2008

what more could we wish for in the coming new year ... health (!!!), happiness, & love ...

to all our friends and family who have been so incredibly supportive (rah, rah - a real cheerleading team), we thank you from the bottom of our hearts!

may this year bring peace to all around the world,

jane, harley, jared, marlee, andi

thanks a lock

i neglect to mention throughout all of this discussion (endless discussion) about wigs, hair, and other hirsute pursuits (not trivial, of course), that not only has jane cropped her cheveux ... she follows in marlee's footsteps. the discarded ponytail from her new bob will make it's way to pantene, where it will become part of a wig for another unknown cancer patient in the process of losing her hair to the effects of chemotherapy (pantene beautiful lengths campaign).

jane feels great about this development - being able to help a fellow 'sister' in need, and the irony of marlee's own identical act of selflessness in august, pre-diagnosis, does not elude us ...

it's a bright, sunny clear day in new york - all the kids have slept out, and we roam the city last night, catching persepolis at the angelika and enjoying ginger fried chicken at lovely day with ali & henry ... divine! we will now sneak into nolita for café creme, friands, and fresh squeezed oj - a downtown treat at gitanes before we return to pick up the little ones ...

who's that girl?

sung to the tune of madonna's who's that girl?

when you see her, say a prayer and kiss your heart goodbye
she's trouble, in a word get closer to the fire
run faster, her laughter burns you up inside
you're spinning round and round
you can't get up, you try but you can't

quien es esa niña, who's that girl
señorita mas fina, who's that girl
quien es esa niña, who's that girl
señorita mas fina, who's that girl

you try to avoid her, fate is in your hands
she's smiling, an invitation to the dance
her heart is on the street, tu corazon es suyo
now you're falling at her feet
you try to get away but you can't

light up my life, so blind I can't see
light up my life, no one can help me now

who's that girl
now, who's that girl
now, who's that girl
now, who's that girl

yep, it's jane alright - new 'do and all!

diddy for a doc

oh, to be married to a doctor,
although at times i have mocked her,
dedication to patients,
sometimes tries my patience,
but for this i should not have knocked her ...

you see, how our life is much clearer,
as big tests and treatments grow nearer,
i wouldn't know what to do,
or who to turn to,
so for this her profession grows dearer ...

it's all so confusing,
and not so amusing -
to make the decisions
and think of incisions
her knowledge it is quite diffusing

now architecture is great,
and my hours are not late,
but i can't save a life,
and i can't handle strife,
so our wedding seems like it was our fate ...

she's just a physician,
she's not a magician,
with a lance and some pills,
she strengthens their wills,
and helps them with their own positions ...

results and stats make my head spin,
with despair i would say that one can't win,
to make sense of it all,
can make spirits fall,
so it's nice there's an m.d. who is kin -

she's straightened me out,
with nary a shout,
i'm feeling quite good now,
with hope i can see how
her recovery is certainly not in doubt!

twilight zone

i think we're feeling a bit out of sorts ...

between the kids being off school (no routine), managing jane's surgery and recovery (disorienting), and returning from rwanda (long absence coupled with jet lag), we are disconnected from 'the norm'. the regular, chaotic ebb and flow of life has shifted, and we seem to exist in some sort of netherworld now.

so the task at hand is to enjoy the 'break' - precisely for the reasons of no running, picking up, dropping off, etc.. and although we partake in a glass of wine at the central park boathouse on christmas day (heavenly), it seems as if we've been missing our time in the city.

this weekend we need to get back into café gitanes, landmark sunshine, new museum, lovely day, taim, magnolia, moma, the whitney, morgan library, etc. and we have to 'plug ourselves in'. i'm pretty sure that this is the formula to success, particularly in light of the fact that the next few months will bring their own disruptive moments.

hoping this works ... hoping this helps!

mixed media

i guess i'm getting mixed messages.

on one hand, jane tells me that we need to 'go slow' - she's not certain how she's going to feel as she proceeds with treatments starting next friday. she's not sure how much energy she'll have after chemo, or whether it will take all weekend to recuperate and gain strength. on the other hand, she is refreshingly 'flip' about the whole affair, brushing it off as a necessary evil which will allow her to eat chips and pretzels (medical recommendation to ward off nausea). i make the mistake of suggesting that kashi bars would be a much healthier alternative to this - men, take it from me ... don't ever suggest a 'good' substitute when your woman is given the green light to eat junk food - EVER!

and on yet another hand (did i run out?) she tells me that she'll probably be fine and would be able to have a nice shabbat dinner on friday night (huhhh??? that one DEFINITELY does not make any sense to me). then she says that as we are cancelling our family trip to asia in february, she'll need to do something relaxing if we reschedule for april - lie on a beach, etc.. and on yet another hand, she is unloading dishwashers and shlepping things around contrary to my outrageous protests - uggghhhhh!!!

so basically, my own confusion reflects the general havoc wreaked upon us by the breast cancer diagnosis. so we trudge along, wine in hand, or latté in hand if it's before 2pm. we don't really know WHAT is happening!?!

perhaps ignorance is bliss. as soon as we have it figured out, we'll fill you in ... unless you already understand what we clearly don't - and if this is the case, feel free to enlighten us!

