abc, ddt

when jane first learns of her diagnosis, back in november, one of the first thoughts she has is the link between her childhood in baghdad, iraq, and her disease. she recalls fondly running through the mist of ddt, sprayed courtesy of saddam hussein's health ministry (oxymoron), on a summer's eve (guess they didn't have toys'r'us). the evidence is inconclusive, but this article from a west coast paper provides food for thought:

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by marla cone
los angeles times staff writer

september 30, 2007

women heavily exposed to the pesticide DDT during childhood are five times as likely to develop breast cancer, a new scientific study suggests.

for decades, scientists have tried to determine whether there is a connection between breast cancer and DDT, the most widely used insecticide in history. the UC berkeley research, based on a small number of bay area women, tested a theory that the person's age during exposure was critical, and provided the first evidence of a substantial effect on breast cancer.

"there was very broad exposure to this pesticide, and with this study, we have evidence that women exposed when young were the most affected," said barbara a. cohn, director of UC berkeley's child health and development studies, who led the study of 129 women. "if this finding holds up, those who were young and more highly exposed could be the women at greatest risk."

women born between 1945 and 1965 were most likely to have been heavily exposed as children to DDT, which was sprayed to kill mosquitoes and other insects. DDT use began in 1945, peaked in 1959 and was banned nationwide in 1972 because it was building up in the environment.

"this does speak to a generation of us, the baby boomer generation," said peggy reynolds, an epidemiologist at the northern california cancer center and consulting professor at stanford university school of medicine.

because the pesticide was ubiquitous, the authors wrote, "the public health significance of DDT exposure in early life may be large."

"a single study doesn't necessarily translate into truth, if you will," reynolds said. "but a study like this -- which has such dramatic and provocative findings, and is consistent with what we have suspected about early life exposures -- does call for careful examination of the results."

[several larger, earlier studies found no evidence that DDT caused breast cancer. the largest, a 2002 study involving more than 3,000 women in long island, n.y., concluded that the breast cancer rate did not rise with increasing DDT levels in their blood. to some, that seemed to put the question to rest.]

women in the top third of DDT concentrations who were exposed before age 14 were five times as likely to get breast cancer as the women with the lowest levels, according to the study. no relationship between cancer and the insecticide was found in the women born before 1931, who would have been older during any exposure.

"their findings in general support their hypothesis that the earlier you were exposed, the stronger the effect," terry said. "we think with organochlorines and other exposures, the timing may be more important in terms of breast cancer."

a fivefold increase in breast cancer -- 400% -- is considered very high. most traditional risk factors, such as late menopause, obesity and older age at first pregnancy, increase risk by 50% to 100%.

however, because relatively few women were involved, the study is prone to statistical weakness, which may mean the result is partly attributable to chance, stellman said.

terry agreed: "certainly if you have a larger study, the estimates you get are more stable. N=no one study can be definitive. it would be good to try to replicate the finding in another population of girls who were highly exposed."

DDT is prohibited today in most of the world, though it is used in small volumes in some malaria-plagued african nations.

but virtually everyone on the planet still carries residue because the pesticide persists in the environment and in tissues, breaking down slowly.

Mmany environmental toxicologists and epidemiologists have in recent years altered their thinking about toxic exposures. they used to focus on lifetime exposure. but now they suspect that chemicals may activate genes or damage DNA in the womb or during early childhood, resulting in diseases decades later.

other evidence suggests that breast cancer can be triggered early in life. in lab animals, prenatal doses of chemicals can trigger cancerous cells in fetal mammary glands. also, japanese females who were younger than 20 in 1945 developed the highest breast cancer rates among those exposed to radiation from the atomic bombs.

the new study does not indicate the age of greatest vulnerability to exposure. Breast development is most critical in the womb and at puberty.

whether or not DDT promotes breast cancer, there are many other risk factors, including alcohol consumption, hormone therapy and age at menstruation.

we truly believe it's not one exposure that's going to determine whether you get breast cancer or don't get breast cancer," reynolds said.

"while it's true that our generation may be more at risk from those exposures, there are a whole lot of other things involved too."

alex doesn't live here anymore ...

... and speaking of alex ...

we make a visit to dr. alex hindenburg today. what a guy - so very nice, knowledgeable, and personable. sounds like an oxymoron, but what a great oncologist! he gives jane the once over, as well as his blessings - she's doing great, holding her own, and any side effects she's feeling are all normal and par for the course.

as far as future remedies go, there are a number of options - tamoxifen, ovaries out, etc. - we've geared ourselves up for an immediate plan of action ... and fortunately, the wise doctor has told us to slow down, finish up with 'all of this', take a break, and then we can make some decisions. nothing is urgent right now. jane and i just sort of look at each other with a sense of relief, and nodded at this very sensible approach!

jane comments that i seem done with the whole thing - ie. i've had enough, ready to move on, get the show on the road. actually, i did kind of tell her that i'd like her to wrap it up before passover - breast, chemo, etc.. she just kind of laughs at me - and again, i insist that we should wrap it up, put it in a box, put a ribbon on top, stuff it in the closet, and go forward! oh, if only life were that easy!

