happy anniverary - again!

see what nineteen years can do to you? we eat tilapia in a strip mall this evening to celebrate all those years of wedded bliss! in our defense, we are between pickups and dropoffs, long ago realizing that the demarcation of our blessed nuptials are about as interesting to the kids as the calculations of pluto's moons rotating around the sun. so jane and i sit, drinking glasses of wine - the card that she gets for me deriding the many foibles of married life pales in comparison to the 'real thing' - we have, and feel like we have, been through so much together - haha, LOL.'

marlee graduates (middle school), andi graduates tomorrow - and it's been non-stop partying all week. medals, awards, certificates - such over achievers, minus the fact that every child in the school district is being handed an award of distinction. no wonder these kids have swelled heads (i thought it was just all those misguided baseball pitches!).

on a more somber note, i've been asking myself a philosophical question about marriage and the glue that holds us together (well, not 'us' per se, more the proverbial and inclusive 'us'). at marlee's graduation at the tilles center, the school principal requests a moment of silence for a senior student who has passed away (unfortunately, run over at night by a non-intoxicated driver - literally, an accident), just a few days shy of high school completion. tuesday morning, the following day, i wake in a cold sweat at 4:30 in the morning - it's hard not to shake this thought. a tragic, untimely death - and i don't think that there's a parent around who can't insert themselves in the pathos of this event.

it leads me to think about our own kids of course, and jared sailing across the street in miami during our passover break - causing vehicles to swerve uncontrolled, narrowly missing him as he crosses traffic on his bike (despite repeated warnings). heart thumping, mind numbing. and i flash back to that. had jane not contracted breast cancer, we would not plan a miami trip, instead opting for the prescheduled asia jaunt to hong kong and tokyo. so the cancer diagnosis lead us to miami, where jared narrowly escapes a horrible fate... but what, g-d forbid, if things had turned out different, and we find ourselves in the shoes of this other family? and jane and i look at each other - and i blame her - "if you didn't have cancer, we wouldn't be here and this wouldn't have happened". and what happens to a marriage then, when there is irrational blame borne of anger and despair - how do people and families survive? please g-d let no one know the answer to this, but it really makes one think. is it all 'wrong place, wrong time'? or fate? does it matter, and what happens to the pieces, the players, and everything that touches them?

so on our anniversary, i'm thankful and feeling lucky that we have yet to meet those challenges that could cause us to turn to each other and point a finger, however irrationally. and in reality, we've been there, through those really tough moments. but we're still standing - amazing but true! funny what you can endure - what does the song say? "that that don't kill 'ya, can only make 'ya stronger" ...

no air, no hair

jane and i spend most of our free time together. a movie at the paris. breakfast at café gitane. a browse in the bookshop. a walk on the west side. i don't play golf, and she doesn't do lunch with the ladies.

for better or worse, we just end up hanging out together - a lot. which is quite nice and relaxing, and we've gotten very good at going out and enjoying the moment, not talking about the kids' schedules, or work, or bills. we generally try to keep things on a semi-inspired level.

the down side of this rears it's ugly head in such a funny way whilst i am preparing dinner last night - which may totally be an inside joke not at all funny to the reader, but quite hysterical to us in the most silly way. let me also say this - when we are home, if i am executing some mindless task like putting away the groceries, jane also comes over and helps me put away the groceries. if i am cleaning up a certain room, she comes over and helps me clean up said room. you get the picture. so as i chop and prep for dinner, jane is there right beside me ... i use a knife, she washes it and puts it away immediately (a knife, which i need two seconds later incidentally). if i take out a pot to boil water, she immediately puts it back, thinking i've already used it - trying to be helpful and clear the lot away.

finally i look at her and tell her that she is totally on top of me - what the #@*%$^ is she thinking - i have no air to breathe, i'm choking!!! and she starts singing the jordan sparks song no air, and we fall over laughing (even though it's NOT funny that she is utterly in my face while i'm cooking!!!). i review the lyrics (below), and they have absolutely NOTHING to do with our little laughing fit, but we do like the song (even though jane has RUINED it for me now, coupled with the rendition we sang in miami by the pool as jane lay wig-less - no HAIR) ...
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it's 'cause you took my breath away
losing you is like living in a world with no air

i'm here alone, didn't wanna leave
my heart won't move, it's incomplete
if there was a way that i can make you understand

