kids are happy, the adults too - not to mention well fed. we split up - girls going uptown, boys heading west, to our chicago inspired evenings. the ladies are seeing the show bearing the name of this metropolis, with 'sexy 70's tv icon john schneider' (that's the theater's interpretation - very dukes of hazzard). jared, andi, and i find ourselves at the upright citizen's brigade theater, of amy pollard fame (s.n.l.) ... second city humor. the show is great, lots of energy, totally improvised, and so easy (just show up with a previously made reservation, 8 bucks a head, no drinks, one hour, great seating). add it to the repertoire.

after dinner we decide indulge feminine cravings (theirs, not ours) and pick up a slew of magnolia cupcakes, and head uptown to indulge our masculine cravings ... comfort food at burger joint in the parker meridien. piled high, along with fries, we men are happy too now! a quick drive through times square, and we pick up the ladies, who of course are delighted with the goodies. home, just on time for saturday night live (did you catch hillary clinton? quite great actually!), although at this point, jane and i are dead (on our feet)!

h