feeling good though, and jane looks and feels almost back to normal today, which is fantastic! we drive home, each in their own car, from the doctor's office. jane passes me on the highway and i reflect on what she's been doing recently. on her way home from work, she spontaneously whips off her wig in the car (itchy by the end of the day), and i realize that if someone is operating heavy machinery next to her and see this, they could very well veer off the road into a light post! yikes!

h

common things

in november 2006, alexander litvinenko was poisoned at a sushi lounge frequented by our very own family. he took ill, and in a famous and well circulated photograph, he is pictured at his hospital bed, a shadow of his former healthy and vigorous image.

it is believed that mr. litvinenko, a former russian kgb agent, fell victim to the very agency to which he once pledged allegiance. after implicating his own superiors in the planned murder of a prominent russian citizen, he was confined, later fleeing to britain (where he was granted political asylum). his public attack on the motherland surely prompted the vengeful retribution that lead to a dose of polonium 210. not to mention the creation of huge nervous tension culminating in the closure of said sushi lounge, and the discovery of the ominous material on aircraft flying between london and moscow.

mr. litvinenko was a staunch opponent of the ongoing war in chechnya.

in addition to a shared hairline resulting from an unwanted dose, jane is also in the throws of a different sort of poisoning, which will ultimately have quite a diametrically opposed effect than that received by the aforementioned spy-turned-activist. and similar to alexander, jane too fled her homeland, albeit without the espionage credentials, to find safe haven in far off lands (hence the numerous passports!).

incidentally, and most probably quite obviously, she too is a staunch opponent of an ongoing war.

need i say more?

h

is real

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9:20 pm: jane - sore, full of aches, tired, leathery taste in mouth - generally feeling lousy - and the full effects of chemo upon her - so this is her pattern - icky on monday and tuesday before the upswing - she doesn't even insist on loading the dishwasher after barely eating dinner - that's how i know she's not sparkling!
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lately i have been working on the plans for a community trip to israel, this coming december. it's an exciting venture for me, not least because i have a warm and fuzzy feeling when i think of our family trips there.

what happy times - carefree, easy, delicious, relaxed, beachy, social, inspiring - and most critically, fun days and nights! this past august found us mostly hanging out on the shores of the mediterranean, eating (!), swimming, playing paddle ball, drinking (!), and soaking in the sun. we basically lived in bathing suits, showering on the beach only to be covered in sand again a few moments later ...

this came on the heels of a hectic summer - many weekends in canada, a splash out in paris, and a dose of africa. this following a bar and bat mitzvah, journeys far and wide (india, amsterdam, paris, marrakech, etc.) ... so the end of summer was to be a very mellow season.

and just when we said 'aaahhhh', we can breathe, we fall into the perils of health, which in addition to anxiety, lead to another frenetic era in our household. because it truly is not only the physiological concern, the stress, and the life altering thoughts that abound - it is all of the other 'stuff' that comes along with it. tests. days missed. treatments. plans postponed. questions unanswered. the frenzy of pre and post op. the calls. the emails. in other words, another 'busy' period.

and so it goes, one expects to repose and instead comes mass hysteria! alas, as noted previously, we can only take a deep breath, try to slow it all down, find our balance, maintain our equilibrium, and let life follow it's course. and when all else fails, there's café gitane every sunday morn'.

friends, friends, friends

it's an interesting thing,
when life goes array,
and one does not have time,
to ask 'what' or 'why' -

and people you know,
react to your news,
and on this fine topic,
are divergent views ...

there are old friends around,
who just always are there,
and know just what to say,
to show how they care --

and those people you know,
who shine through this rough patch,
who before were not close,
but are now a great match!

there are friends of your friends,
that drop you a line,
just to say hi,
and make sure you're fine -

the best friends with bad flights,
who can't get here in snow,
who just want to see you,
and just tell you so!

there are those who are close,
and don't know what to say,
you know they're concerned,
but they just stay away!

some call in from europe,
or email their best wishes,
send smoke flares from canada,
it's truly delicious!

there are those that emerge,
you don't really know why,
to assuage their own conscience,
we don't judge them, oh my!

and the shoppers, or cookers,
or bakers that don't miss a beat,
they all bring a smile,
and good things to eat!

some come bearing jewels,
or scarves with a note,
and tell you with kindness,
that they've read all you wrote!

and still others are generous,
with their time and their thought,
who make you feel lucky,
for all that you've got ...

there are those that 'know'
still they feel quite shy,
and won't say a word,
or look you in the eye

it all seems okay,
personally it's not taken,
and there is not a one,
that would be forsaken!

jane wane's

after a day of feeling great - friends popping in and out, kids coming and going, tarts baked, lattés consumed - jane starts to feel the effects of round two. although in truth she looks great, and is full of energy today, we're just back from a lovely dinner out and she's definitely pooped! so off to bed she goes, kids swinging from the chandelier, no matter. time for rest, sleep, and deep relaxation.