h

hello, raquel!

finally home with jane, the kids, my parents - enjoying marlee's 13th birthday!

the sky did not fall in my absence, the house was not burned down, and everyone managed to eat three square meals a day - amazing! jane does not even seem to be depleted from managing solo, and it's great to see her back with all of her strength ...

so a new chapter begins shortly, and i suppose that the reality of the situation is starting to sink in ... the chemotherapy sessions, the hair loss for jane, the fatigue ...

did you know that raquel welch has a line of wigs? it's the signature collection!?!

despite my best efforts, jane starts wig shopping in anticipation of the aesthetic changes promised by the doctors and nurses. when i suggest that we both shave our heads, insisting that she'd look positively gorgeous and striking being 'bald', she shoots me a poisonous glare and tells me that i'm crazy and insensitive. honestly, i think she'd look very striking with no hair, big false eyelashes - a real 'look' - very funky. i can't even say that she vehemently disagrees - she's more dismissive than that and basically ignores me! oh, to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune!

maybe i'll shave my head anyway, a la sex in the city ...

debbie in belgium, noushin, rochelle, and others have been incredibly inspiring to jane, not to mention all of the love and support of family and friends ... she feels emboldened by this and resolves to be a-okay for all of us!

i am going to ask for favors again, so i can be there for jane's friday chemo sessions - shabbat dinners delivered, dropoffs and pickups, etc. so be prepared to be called upon - it's not the draft, but you may be asked to serve!!!

jane's decided not to take the wig thing too seriously - she's not looking for a super fine human hair piece spun by nimble fingers ... rather, she'll opt for a few different pieces and have some fun - maybe a long red curly wig one day, a short blond 'bob' from 'the avengers' the next - possibly even a disco afro one saturday evening! we'll try to keep some humor about the whole wretched predicament!!!

stay tuned, wishing you all great holidays and a big happy birthday to marlee!

xoxo

feelin' bad

oh, how i wish i was home ...

had i left africa on thursday evening, i could have potentially been back to hold jane's hand as she found out that she needs chemo ... of course, she's great and will be fine, but somehow the distance at this particular moment seems positively dreadful.

my flight to nairobi and bruxelles is cancelled late in the afternoon, stranding me here for another 24 hours - missing my 'day' in europe on the way back (paris is cancelled for tomorrow), so sunday and monday will involve a lot of flying. i've overstayed my welcome, my place is back at home at this moment, and i feel horrible!!! i am staying at a depressing hotel in kigali, courtesy of brussels airlines, but thankfully there is fast and reliable high speed internet - a first here - so i can video chat and skype with the kids, my parents, and jane.

jane has coffee with noushin, and feels prepared to go forward ... she speaks to the kids about what is involved, and the physical changes (hair loss, fatigue) that will take place, as a result of the treatment. we still have two other tests that we're waiting on, so there may yet still be further ramifications. the february family trip to hong kong and tokyo will be cancelled, and friday nights will be a somewhat low key affair for the next few months, as this is the day of treatments.

i go sit at the pool bar after dinner to drown my sorrows with mutzig beer, and type furitively on the laptop, when a young lady approaches - basically harranging me that i should go upstairs with her and enjoy a nice evening. boy, did she pick the wrong night and person to hit on!!! jane is rather flattered (and incredulous!!!) when i relate the story to her ... am i that old jane???

anyhow, back in my room, ALONE, ready to conk out. tomorrow i'll spend the day by the pool enjoying the warm african sun and thinking that i missed the boat - should have left two days ago and made my way back to NY!!!

ugghhh...

h

finding chemo

it's no child's play ...

today i take a 'day off' and spend a pleasant afternoon by lake kivu just outside of goma, democratic republic of congo ... as i enter my reposed state of being, i am happy to see that jane is calling - we have spoken a bit earlier, and she has not had any 'news' regarding her testing.

when we speak later in the afternoon, african time, it is to discuss some of the results that she has received: the initial 'oncotype' test that we were waiting on has just come back, indicating a 'mid level' reading. so, jane falls into a gray area for possible recurrence (in other words, a 5 to 10% chance above normal for cancer to reemerge). she sounds good, although obviously disappointed that she has not be read at the lower level, which would have ruled out chemotherapy as a treatment.

we will now await the other oncotype test, and the BRCA test to come back, and will determine at that time whether to proceed with chemo, as it seems we will do.

jane is strong, prepared, and in good spirits, and despite feeling a bit deflated by the news, is still obviously delighted to be free of the lesions she had before surgery. the goal is to continue to keep her well and strong ...

she has a ton of love and support, and will do amazing, whichever route she must follow!

h

soprano

i just can't help it ...

whenever jane says that she is awaiting the results of her BRCA test, i must immediately think of lorraine bracco of the soprano's. this breast cancer genetic test is a blood test that checks for mutations in genes that control normal cell growth. it is thereby a useful tool in helping to determine the odds of developing breast or ovarian cancer (although it does not detect actual cancers). so, we wait, again.