but how do you expect me
to live alone with just me
'cause my world revolves around you
it's so hard for me to breathe

tell me how i'm supposed to breathe with no air
can't live, can't breathe with no air
it's how i feel whenever you ain't there
it's no air, no air
got me out here in the water so deep
tell me how you gonna be without me
if you ain't here, i just can't breathe
it's no air, no air

no air, air
no air, air
no air, air
no air, air

i walked, i ran, i jumped, i flew
right off the ground to float to you
there's no gravity to hold me down for real

but somehow i'm still alive inside
you took my breath, but i survived
i don't know how, but i don't even care

so how do you expect me
to live alone with just me
'cause my world revolves around you
it's so hard for me to breathe

tell me how i'm supposed to breathe with no air
can't live, can't breathe with no air
it's how i feel whenever you ain't there
it's no air, no air
got me out here in the water so deep
tell me how you gonna be without me
if you ain't here, i just can't breathe
it's no air, no air

no air, air
no air, air
no air, air
no air, air
no more
it's no air, no air

tell me how i'm supposed to breathe with no air
can't live, can't breathe with no air
it's how i feel whenever you ain't there
it's no air, no air
got me out here in the water so deep
tell me how you gonna be without me
if you ain't here, i just can't breathe
it's no air, no air

no air, air
no air, air
no air, air
no air, air

mon ami; my ami; mi ami; my friend

if jane and i were to recount the good deeds done on our behalf over the last five months, we'd have a laundry list par excellence. beyond flowers after surgery, heartfelt notes of encouragement, shabbat dinners, pickups, dropoffs, and people checking in, there has been so much love sent our way! it's quite impossible to annotate how critical all of this has been to the healing process, and how happy (and lucky) we've been in the friendship circles we're a part of.

old friends from camp, new friends made from the kids, family, friends of friends, and everything in between. and although some shy away from the 'spotlight' during times of trouble, we decide early on to be 'out there' and just let it all wash over us ... i mean, life is messy to begin with, so what's the point of cocooning anyways? and we're certainly glad we choose this route, as we frankly conclude that there is NO way we could go through all of this on our own. as it is, we've been losing it of late, as we've tried to slip back into 'normal' life, 'normal' routine.

today, we have some very special friends that we are most humbly grateful for. maria is truly one of my 'oldest' friends (not age wise!) from the early days of new york. when we all lived in shoe box apartments in the village (maria included), she exuded a kind of elegance and good taste that everyone wishes they had [she will be mortified if and when she reads this post, further painting an accurate picture of her characteristic humility]. she begets daniel, a great guy that jane and i have clicked with right from the beginning, and as our families have grown closer over the years, we've celebrated good times together and endured a few rough moments also. following our collective relationship is like taking a walk through all that life has to offer.

and when jane is in the thick of chemo, they offer us their home in miami for some recuperation once treatments are completed. it is perfect, says jane - do nothing but soak in warmth and sunshine ... not jockey for rooms with a view, or fight crowds for pool chairs, or drive from museum to museum ... rather, engage with peace and enjoy our family.

i am, well, not resistant per se, but rather thinking that it may be too pedestrian for our family, which has been globe-trotting the last few years. i am concerned about the kids turning into uneducated sloths, cultureless souls wandering the desert of american pop icons. i am worried that we'll be unmotivated to do anything at all, and that perhaps we should explore the argentinian pampas, or help in an orphanage in addis ababa, or scale ayers rock. no, jane insists that our friends good will and heartwarming gesture is what the doctor ordered.

so i glumly relent, feeling uninspired - yes, jane says, i WANT to be uninspired. i don't want to think, she insists. and she is right. we land on friday, trudging through miami international, bringing back memories of my own journeys to this, my father's hometown growing up, to my grandparents home (my sister and i used to call it the house that sparkles, due to it's stucco exterior studded with tiny glass crystals). the sun is shining, warm and lovely, and we make our way to 'our home' for the week.

maria and daniel are the consummate hosts, even while they are in new york and we are here solo. when we arrive, everything is inviting, pristine, serene, balanced, quiet. light, air, space - in fact, to call it a house is a misnomer - it is truly a lovely reflection of their own subdued and exquisite good taste [again, they will kill me when they read this unabashed praise being heaped upon them - although in my estimation rightfully deserved]. this trickles down to how they live, what type of people they are, and how they raise their children ... explaining our enduring friendship through all seasons of life. they leave us notes about what to do, where to go ... and we plan to follow religiously!!!