i am absolutely amazed at her energy for the better part of the day though, and i think that's particularly what keeps her in such a good mood - positive energy, being engaged, out and about.

tomorrow, we'll go a little slower - the new york times, lazing about, hanging around - and that should be a good remedy in and of itself ... we'll miss the usual sunday morning visit to the city and catching up with henry and ali, but there's always next week!!!

half way there

drip, drip, drip go the meds -

how can something so clear, viscous, and innocuous be so fiendishly effective and poisonous?

looking at the 'bags' of chemo medicien on the i.v. pole, hanging limply with their frightening names (cytoxan! taxol! taxotere! doxorubicin! - all with an ominous 'x' in their midst!), it is a strange and otherworldly experience. we arrive amidst pleasantries at the doctor's office, unfurling a now usual bag of tricks - dvd player with headphones, netflix movies, seltzer bottles, godiva pearls, books, new york times, magazines, and pretzels. we settle in, power up, and watch the flick waitress while the toxins course through jane's veins. the movie is delicious, really sweet, and the time passes. we make our way through half of the oscar-winning tsotsi (south africa), and before we know it, we're done!

out for lunch - salads at grand luxe - and home ... everyone is out at friends or art, so we pass a quiet and relaxing afternoon together ... our dear friends have delivered persian food from colbeh for shabbat dinner (yummy, and super easy), making the day so simple for us. jc drops by to say hi and inspect jane's head sans cheveux, although i greet him at the door sporting synthetic hair myself - kind of hysterical! i can really be there for jane, and before we know it, all are back home for an early dinner. candles, wine, challah, and a fantastic meal with an easy prep and cleanup - perfect for this heavy duty day!

jane talks about doing the avon breast cancer wall in october - i suggest building a team with all of her female friends, and doing the two day walk together - raising a lot of awareness (and money!) in the process ...

we watch the aptly named brit-com as time goes by, while the kids do their thing - a placid weekend awaits, as we all take our cues from the patient ...

h

c-day

round two tomorrow morning ... half way there after that!

jane is basically acting as if NOTHING is going on - chemo notwithstanding - and is planning to hang out and relax this weekend, get her strength back after the morning's treatment, and onto the next. it's weird - now that we're 'on the path' it's almost a relief!

it does knock you for a loop - physically and metaphorically speaking ... but such is life, and jane really, really seems fine! dinner out tonight to avoid chopping, washing up, etc., a bit of ugly betty, the apprentice, and kids to bed. they, by the way, are unfazed by all of this, even totally okay with jane's lack of locks - no big deal for them!

so, wish us luck, we'll keep you posted!

h

nighty night

it is SO past our bedtime!

jane is starting to crack - the wig is driving her mad, although paradoxically she's never had more compliments on her shiny straightened locks (see what nylon hair can do for you!!!???). sure beats the flat-iron and brazilian treatments any day!

so, maybe she will go au naturel after all - throw caution to the wind, chucking the wig in the air like mary tyler moore's hat in downtown minneapolis! we'll see how she feels ... jc is waiting for the new look!

a day closer to chemo, round 2. we're in a groove now, semi-organized, etc.. we already have dinner plans for saturday evening, sunday too, and might even be able to squeeze in friandes at café gitane early sunday morning with a stroll on prince street for good measure!

this evening we enjoy the company of our sister-in-law betty and nephew michael - they are in nyc for a few days, and pop out on the train for an evening together ... we eat, drink, and catch up, whilst resisting the usual schedule of going to sleep before the surly teenagers! awake at 11pm, who would have thought it possible!?! we'll pay in the morning for certain, and the 5 am wakeup call is looking less and less possible.

get some sleep, please!

testing: one, two, three

ahhh, the good ol' BRCA test rears it's ugly head!

most people who take this test, which determines if the subject has a genetic mutation which may potentially lead to breast cancer, are either positive or negative. jane, however, is neither - an anomaly rarely seen, or at least her 'version' is rarely seen. it has only been documented in one other family - and as previously noted, was not an indicator either way for possible cause of cancer. additionally, this diagnostic tool can inform oncologists post-surgery and treatment - do ovaries require removal, as the mutated gene is also an indicator for ovarian cancer. if said bits and pieces are taken out, menopause ensues, along with all of the complications brought on by an immediate 'life change' as opposed to a gradual subsidence of fertility!

so we look to this test, and it's strangely and very uncharacteristically inconclusive ... ugggghhhh! jane is forced to have her parents tested in canada - if they carry this same mutation, and are healthy (ie. cancer free) then this odd situation means nothing - and jane can sit tight. so, test kits go fedex, and are held up at canadian customs, and jane screams, and the bloods are drawn, and the kits fedexed back, and are held up at u.s. customs, and jane screams, and the tests go to the lab.

and they come back showing that jane's mother, who has never had cancer, also has this seemingly innocuous mutation only known in one other family. so that's good news for the BRCA burkah test! we think no more impending surgeries, female mutilation, or other unspeakable acts which tend to drive us insane. but who knows, we'll see what the doctors say!