we also expect results back from the willie wonkatype tests (oncotyping); jane informs me today that although two are supposed to be 'run' on the two independent lesions, they only do one at a time due to the high insurance cost. if the first comes back as 'low risk for recurrence' - which should be good news - they run the second test on the separate site ... hey, why not prolong that shot at a clean bill of health! so, after the first reading, we will either know for certain if jane will do chemo-light, or we will sit another couple of weeks for the next round to conclude. oh, the joys of modern medicine!

at any rate, all are well, jane's feeling fine, and has a full house - my parents have come to help out - and spoil the kids in my absence. sweet!

so sit tight, cozy up with a laura branigan cd (which i am forced to think of whenever i think of lorraine bracco, which i am forced to think of whenever i think of the BRCA test - oy!), and have a nice day ...

h

hurricane

it is amazing how quickly one can immerse themselves in an intense situation, weather it, then extract oneself from it just as quickly.

i have just skyped jane at 4pm new york time - she is out for lunch with a friend (isn't it a little late for that? haha) - a consolation for the loss of a visit from gilda i guess. the point being, she has been through this unbelievably consuming experience, causing anxiety, concern, bodily change, and has come through on the other side of it ... happy, relaxed, and looking lovely!

how do we as humans ride out these storms? we 'descend' into them, peering only into a vacuum which promises to suck us in whole - then endure an utter blur (transcending time, daily activities, anything beyond the scope of the task at hand) - and then suddenly it is 'behind' us.

of course, we still await treatment options for jane, and despite still being in the middle of all of this, she moves forward. work, kids, holidays - fully back in the swing of things.

isn't life grand?

catch cold

jane and i chat with a video link - she: at home, lamenting over gilda's cancelled trip; me: in kigali about to keel over from jet lag.

jane is cold in new york - it's frigid there, actually. i, on the other hand, am suffering from an intense sunburn earned at the construction site for the asyv village i am working on, deep in the heart of rwanda not too far from the border with tanzania.

despite my best attempts at feigning pain, i get no sympathy from my dear spouse (not to mention the kids, who pop in and out of the screen). it's great to see jane, enjoying a couple of days off (sans her dear friend) - i fear she's spending this time doing laundry, opening mail, and cleaning bathrooms, so i push her to venture into the city tomorrow as planned. have lunch and go shopping!

my parents will soon join her in long island (to 'nurse' her), and will stay through marlee's birthday (x-mas day), by which time i'll be back to take care of jane. although frankly, she's doing so well, i may be phased out of my job ... now wouldn't that be nice for all of us!

thinking of healing, from this side of the world ...

cry-bebe

how sad!

after threatening for years and years to do a 'girls' weekend, it is finally arranged thanks to the unexpected arrival of breast cancer ... the date is picked, the flights are booked (despite my protests about it all being 'too much' - the abdulezers leave for california and hawaii in a few days!). but nothing will deter these iraqi broads!

they send me packing, jane is excited to pick up gilda at the airport this evening, days are taken off and arrangements are made for the kids so the ladies can lunch in the city. alas, it is not meant to be!

snow, be damned! and bloody air canada too! (okay, i know it's technically not your fault, but somehow whenever ANYONE is flying this measly one hour route, you cancel the flight!). air canada flight 752 will not happen today. wahhh!

i truly and genuinely feel bad for jane and gilda - i know they were SO looking forward to a love fest for 72 hours, sans spouses, and although we still hold out a glimmer of hope for an arrival on monday, we are doubtful.

guys, your friendship transcends snow, miles, kilometers, faulty i-chatting efforts, even air canada! keep a stiff upper lip, and i promise that when i get back, morris and i will arrange for a nice luxurious weekend away for the two of you ... i'm thinking the hampton inn at burlington?

xoxo,

h

i-thanks

how amazing it is to be so far away and still maintain contact - with jane, the kids, and life at home ...

the younger generation have no idea what gettoni, asymonim, and calling cards are! i vividly recall traveling in my late teens, and trying to find a phone that would allow me to make an international call - based, of course, on the ability to locate an operator who could set that up for you. physically sitting by the phone, we would anxiously await the crackly call back from this person, who could put you in touch with your (barely audible) family and friends for a princely fee.

my, how times have changed!

in the wee hours of the belgian morning, i simply click a single button on the computer, and up pops jane, jared, marlee, & andi. in living color, courtesy of i-chat, aim, msn or whatever (not quite sure how it works, just know which button to press!). i am able to speak with and see jane - another round of good results today, her ‘slides’ being looked at a second time (the proverbial second opinion), confirming the initial information that her nodes are ‘clear’ - great news!

it is a relief to not only see jane, but to see that she can finally blow dry her own hair - i’m off the hook! i have been getting perilously close to giving her a sinead o’connor hairdo while she sleeps, so she will be spared that fate now that she’s on her own grooming track! the kids look great too, showing me art projects, new nail fashions, and other fascinating tidbits, all making me feel as if i am (ominously!) close to them ...

back in africa now, i’ve never been more thankful for modern technology than during this trip - it’s a great comfort!

wishing you my best from rwanda,

harley

you’re so ... far away!

neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet, nor hail ...

well, almost!