and so, we turn a page, sit by the pool, the kids frolicking. they are happy, we are at ease, and immediately learn to exhale. it clicks - the healing is not a physical healing for jane ... no, it is a family healing, a time to regroup, come together, and enjoy the simple pleasures as a unit. it's been a while, and if we return more placid and calm, it will be due to feeling, happily, breathless for a time ...

merci ...

lady of leisure

i am quite convinced that if jane were home full time, we'd both be in the loony bin!

omg! yackety, yack, yack. the phone ringing all day. she: upstairs chatting, laughing vigorously (not that there's anything wrong with that!), comparing 'scrips with joan, comparing marrakech with debbie from bruxelles, entertaining callers in person - a real lunching lady! of course, one day does not a bon-bon eating socialite make (but a damn good impression if i've ever seen one).

left side is sore. resting in bed watching netflix. putting feet up. AND THAT WAS JUST ME! you should see her!

alas, a new start, body back in form, healing and moving forward. although jane will be the first to tell you that i pushed her towards this surgery despite her reluctance to do it now, i'm 100% convinced it's for the best ... the quicker she is 'healed' - at least physically - the more she'll be in a position to get beyond this. if there is such a thing as getting beyond it.

i don't mind being the fall guy, that's okay ... and sometimes, just sometimes, your spouse can see what's best for you (who would ever actually admit to that though???). by week's end jane should be back in rare form, and before you know it we'll escape the cool april weather and we'll be enjoying miami, courtesy of maria and daniel's generous offer. it will be great to chill out, be away from our own environment, and feel the sun's warm rays.

tomorrow's another day ...

thinking ahead

as jane recuperates, we all begin to think ahead ... a future free of complications (is there such a thing???). gilda and morris talk about coming for a visit, as do my parents. we are thinking a bit about our upcoming trip to miami for passover, and about summer camp, and even a summer adventure (sadly, july and august are the rainy season in ethiopia, so that may be out for now). we discuss next february, perhaps a reconfigured trip to asia, or maybe brazil, south africa, argentina?

the point is, we are now measuring time and distance by different standards ... not by the next 'treatment', or surgery - no, now we are back to regular standard time. the parameters are once again school breaks, work schedules, and holidays - the good 'ol normal stuff. and what a relief!

today we enjoy breakfast in the city, as usual, but with the kids this time. we languish in the bookstore on prince street, go for a walk through chinatown (sunny but brisk), and make our way home for r&r mid-afternoon. last night we enjoy an middle-eastern movie with friends (the band's visit) and a delicious dinner out ... so much fun, so normal and relaxed.

we do have one step next monday, a week from tomorrow - jane's reconstructive surgery, which is more of a 'procedure' than anything, and they're predicting that she'll be out and about the day after ... so it's all good. another blip on life's radar (and hopefully nothing more than that). what's nice is that she'll be 'done' by the time we leave for passover ...

the journey continues, and expands ...

tomorrow, tomorrow, i'll love ya, tomorrow!

it looms large ...

tomorrow morning, chemo begins! jane is definitely thrown off by this, although she moves forward with grace and ease ... it's the big unknown. everyone is asking if she'll be tired, nauseus, sleepy. will her hair fall out right away, or will it take time; will she cut it all off before it starts to disappear?

actually, we have no idea! we are totally clueless. we have lots of netflix movies and wine, so i think we're pretty much covered. there is a degree of dread in the air, but in reality jane is working today and we're going out for dinner tonight. we really just don't know what's going to happen - how she'll feel, or if she'll be okay tomorrow but not so great on saturday. if i know jane she'll be great both days and beyond.

we've been told that the effects are cumulative - in other words, she might have less energy in march than she does on sunday. we'll go away in the spring to miami to get some r&r; many thanks to maria and daniel (!!!).

jc checked in on me today, treating me to lunch to make sure that i'm okay (i am), and others have been kindly offering their words of support ... all of which has made jane feel as if she's not alone, that she's connected, and that everyone has her in their thoughts - so important for her, particularly at a moment when it's easy to feel isolated.

the kids, you ask? oblivious! a blessing in disguise? deep disguise, i say. good for them. well, we don't have much choice about taking the plunge, so here we go ... we'll keep you posted!

h