round two of chemo lurks on friday, we're armed with netflix dvd's, bald heads, and clear minds. dinner will arrive courtesy of noushin, laleh, sheila, and gang - sparing me the indignity of struggling to throw something together in my distracted state. a weekend of forced rest is assured - maybe i'll organize the taxes (the pain of it all!) and make productive use of the time while jane (hopefully) slumbers and finds her equilibrium.

stay tuned!

anacronym for disease of the day

gimme a B - because it's such a special affliction!
gimme a R - rarely does one feel as if their body has been hijacked!
gimme a E - especially in this era of environmental epidemics ...
gimme a A - absolutely ludicrous, all the mysteries of life -
gimme a S - sometimes it's easier not to think
gimme a T - too much to understand, it's all very complicated!

gimme a C - can you imagine losing your breasts and your hair?
gimme a A - anyhow, life is strange, what else is new?
gimme a N - no matter, just keep movin' on
gimme a C - can't we all just get along?
gimme a E - excellent way to understanding the deeper meaning of life
gimme a R - reign in your fears and seize the day!

sinead swedler

no, that's not jane,
this girl looking quite sane -
but my wife's feeling fine,
with this look by design ...

when we were first hitched,
we moaned and we bitched -
how tough our work was ...
in ny's great buzz ...

and as we moved on,
and our youth was gone,
we realized quickly,
that life is quite prickly!

with kids came new things,
beyond teething rings -
and more complicated,
were days since we dated!

we're just past our prime,
the age effects of time -
they are now upon us,
and we don't make a big fuss(?)

which leads up to today,
how strange things can sway,
we start out in nolita,
with hummus and pita -

and make our way up,
café creme in a cup,
then see uptown friends,
and we walk to see trends

we return home at three,
the kids a mess they leave me -
i scream and i shout
cuz there's stuff lyin' about

and when all is clean,
and i'm not feeling mean,
jane and i retire,
with her in casual attire -

now here's where it's weird,
although i've trimmed my beard,
i never could guess,
what would happen next

"please dear, shave my head,
there's hair in our bed",
why "yes", i reply,
"why not?" do i cry!

so the razor we start,
and away goes her part,
her hair is now shorn,
like the day she was born!

although it's tongue in cheek,
she's still looking chic,
as sinead o'connor,
it has been my honor!

so when you start dating,
start anticipating -
what the future may bring,

it's such a strange thing!!!

i'm board

yep, back from snowboarding (ouuuccccchhhh!) and of course can't really complain as much as i would LOVE to since jane is going through her thing and i would sound like a total baby (guilty!) by complaining about my self-imposed pain over her inevitable treatments!

she's doing great, out at the movies with the girls (27 dresses) and i'm trying to heal myself. can't help but feel as if there is a sense of impending doom - and i'm not quite sure if it's everything that jane's been through, or watching our kids become teenagers, or just getting old! maybe just a combination of all things - everyone seems to be talking about their kids going to college, or driving, or dating ... and commercials for plavix, hormone replacement, and alzheimer's remedies flash before me on the flat screen. as previously noted, it seems that NOT getting old is no good, and GETTING old isn't all that great!

so, maybe snowboarding is a good shot in the arm - if i can get beyond how OLD it actually makes me feel (creaky bones, bruised behind) and capitalize on the youthful and invigorating feeling of learning and doing something new! it's an uphill battle these days, but if i take my cues from jane's own positive and youthful attitude, i'm sure we'll all be okay!

h

brain drain

we have coined a new phrase to highlight the effects of therapy ... chemo brain! jane is almost consistently in a semi-fog - "what did you say", or "i didn't hear you say that" ... no matter, she seems to be muddling through just fine!

i take leave of my gang bright and early tomorrow morning for the famous annual father's ski trip - always a treat! the men revert to their baser cave-like behavioral mode, the women commiserate and empathize, and we're all happy!!! i will be back before you know it ... a lot more innocuous than being on the congolese border!

i must say, jane really looks great - she doesn't seem tired and is truly herself (chemo brain aside!) which is amazing! next friday will be treatment 2 of 4 - better call netflix! she'll do terrific again, i'm certain.

we're all off to bed now ... up early in the morning for snow, work, mid-terms, and another start to the weekend - hoping it's bright for all ...

h

fleetwood, mac!

today we mysteriously receive a copy of the much coveted, oft replicated people magazine - lucky us! after realizing that in fact no one here has ordered it, we see that the mailing label does NOT bear our name! tant pis, we will enjoy this lame gossip rag nonetheless!

on the cover is rihanna, sporting a jane-like bob, which makes us giggle, then think of fleetwood mac, with their own chanson - rhiannon. almost the same, so we go with it:

rhianna rings like a bell thru the night
and wouldn't you love to love her?
she rules her life like a bird in flight
and who will be her lover?

all your life you've never seen
a woman , taken by the wind
would you stay if she promised you heaven?
will you ever win.........?

rhianna......
rhianna......
rhianna......

she is like a cat in the dark
and then she is the darkness
she rules her life like a fine skylark
and when the sky is starless

all your life you've never seen
a woman..taken by the wind...
would you stay if she promised you heaven?

will you ever win.....?
will you ever win.....?

rhianna......
rhianna......
rhianna......

dreams unwind
love's a state of mind -

wigged out!