i take leave of my gang at home, as planned, and make my way to bruxelles - stretch limos, much-maligned weather, and delayed flights add to the frenzy. jane takes my place at the diner with andi for breakfast today, calling to let me share in their tete a tete (my customary friday morning haunt with him!). she seems to be feeling terrific, lots of energy, well organized, and happy for my voyage abroad - even inspired by the work that lies ahead!

i share her optimism, and now that i have an ocean between myself and her i realize how incredibly well she has handled all that has come her way in the last few weeks. moving from 0 to 60 in such a short stretch - from preliminary testing, to a cancer diagnosis, then seeking medical opinions and doing research, through surgery and recovery, and quickly back on her feet.

i spend the day bumming around antwerp with our friend debbie’s sister karen - we have a fun day enjoying this hip port city - and it is truly relaxing slice of heaven for me! jane is excited about this trip, which puts me at ease ... happy for the progress on the project in rwanda, and glad that i am able to sneak some time with debbie & dino and gang.

i spend an amazing evening with the entire lieber family at their stunning home in antwerp, relishing their genuine warmth and gracious hospitality - a truly special group who are thoughtful and welcoming. we have an incredible shabbat dinner with great food, wine, and conversation. quite a friday night!

it lessens the distance between myself and my own gang, for which i am most humbly and profoundly grateful ...

shabbat shalom,

h

NRG

so kiss me and smile for me
tell me that you'll wait for me
hold me like you'll never let me go
cause i'm leavin' on a jet plane
don't know when i'll be back again
oh babe, i hate to go...

tomorrow finds harley in bruxelles, visiting debbie, dino, karen, and the rest of the belgian contingent.

but will it be jane that requires a dose of belgian beer by the time i am back?

now that she is recharging so nicely, feeling strong and prepared for the next steps, i'm concerned about her resources being depleted in my absence (not that my presence doesn't sufficiently deplete her energy stores!). will jam (jared-andi-marlee) put her in a pickle?

1. will they unload the dishwasher (without me having to video chat with them from kigali to implore them to do so?)
2. will they not fight about the front seat, the best tv spot, which portion of ice cream is bigger, etc.
3. will they make a feeble attempt at straightening up their rooms so jane doesn't need to (literally) bend over backwards?
4. will they do their homework without her asking them a million times 'did you do your homework?'
5. will they separate the whites and colors voluntarily, and inside out the sleeves?
6. will they NOT miss the bus? (metaphorically and physically speaking, of course)
7. will they actually answer the phone while she's in the shower?
8. will they not beat the living daylights out of each other?
9. will they not scream out 'MOM!!!!!' for everything they can't locate inside of one millisecond?
10. will they not scream out 'DAD!!!!!', forgetting that i'm in africa, and not downstairs?

well, perhaps after all is said and done, the little ones will make life easy for jane, helping out and snuggling up - and maybe, just maybe, she'll get more of a break with me out of her hair!

h

tropic of cancer

today, a horrifying and depressing exercise in near futility.

jane and i go for the proverbial second opinion ... she leaves work early, we coordinate the kids' schedules, i vacate my stack of papers and the necessary packing that must be done for thursday, and we meet at the cancer center (which we immediately dub the cancer cancer center, brought to you by cancer & cancer inc.).

ugghhh. for all of the levity that we have applied to this particular set of circumstances, not even the bright architecture of this place can mask an oppressive sensation. a grove of bamboo rises and reaches for the skylight (euphemism for healing?). gleaming tiles, donor plaques, and shiny surfaces belie the 'treatment rooms' beyond.

the longer we await in this mall-of-america-esque environment, the more it hits us - this is not the place for us! we have moved along so expediently: diagnosing, researching, nip-and-tucking, analyzing - all with self-imposed grace and ease, and a good measure of laughter. but this place - it screams out 'we will take care of you, you poor, tired, hungry cancer patients'! oh!!! 'look at all of the people and corporations that have pledged money to help you - since you can't take care of yourself'!

the longer we wait, the longer we sink. this is too much. tick tock. tick tock. click clack (jane's customary high heels) ... back and forth, smiling at the desk attendant. annoying the desk attendant. berating the desk attendant. one hour passes. in all of the visits that we have made to doctors over the last month, nothing is like this - no explanation, no courtesy offers of coffee or bottled water. nothing.

by the time we 'get in' to see a nurse, we are livid! they are shutting the lights all around us (yes, it's that late!). we separately and vehemently take this person to task, unleashing a tirade of pent up hostility - lucky her. she is rather sheepish at first, towing the line ... then relents and crumbles into downright apologies (fully warranted). she goes on to tell us about support groups, treatment rooms with plasma tv's, exercise classes ... just give us our damned chemo and we'll be out of here! this is the ritz carlton for the intrepid ...

by the time the doctor arrives, it is time for me to go get the kids. we sit briefly with arms crossed. she writes down the notes - not looking directly at us, or asking jane for a verbal history. rather, taking down the facts. cold. numerical. empirical.

i leave, fighting traffic and inner fury - half the day gone, for no good reason. i scurry here and there, filling the mini cooper's seats with children - wrestling, hebrew school, concert preparation - dinner for six. it all gets done somehow, and we unwind with an evening performance at marlee's school.