1) give the wig a gentle shake.
2) identify the front and the back of the wig. the label always goes in the back. note the velcro tabs for sizing. leave the tabs as is at first. you can adjust them later if necessary.
3) place the wig on a flat surface so you are looking inside the wig. make sure the label is at the top (the label is at the back of the wig). grasp the wig at the top (back), with your hands placed on each side of the label.
4) slip the wig over the head starting at the hairline and then towards the neck. the front of the wig should lie on the front hairline.
5) the wig should feel secure, but not too tight. if needed, you can adjust the size with the velcro tabs inside the wig.

ahem ... jane attends this event last night ... look good feel better.

the moderator of the program gently tells her that it's okay if she wants to keep her wig on! she's starting to feel pretty good about her new bob haircut - it's so flattering that everyone seems to think it's a synthetic wig! so far, NOT feeling better!

on sunday, we have breakfast with iris and hadas ... we pick them up, about to head into the city, and iris is amazed at how much jane's new 'do' looks like the real thing ... but it IS the real thing - not a wig!

jared to mom: "hey, i like your wig", post hairdresser.

so, for the record, jane's hairstyle IS her actual hair! for now. still dreading those clumps falling here and there - will it be like having a cat, or a dog, in the house? oy!!! should we shear jane's hair now? what happens if she's in the 5% range that don't lose her hair, and we cut it all off for no good reason (if we do, she'll fall in that 5% category - if we don't, she'll surely be in the 95% majority of course!).

otherwise, back to normal, kind of. jane insists that she has 'chemo brain' - forgetting things, feeling discombobulated, etc.. truth is, she's just the same as always - sorry it break it to you dear!

don't shoot the messenger!

stealing beauty

the weekend comes and goes - as promised, good food, good film, good friends ... and now, back to reality!

jane is feeling well; really herself in a sense - now we 'wait' for the untimely demise of her hair - which we are all slightly terrified by ... not so much how she will look (she'll look great as always), but more the unknown sense of where and when this event shall come to pass. we expect this to take place sometime around this coming weekend, but we don't know for certain, and jane and i are both feeling as if her entire hair will eject suddenly in a restaurant, or at work, or at the movies - uggh! i will be away snowboarding on friday through saturday afternoon (the 'dad' annual ski trip), and i'm dreading not being around for jane when she needs me.

this too shall come to pass. everyone and everything feels much calmer as the week begins, we seem to be more organized and together, everyone happy and into the routine. the weekend definitely helps, and makes us realize that if we don't somehow stay the course, see friends, go out, and enjoy, the rest of the week tends to fall apart.

andi has been wearing shredded jeans for the past month, i finally sneak in a moment to take him out for dinner and a quick shopping spree, so he doesn't look as if he's up for a starring role in oliver twist. oh, the neglect! jane is not home until 9:45 or so; it seems like the perfect opportunity.

tonight jane is attending a program at her hospital called look good feel better. it's for women undergoing cancer treatment, and it offers them different ways to deal with the physical and emotional changes brought on by this disease (and the ensuing solutions). it seems like a great idea - help take care of the 'outside' to mitigate the effects on the 'inside'. hoping it delivers ...

think i'll have that glass of wine now!

leather & lace

1. drinking water, tea, ginger ale or fruit juices mixed with club soda may remove some of the strange tastes in your mouth. it might also help to munch on hard candies, such as sugar-free mints of tic tacs®. sugar-free gum or hard candies often reduce after-tastes.
2. add wine, beer, mayonnaise, sour cream or yogurt to soups and sauces to disguise the off tastes of other foods.
3. eat starchy foods such as bread, potatoes, rice and plain pasta. do not add butter, margarine or other fatty substances to these foods.
4. choose bland foods. eggs, cheeses (including cottage cheese) hot cereals, puddings, custards, tapioca, cream soups, toast, potatoes, rice and peanut butter are less likely to taste strange than foods with more distinctive flavors.

as we head out to café gitane with iris and hadas for breakfast, i fear that jane will not be able to fully enjoy her petit dejeuner ... she has a pervasive taste of leather as a result of the chemo! not the most appetizing way to start the day, and for someone who loves food and the act of breaking bread, a most unfortunate side effect of treatment!

a beautiful winter day in new york, although the term winter may be a bit strong - mild, clear, sunny - just the right ingredients for a fantastic sunday morning. we are determined to enjoy, and will happily to so ... these sunday mornings downtown recalibrate us for the week, and usher in a consistency and rhythm which is most welcome ...

while the kids slumber lazily, we will chat and read the paper, sip lattés, peruse books, walk the quiet streets, visit a couple of stores, and maybe even enjoy a second coffee at aroma ... soho and nolita are so fittingly quiet at this time, it's kind of like being a kid in a candy shop! so, off we go, hoping that breakfast doesn't leave a bad taste in jane's mouth!

fed, clothed, and well taken care of!

despite that unbridled chaos that has taken over, things do miraculously seem to be running smoothly.

the kids make it to and from school everyday, homework is done, beds are made, healthy meals are enjoyed, work is executed, bills get paid, there's gas in the cars ... the daily rhythm of life seems to propel us forward. which is a good thing, because on the other hand, we are in another world of sorts, and will be so atleast through late spring.

and, we'd like to thank the academy! well, at minimum, our good friends who have all banded together ... calling, emailing, checking in - having us for dinner, lunch, tea, snacks, and really pulling us forward and along. a tremendous help which keeps us in touch, and allows us not to isolate ourselves - a good thing!

tonight, a great dinner is enjoyed at debbie & jeff's, surrounded by lots of kids, great food and wine, and of course, stellar company - a wonderful way to usher in shabbat and the weekend (which holds more in store - afternoon tea, possibly a movie later on, dinner with the nassims tomorrow) ...

so, we're good - well taken care of and it feels just right!

shabbat shalom,

h

the veneer is starting to crack

we all seemed okay,

taking things day by day -
rolling along,
almost singing a song!

but the tune, it has changed,
our lives rearranged,
we've all become grumpy,
and looking quite frumpy!

my midsection grows,
where time goes, who knows?
it's like being in a pit,
and we're all down a bit ...

we were just all together,
it could be the weather,
but now we're all snappy,
and not very happy!

it's not a depression,
it's more like aggression,
we're starting to quarrel,
like hardy and laurel!

with the kids we are screaming,
i must say i'm dreaming,
of the time we could mesh,
in sweet marrakech!

but that's not to be,
it's here that we'll see,
if our family survives,
without changing our lives ...

the good days, slim pickins',
so i'm making fried chickens,
that's to make amends,
so we all can be friends ...

we'll see if it works,
or we still act like jerks,
with french fries and rings,
we'll see better things!

so wish us good luck,
we've all run amok,
i think we'll be fine,
if we all drink some wine!!!

obama is laden

as we move through the initial rites of passage in this election season, it's easy to be cynical. yes, we all want 'change' ... well, no matter what, that's a fait accompli. there are euphemisms for big government, more spending, being green, shrinking the debt - but what are these politicians about, politics aside?

as a democrat, i hear a lot about the things that distinguish this year's candidates. barack obama, a person of color, youthful, a family man, a fresh face. hillary clinton - experience, articulate, knowledgeable. john edwards - fighting corporate greed. and yet, all of 'my' political leaders are pandering to the basest common denominator.

so, in light of new hampshire's primary today, i can tell you what i'd love to see the democrats concentrate on ... universal access to health care (imagine women with breast cancer who have to choose their treatments based upon financial status, not best care). focus on critical thinking in education (and less standardized testing - the death knell for learning!). human rights for all citizens (let's include poor, disenfranchised people and put an end to guantanamo). less meddling in other countries' affairs (iraq, north korea, cuba). more meddling in other countries' affairs (zimbabwe, congo, saudi arabia). funding for alternative sources of energy (do we really want to depend on a country where rape victims are sentenced to prison terms?).

it's not rocket science. stand up for what you believe in, for what's best for the country, for what's best for me, my wife, my family, and my community.

just what the dr. ordered

every once in a while, you have the chance to connect with really special people ...

sunday evening we re-connect with old friends - cheryl and andré from montreal - with their delightful children (gabriel, elan, jordanna, jacob). having just flown in from republica dominica, they hightail it over here from jfk - long flight, long vacation, and they make a stop in nyc just to lay eyes on jane! we enjoy a wonderful evening with them - we love our time together as always, and they are fun, uplifting, and crazy! the kids are a dream, funky and personable - a great end to the weekend ... they drive off late at night to an airport hotel near laguardia so they can make their 7am flight (despite my protests and pleas to have them spend the night with us!) ...

speaking of protests, i quarrel with jane not to go to work today, but she'll have no part of it ... i lie in bed until 7am myself, a veritable first for me, and then we are all scrambling to get ready for the day! kids off, jane too, me on an hour-delayed train to penn station ... jane is doing well, a bit of body ache and fatigue, but otherwise good ...

definitely feeling the effects of the 'fog' - the next few months have a specific road map which will not allow much deviation ... so it's one foot in front of the other, and we'll see where we go.

all are tucked in, including jane, and for once i am the last one standing (that's what happens when you sleep in until 7!) ...

hello café, goodbye chemo

we did it - spontaneously, we manage to make our way into the city for breakfast as usual! we ourselves are quite incredulous - after jane's 'crash' yesterday (12 hours + of sleep!) we are awake fairly early. we collect the kids, determined to have a 'nice' sunday in the city, and we're sitting at café gitane by 9:30 in the morning!