no second opinion needed on that front - it is great!

so, a very bad afternoon, unnecessarily unpleasant - the first one 'so far' so we can't complain too much (don't say anything!).

the scourge

how strange is this scourge, cancer?

we see it everywhere, all around us. and this is not like when you buy a red car, suddenly you see everyone else is driving a red car. this is the real deal.

we are shocked to realize that we know SO many people in our age group who have been diagnosed with various forms of cancer. and we look at each other - everyone is fit, 'healthy', on a good diet plan, living balanced lives - and we shake our heads. how can it be? it doesn't make sense?

this unfortunate reality somewhat paves the path for jane when she learns that she has breast cancer. it is a silent resignation, a 'crossing over' to the other side, joining close friends and family in the shared struggle for what is taken for granted - good health. so, the words are uttered - it's cancer - and suddenly off and away we go! we know the terms too well, not just because jane is a physician, but because we've heard our friends say them over and over.

but misery does NOT like company - although frankly we do draw upon the strength of others. then we are in the midst of the battle, and an acquaintance will call to share their story. did YOU know they had cancer? nope. then another. and another.

so, mr. gore, is it the environment? the fabled long island curse? the ddt that jane ran through as a child in baghdad, when they did pesticide spraying indiscriminately? is it our cross-pollinated genetically modified food? white sugar? bleached flour? stress? fatty food? genes? dye in our clothing, sheets, hair? radio waves? cell phones?

we may wait years for science to uncover the actual answers, and hopefully this knowledge is within our reach. the real question is, if there are environmental considerations in the causes of cancers, will we human beings have the fortitude to curtail our habits that may play a part in this plague?

h

help me, rwanda

"i wish i could put a basket made in rwanda in the home of every american. made by the rwandans that are part of these reconciliation cooperatives, where hutus and tutsis are now living together, working together, and making their baskets together. here are people who've been through things that no american will ever know. and they've concluded, after being humbled by their own rage and the pain of their losses, that what we have in common is so much more important than our differences. i think that would be the greatest gift you could ever give to america."

-president bill clinton, when asked which single gift from abroad he would give to his own culture

so, in light of the good news that jane has received to date, and the fact that we are in a holding pattern for two weeks (waiting on tests), we make a decision. i will leave this week for rwanda, as planned, to continue my work on the village which is rising from the hills of rwamagana ... a home which will shelter, inspire, teach, and nurture 500 orphans from the genocide which tore this east african nation apart in 1994.

i am reluctant to go at this time, but jane's energy, positive attitude, and guarded optimism give me the resolve to see this work through. i hear her say constantly 'how much worse off things could be'. amazing. here is a woman, just a couple of weeks after life-changing surgery concluding that she has it pretty good!

so off i go ... to the heart of africa, to be inspired on another level, knowing that jane will be well taken care of. gilda is flying in from montreal for some 'bff' time, followed by my parents with chicken soup and smothering love! so i'll muddle through (despite jane's teasing that i have to run away to sub-saharan africa for a 'break' - crazy!), and will do my work, drink my muetzig beer, and hopefully help to repair the world!

we send all of you a proverbial rwandan basket!

thai one one

i have come to realize that women are truly brave! and how differently they operate than their male counterparts...

women, when diagnosed with breast cancer, have a palette of choices they must confront and act upon. it is generally their (and their physician's) primary concern that they stay well and healthy - tumorous tissue is removed either by lumpectomy or mastectomy. the patient may then be required to undergo a regimen of treatment to continue to live cancer free.

i think it would be hard to imagine that men could be so brave. notoriously known for crying imminent death when the common cold strikes, could one reasonably expect that men would relinquish any part of their lower halves?

it is a sad truism that many men, including lance armstrong, are struck with testicular cancer annually. these men do, in fact, take the necessary steps involved in securing their health - testicles are removed and treatments follow. bravo to them, they are inspirational in both guarding their well being as well as removing the stigma from such surgery.

but as i watch a french news report on the thai women and the revenge they exact on their unfaithful male counterparts, i ponder whether or not men would be able to willingly relinquish their penises if their own health were at stake. in thailand, there is a new and frightening trend - women who traditionally use their sharp knives for hacking away at lemongrass are now turning their blades on their husbands who stray. ouccchhh!

perhaps i am selling men short, no pun intended. but it does seem to me as if men are very overly 'attached' to their organs. despite being (erroneously) described as 'more rational' than women, men would probably have a very difficult time emotionally, and physically, detaching themselves (so to speak). one must be reminded that even circumcision is almost universally an entirely involuntary process - there is a reason that it happens just after birth!

how would men react, if confronted with the same dire choices that millions of women who are diagnosed with breast cancer each year face?

normal, regular, everyday

how delightful to report that there's nothing to report!

today is just one of those days ... everyone at work and school, getting picked up and dropped off ... dinner is made and enjoyed en famille ... homework, emails, bills, school forms ...