ahhh, baguette, confitures, café creme, ouefs - how lovely indeed! everyone loves jane's new hairstyle - the regulars commenting on how flattering it is (although they don't know that necessity is the mother of invention). we relax and enjoy, perusing the map of morocco and thinking of our excitement one year ago as we approached our trip to marrakech!

this year is a more mellow affair, although jane and i secretly plot a weekend triste in paris sometime soon - how or when is a mystery, but the allure of the seine beckons!

we stroll around nolita, hit our favorite bookshop ... jane is walking painfully slow, looking like she just gave birth! she can't quite put her finger on it, but somehow the chemo affects her (of course). but she's a trooper, looks great, and is along for the ride. we peruse the shops, and finally filter over to the new museum on the bowery for a look at both the building (sophisticated, surprisingly) and the art (juvenile). we meet maria & the kids for (yet another) coffee before heading back ...

cheryl & andré and gang will be arriving from their trip to the tropics shortly, so i prep dinner, clean up the house, and finally sit down en famille to watch a dvd ... very relaxing, although the kids are totally non-helpful and i feel ready to wring their necks - we need to have a bit of assistance here during 'these times' and they move forward, completely devoid of responsibility or concern. it drives me mad and makes me think that we've really done something wrong to raise such selfish individuals! in this case, the apple is falling VERY far from the tree ... i've sworn off feeding and clothing them for all eternity - ugghhhh!

lolling about now with a glass of pinot noir, looking forward to spending the evening with old, dear amis who have made a tremendous effort to stop by on their way home ... glad to have them and so thankful for their friendship!

h

cooper cancer

never mind ddt, living in long island, electric lines, genetically modified foods, and global warming.

jane has decided that the mini cooper is to blame for her breast cancer! it's the bad-luck-mobile! now, we are not normally superstitious, but please understand, that little faux-bmw has been smashed to smithereens more times than lindsay lohan has been admitted to rehab! from the front, from the back, from the sides it's been crumpled. hit and run, ploughed from behind on the highway, or just plain pileup - we're not fussy, as long as the yellow and black bee is in the shop! and now, a dent on the newly replaced hood, which occured while i was in africa (and obviously not driving the car).

so we feel like it's our bad luck charm - our anti talisman - that's the root of all evil. had a bad day? blame it on the mini. kenya's chaos? the cooper. demise of the dollar? yep, you guessed it!

so we need to get rid of it quickly before our house is swept away, or woodbury is hit by errant tornadoes, etc.! as soon as we sell it, all will return to normal, world peace will reign, and we will all live in health and happiness!!

(oh, if it were only that easy!).

jane is doing great, very sleepy but otherwise well - no pain, nausea, just some fatigue. she is actually a good patient today - shocking - and does indeed rest without me threatening to tie her down to the bed. another day recedes into night, time for bed and some real r&r ... we may even make it to the city to catch the new museum tomorrow!

bonne nuit,

h

it's a family affair ...

chemo 101 -

oy! jane - SO nervous this morning, literally on the verge of freaking out ... deep, cleansing breaths i tell her ... hee, hee, hahhh; hee, hee, hahh ... anyhow, that doesn't work!

bags packed, we head off - jared leaves for school, andi goes to max's house for breakfast, marlee hitches a ride with us, and we travel silently (like lambs to slaughter) to winthrop university hospital. we are there early - 8:30 am - and the staff is so nice, gentle, easy. we are shown to a semi-private space for the treatment, where i set up the dvd player, kashi bars, seltzer, meringues, pretzels, and swedish fish ... and jane settles in for the next few hours. somehow we feel better just being there, and the air of inevitability and impending doom seems to subside ...

it's nice and quiet, and they set jane up quickly. she reclines in a big comfy lounger, and i'm beside her (getting the movie helvetica ready for our viewing). everything is going fine, until they actually start the i.v. drip that has the chemo medicine in it - jane turns beet red, is burning up, and has back pain ... they immediately 'stop' the drip and call in the oncologist, who is really a fantastic and knowledgeable guy. he is there in a flash, makes some great recommendations, and gets things set up so she can handle this smoothly. she's on anti-nausea medication too, so they hope for a smooth treatment.

as it turns out, dr. hindenburg brings good news - the other 'oncotype' test has come back, even more positive than the first - jane has a very low risk of recurrence over the long term based on that cancer site that was removed - great!!!

we are back on track, medications running, all is good, jane is relaxed. we munch on snacks, drink liters of seltzer, and watch the flick - although i do have to make a quick target run for a couple of headsets as someone else is being treated nearby and they have their tv set blaring. [of course, i am stuck behind a woman at target who is refuting the price of charmin toilet tissues, then proceeds to pay with a gift card, coupons, and small unmarked bills - ugggghhhh - only when you're in a rush!].

chemo goes fine, we watch another movie titled god grew tired of us about the 'lost boys' of sudan - nothing like seeing something more depressing than your own life! i jest, the movie is extremely uplifting and highlights the positive aspects of human nature in the face of man's baser instincts. makes me reminisce about africa a little ...