how happy we are to be talking again about the trivialities of life, of living, and to see a return (even if it is temporary) to normalcy! what we take for granted -

jane drifts off to sleep watching cnn's heroes (featuring dr. rick hodes of ethiopia, a jdc disciple and truly inspiring individual!) ... kids play games upstairs - divine!

and so, to all we wish a happy third night of hanukkah, and a good night!

h

led zeppelin

the lz 129 hindenburg, a german zeppelin, is one of the largest aircrafts ever built. it is destroyed by fire while landing in new jersey, killing 36 people and 1 dog. the disaster occurs on the sixth of may after an uneventful crossing of the atlantic from frankfurt.

today, jane and i keep our appointment with the ominously and unfortunately named dr. hindenburg.

we go to see this gentle and knowledgeable oncologist, a first for us. it is jane's first day back at work, and i meet her at the allotted hour. she is characteristically armed with papers documenting her progress, test results, scans, and a big smile. we have a long, frank discussion about low grade, high grade, invasive, estrogen receptors, and other assorted flavors.

another test is to follow, which will take two weeks to evaluate - the oncotype dx (to determine if chemotherapy is necessary, or if jane can 'wing it' with tamoxifen). i nickname this test the willy wonkatype dx (as i can't seem to remember what it's actually called) ...

willy wonka, the lead character in the roald dahl book charlie and the chocolate factory, is a connoisseur of confectionery. his tasty treats are world renowned and provide children and adults alike with a sense of wonder and excitement. amongst his closest friends are the oompa-loompas.

i'm beginning to feel as if we ourselves are in loompaland. more to follow ...

a great miracle happened there

oh, i crash therefore i am!!!

today is the day ... it has gotten to me! jane and i spend the day together - picking up the smashed mini cooper (alive and well despite our best wishes to bring forth it's early demise); quickly shopping for necessary hanukkah lcd tv for kids; walking the mall aimlessly, and lunching with large vat of wine at grand luxe. all in a futile attempt to ensure distraction whilst we wait for the long overdue results of jane's pathology (read: what comes next - more surgery? chemo?).

more shopping, and we return home. jane is justifiably obsessed with getting the results, as they will determine what is happening to her body, her life, and even (what's left of) her mind! and that goes double for me! by the time we muddle through our lunch, i'm in despair - we're all sinking lower without any hope. i pick at my food, guzzle my wine (shocking), and we leave, admiring the towering meringues topping the lemon tarts in the dairy case.

at home, we assemble furniture for the kids' lounge, plug in the tv, and eureka - jane finally receives a call from the pathologist. much head nodding, yessing, looks of relief, looks of terror - then the news.

jane seems to be in good shape for an old lady! she does in fact seem to have 'nodes' that are clear, which is amazing - it's confirmed. just on time for our oncology appointment tomorrow, which would have been futile if we were lacking this information. so, despite a modicum of uncertainty, this is still a great starting point.

i collapse, figuratively speaking! jane is ecstatic, calling family and friends, literally jumping for joy! i am brought back from the edge of calamity, but the toll is too much! i am zonked, relieved, nervous, crazed! it's about time!

i make a feeble attempt at dinner, but to no avail - jane insists on a quick bite out, which i fully support as my hands, legs, and head are now made of rubber. we grab a quick pizza and a glass of wine, now resting firmly at the top of my food pyramid. it is all hitting me now, despite jane feeling energized. the kids are running amok, it's the first night of hanukkah, and we're at a local dive - never mind the years of parties to mark the occasion, sufganiyot, fried chicken, etc.. this year, all of that plays second fiddle to today's news.

so, we are still not out of the woods - the physicians may well recommend chemo still, but it looks as if surgery won't be necessary. we're now coming from a good place - prevention as opposed to being on the attack. yeah!

on this night of miracles and light, we bask in the glow of the candles and the promise of a bright future!

happy hanukkah!!!!!

just do it ...

when the kids were slightly younger, they would ask for nike sneakers. in a fit of socialistic tirades, i would explain that we would find it difficult to support a company which would pay an eighteen year old youth the princely sum of 90 million dollars to endorse their products. the standard line would always be "let them put that towards cancer research, and then we'll talk!".

a few years down the road, jane and i still feel this way (communists that we are!) - and of course, even more so now. we see the global economy, and recognize that there are indeed tremendous benefits. but amongst the other perils (low wages in developing countries, product safety issues, etc.) there lurks the notion that everything is justified by the bottom line. of course, this is how business works, and despite our left-leaning politics, we realize that this type of economy (ie. pure capitalism) can foment some very creative thinking and some highly motivated people - without whom we may not have advances in technology, medicine, etc..

the flip side is that a small number of individuals become grotesquely and extraordinarily wealthy, their wallets' contents outweighing the gdp of most african nations! again, that's 'the system' and we relent - often times said ceo's are generous, charitable, and supportive of incredible causes. we still must take issue, however, with the priorities our society exhibits when it pays a movie star 30 million dollars to appear in a film, or a baseball player 20 million dollars for hitting a ball. there's not a lot of george clooney's out there (hitting for darfur, for example), and even fewer bill (and melinda) gates - people who are not only putting up the money, but actually affecting lives and creating permanent and lasting change on the ground. instead, we see shining examples of young people smashing their lamborghinis, messed up on pills, ignoring their kids - not really 'contributing to society'!

so, tell me, would an eighteen year old kid not be happy if nike offered him 9 million dollars (instead of 90!), and the corporate officers took that 'extra' 81 million and put it towards cancer research? an aids vaccine? the eradication of poverty? fair trade? perhaps no one finds a nobel prize winner 'sexy' - ie. they can't 'sell the product' ... in what demographic would you see consumers flocking to the shops to purchase items hawked by the likes of aung san suu kyi?

for certain, nike could 'spin' this slickly - promoting young minds saving lives or changing the world - to sell even more shoes, couldn't they?

just do it!

o', today we were listless -

(sung to the tune of the twelve days of christmas)

o', today we were listless -
we could not move a thing ...
and regrouped like the partridge family!

o', today we were listless -
we could not move a thing ...
two turtle bars,
and regrouped like the partridge family!

o', today we were listless -
we could not move a thing ...
three french flicks,
two turtle bars,
and regrouped like the partridge family!

o', today we were listless -
we could not move a thing ...
four calling friends,
three french flicks,
two turtle bars,
and regrouped like the partridge family!

o', today we were listless -
we could not move a thing ...
five golden cakes,
four calling friends,
three french flicks,
two turtle bars,
and regrouped like the partridge family!

o', today we were listless -
we could not move a thing ...
six pounds of chocolate,
five golden cakes,
four calling friends,
three french flicks,
two turtle bars,
and regrouped like the partridge family!

o', today we were listless -
we could not move a thing ...
seven loads o' laundry,
six pounds of chocolate,
five golden cakes,
four calling friends,
three french flicks,
two turtle bars,
and regrouped like the partridge family!

o', today we were listless -
we could not move a thing ...
eight types of cookies,
seven loads o' laundry,
six pounds of chocolate,
five golden cakes,
four calling friends,
three french flicks,
two turtle bars,
and regrouped like the partridge family!

o', today we were listless -
we could not move a thing ...
nine cups of cocoa,
eight types of cookies,
seven loads o' laundry,
six pounds of chocolate,
five golden cakes,
four calling friends,
three french flicks,
two turtle bars,
and regrouped like the partridge family!

o', today we were listless -
we could not move a thing ...
ten emails zipping,
nine cups of cocoa,
eight types of cookies,
seven loads o' laundry,
six pounds of chocolate,
five golden cakes,
four calling friends,
three french flicks,
two turtle bars,
and regrouped like the partridge family!

o', today we were listless -
we could not move a thing ...
eleven hours of lounging,
ten emails zipping,
nine cups of cocoa,
eight types of cookies,
seven loads o' laundry,
six pounds of chocolate,
five golden cakes,
four calling friends,
three french flicks,
two turtle bars,
and regrouped like the partridge family!

o', today we were listless -
we could not move a thing ...
twelve hours of tv,
eleven hours of lounging,
ten emails zipping,
nine cups of cocoa,
eight types of cookies,
seven loads o' laundry,
six pounds of chocolate,
five golden cakes,
four calling friends,
three french flicks,
two turtle bars,
and regrouped like the partridge family!

a hairy situation

how strange that just a couple of months ago, marlee was inspired to cut her flowing locks to donate them to pantene's beautiful lengths program. similar in nature to the idea behind the widely publicized locks of love, this effort helps women who are undergoing cancer treatment maintain their dignity. freshly cut healthy hair is combined with other like specimens to create realistic wigs which are available to those in need.

at the time, we were all so proud of marlee's commitment to this idea. we were also amazed that she was finally cutting her hair (the last time being when she decided to self-trim both her and her barbie as a toddler!!!). we could not have imagined, just a short time ago, that we ourselves would be discussing not only cancer, but weighing the effects of surgeries, treatments, and the disease's impact on our family. how intimate we have become with the foe.

just an odd twist that gives one reason to pause ...

doctor, doctor, gimme da news ...

a long week behind us, and jane continues to mend. today she moves forward in her quest for more information, but hits a wall - there is no further news on her 'pathology' so we play a waiting game.

calls are made to set up appointments with oncologists, as we try to figure out (in a vacuum) what is the best way to move forward ... not so easy. friends stop by with home made challah for the onset of shabbat, while others pop in with a delicious lunch that we all enjoy on china with a glass of wine. flowers pour in, chocolates arrive in waves (including yummy pretzels!), lovely teas follow - all are appreciated along with good wishes for jane's continued speedy recovery.

she feels great and is healing incredibly - no one can believe she just had surgery last week - she has boundless energy and a positive, giddy attitude! we finally venture out after lunch, making our way to the two surgeons, laden with fresh baked chocolate chunk cookies and gifts to show our own gratitude. not only are the doctors knowledgeable, skilled, and encouraging, but their entire staff reflect their own warmth and professionalism.

high marks all around, the kids slowly make their way back home from art, friends, wrestling ... more packages and good wishes. we order dinner from a local persian restaurant - delicious and easy - courtesy of yet more dear friends. an evening call finds us on our way to yet out for post-dinner coffee and dessert in the area - with yet more friends! we are overwhelmed and buoyed by everyone's kindness and love! more critically, we feel connected and engaged (not isolated) ... so helpful, and fun -

no wonder jane is healing so quickly!