so what was supposed to be over by 11 am concludes at 1 pm ... feeling and looking perfectly fine, we wrap up our goodies and leave. jane is amazing! totally okay! we pop into roosevelt field so she can pick up her wig - somehow we've imagined that all of her hair will fall out immediately upon treatment, which of course does NOT happen to anyone. it takes about two weeks, but we figured we'd be prepared.

back home, we have an enormous gourmet lunch - butternut squash bisque, arugula with roasted chicken, potato, yellow wax beans, caramelized carrots - we're stuffed! i'm delighted jane has an appetite. we do some computing, and as i'm typing i notice that my hand is going momentarily weak - on and off - which jane diagnoses as carpal tunnel syndrome (just shoot me now and spare me!).

shabbat dinner is lovingly dropped off by laury - wine, challah, flowers, homemade delicacies, and dessert - affording us the opportunity to sit down together as a family and make today a 'normal' day while having a home cooked meal ... so incredible, the effort and meaning of this thoughtful gift!

we all try on the wig - personally, i think it looks pretty darn good on all of us, and is least noticeable on jane as it is the same as her current 'do'. i'm thinking of a transplant when all of this is wrapped up!

shabbat shalom,

h

tomorrow, tomorrow, i'll love ya, tomorrow!

it looms large ...

tomorrow morning, chemo begins! jane is definitely thrown off by this, although she moves forward with grace and ease ... it's the big unknown. everyone is asking if she'll be tired, nauseus, sleepy. will her hair fall out right away, or will it take time; will she cut it all off before it starts to disappear?

actually, we have no idea! we are totally clueless. we have lots of netflix movies and wine, so i think we're pretty much covered. there is a degree of dread in the air, but in reality jane is working today and we're going out for dinner tonight. we really just don't know what's going to happen - how she'll feel, or if she'll be okay tomorrow but not so great on saturday. if i know jane she'll be great both days and beyond.

we've been told that the effects are cumulative - in other words, she might have less energy in march than she does on sunday. we'll go away in the spring to miami to get some r&r; many thanks to maria and daniel (!!!).

jc checked in on me today, treating me to lunch to make sure that i'm okay (i am), and others have been kindly offering their words of support ... all of which has made jane feel as if she's not alone, that she's connected, and that everyone has her in their thoughts - so important for her, particularly at a moment when it's easy to feel isolated.

the kids, you ask? oblivious! a blessing in disguise? deep disguise, i say. good for them. well, we don't have much choice about taking the plunge, so here we go ... we'll keep you posted!

h

burkah, brca, abracadabra

i somehow forgot to mention that jane has received the results of her BRCA test - mysteriously, they are inconclusive! neither positive or negative, they do not indicate whether she should be on tamoxifen, have her ovaries removed, or simply poke out her eyes with a sharpened stick - ugghhh! she feels battle weary and zonked from this episode, as it simply means that more information must be gathered ... strange that this 'mutation' is not clearly visible one way or the other. so once again a question mark hangs over jane's head ... that BRCA is like a burkah, smothering her so!

on a different note, we go wig shopping at lunch (speaking of smothering), meeting at the mall for a quick bite ... kids firmly back in school, we ourselves are able to resume a semi-normal life ... work, daily routine, etc. which is most welcome. jane tries on a few fetchin' numbers, and looks quite good - as a friend remarks later in the day: 'did you ever think one year ago that you'd be going wig shopping???' so true.

i'm toiling over dinner so that we can all sit down together for a family evening, to hear about the 'first day back' for the kids ... friends, school work, etc.. we eagerly await diving into our dessert - a lovely pale green box of ladurée macarons fresh off the plane from paris (courtesy of r&j - merci as always for thinking of us!).

a couple more days to 'countdown' chemo - we've ordered netflix movies to watch on jared's dvd player as the treatment courses through her body - something to distract us as we take our first steps on this new road. helvetica, the lives of others, and the gods grew tired of us (no, not a euphemism for this specific situation!).

peer into the crystal ball

as a new year begins it seems as if it's less a matter of reflecting on the events of the last twelve months, and more a feeling of what the next fifty two weeks may bring.

despite being generally optimistic people, it's difficult NOT to have a small, queasy sense that the other shoe is continuously about to drop, particularly when the past year ends on a more trying note. and yes, of course, there is so much to be thankful for, particularly concerning jane's expedient recovery from surgery, the kids' non-traumatized attitudes, and lots of love and support - all for which we are incredibly grateful.

no, it's more a feeling of mystery i suppose. last year at this time there were a bunch of our compatriots who were perfectly well, and in the past year have come to know cancer themselves. and all march forward with courage and hope, which sustains them. so what will this new, secular year bring? we don't have a magical crystal ball to look into, and tea leaves, palm readings, and ouija boards don't seem to bring any comfort ...

we will all move on together, with that indefatigable human spirit which propels us blindly in the direction of hope, and the certitude that something great lies just around the corner ...

yep, that's what we're going with ... that's it! it's all good, and despite whatever challenges insist on presenting themselves, this year will be the best ever!

bonne année!