love to all and shabbat shalom -

lady of leisure

the amazing jane! she's turning into a REAL long island lady -

she's eating chocolate bon bons in bed ...
she's blowing out her hair ...
she's doing her nails ...
she's putting on newly purchased makeup ...
she's being chauffeur driven ...
she's bossing her husband around ...
she's lounging in satin slippers and robes ...
she's sporting new outfits daily ...
she's talking on the phone twenty-four seven ...
she's going out for lunch with the girls ...
she's strutting around with fake boobs ...

oh my, what has happened to jane?

the grinch ...

this morning, while scurrying to get ready (kids, exercising, house cleaning) in order to get jane to her post-op doctor's checkup, i faintly hear the sound of plates clanking ... "jane, you are NOT unloading the dishwasher, right?", i shout out. "no, just getting some stuff", she lies blatantly! when i come upstairs, beds are made. "jane, you did NOT make the beds, right?", i shout out. "no, the kids did them", she lies blatantly. now she must really think i'm crazy!

i seethe with anger. as predicted, she is a hard woman to keep down. i'm furious! she is supposed to be taking good care of herself. she's pushes herself, which is great, but at a certain point the ambition for healing turns into detrimental chore chasing.

we drive to the surgeon's office in silence ... despite her best efforts, i don't crack and maintain my cold shoulder. i drop her off while parking, and when i finally get up to the office, she's already in ... i am asked to wait, at jane's insistence, while she is examined - knowing that i tend to faint at the sight of blood, gore, and processed foods.

the wonderful physician appears, euphoric with the results - jane looks amazing, she's totally mobile, healing beautiful, and is drain-free (don't ask!). he informs me that he's given her orders to 'take it easy', but she can drive soon, and even exercise over the next week or two. jane comes out beaming, apologetic, but totally thrilled and on a high. a new threshold! i'm delighted for her ...

it's a gorgeous day, we return home for a big lunch, jane is in her sleek sporty outfit, feeling trim and 'light'. we pass the afternoon working, chatting, and listening to music. the kids come home, phones are ringing, and all is good. jane continues to wait for medical results, tests really, so we're not totally 'done', realizing that although the physical healing is going so well, there's still a ways to go.

we return to our wednesday routine of going out for family dinner - not to the city, the usual thing we do, for asian noodles or couscous, but to a local restaurant for an italian bite (not wanting to drive too far yet). the kids tease me relentlessly for 'using' jane's surgery as a way to jump lines, get better service, etc.. we have a rowdy time of it, and return home exhausted - everything catching up with us - and end the evening by watching 'the grinch who stole christmas' ... a real throwback!

silent night ...

mother goose

trimming flowers
taking showers
making the bed
massaging her head

i take time to workout
or else i would shout
i then eat my yogurt
and throw on a t-shirt

o, what's a caregiver to do
when the patient's so dear to you?

unwrapping each gift box
pairing her comfy socks
fluffing the pillow
see the sheet billow

keep track of the presents
roast a few pheasants
answer her calls
drive past the malls

o, what's a caregiver to do
when the patient's so dear to you?

toast her some bread
with cheese she's well fed
stay away from her stitches
and all other hitches

make her laugh at noon
even sing her a tune
fall apart around 4
she picks me up off the floor

o, what's a caregiver to do
when the patient's so dear to you?

fetch her some water
make the thermostat hotter
wait, she said colder
(i'm starting to smolder)

call her mother and father
it's really no bother
drop off her letter
i see she's much better

o, what's a caregiver to do
when the patient's so dear to you?

to target i take her
i'd never forsake her
she's really not taxing
just emailing (not faxing!)

get the slippers, her book
blowdried hair, a new look
reach for the glass,
she's no pain in the ---

o, what's a caregiver to do
when the patient's so dear to you?

i make her lie down
in her pj's, a clown
and with never a frown
in her silk dressing gown

she can't stomach my lattés,
and the same for rich patés,
paris won't be cool
if she gives up this gruel!

o, what's a caregiver to do
when the patient's so dear to you?

to the doctors we'll go
to put on a good show
they'll tell us what's new
and what she must do

the kids think she's fine
i'm happy she's mine
friends call night and day
my mom shrieks 'oy vay'

o, what's a caregiver to do
when the patient's so dear to you?

dear friends pop by
i whip up a pie
and with some creme fraiche
our relationships mesh

she thinks next week she'll work
i say don't be a jerk!
she says go to kigali
or i'll go to bali

o, what's a caregiver to do
when the patient's so dear to you?

with gilda she talks
on a video box
at first thought she was mad
'bout - the blog - now she's glad

and as it turns night
some chocolate i bite
and chug back some wine
and xanax, so fine!

o, what's a caregiver to do
when the patient's so dear to you?

and as for tomorrow
we won't have much sorrow
we'll soldier along
what else could go wrong?

another day passed
it's been such a blast!
there's so much discovery
on the road to recovery ...