happy anniverary - again!

see what nineteen years can do to you? we eat tilapia in a strip mall this evening to celebrate all those years of wedded bliss! in our defense, we are between pickups and dropoffs, long ago realizing that the demarcation of our blessed nuptials are about as interesting to the kids as the calculations of pluto's moons rotating around the sun. so jane and i sit, drinking glasses of wine - the card that she gets for me deriding the many foibles of married life pales in comparison to the 'real thing' - we have, and feel like we have, been through so much together - haha, LOL.'

marlee graduates (middle school), andi graduates tomorrow - and it's been non-stop partying all week. medals, awards, certificates - such over achievers, minus the fact that every child in the school district is being handed an award of distinction. no wonder these kids have swelled heads (i thought it was just all those misguided baseball pitches!).

on a more somber note, i've been asking myself a philosophical question about marriage and the glue that holds us together (well, not 'us' per se, more the proverbial and inclusive 'us'). at marlee's graduation at the tilles center, the school principal requests a moment of silence for a senior student who has passed away (unfortunately, run over at night by a non-intoxicated driver - literally, an accident), just a few days shy of high school completion. tuesday morning, the following day, i wake in a cold sweat at 4:30 in the morning - it's hard not to shake this thought. a tragic, untimely death - and i don't think that there's a parent around who can't insert themselves in the pathos of this event.

it leads me to think about our own kids of course, and jared sailing across the street in miami during our passover break - causing vehicles to swerve uncontrolled, narrowly missing him as he crosses traffic on his bike (despite repeated warnings). heart thumping, mind numbing. and i flash back to that. had jane not contracted breast cancer, we would not plan a miami trip, instead opting for the prescheduled asia jaunt to hong kong and tokyo. so the cancer diagnosis lead us to miami, where jared narrowly escapes a horrible fate... but what, g-d forbid, if things had turned out different, and we find ourselves in the shoes of this other family? and jane and i look at each other - and i blame her - "if you didn't have cancer, we wouldn't be here and this wouldn't have happened". and what happens to a marriage then, when there is irrational blame borne of anger and despair - how do people and families survive? please g-d let no one know the answer to this, but it really makes one think. is it all 'wrong place, wrong time'? or fate? does it matter, and what happens to the pieces, the players, and everything that touches them?

so on our anniversary, i'm thankful and feeling lucky that we have yet to meet those challenges that could cause us to turn to each other and point a finger, however irrationally. and in reality, we've been there, through those really tough moments. but we're still standing - amazing but true! funny what you can endure - what does the song say? "that that don't kill 'ya, can only make 'ya stronger" ...

disco fever (stayin' alive)

some things just work better when set to music ...

for example, our lives of late. in my quest for exploring the bounds of my own artistic creativity, i have taken to blaring house music during the day while splicing, drawing, cutting, pasting, and painting. it puts me in a groove of sorts, and allows me to 'fall into' what i'm doing. it also takes away all other distractions - strange noises, phones ringing, etc. - and affords me the opportunity to focus on the task at hand.

marlee kind of moves to this groove too - she constantyl has music blaring, or i-pod swirling, etc. and it seems to work for her - she's always happy and laughing. so i've decided to give it and try, and guess what? it's a fabulous mood enhancer! so i bop away - during grocery shopping at fairway, whilst making beds, tidying up, etc.. kind of like setting your life to a musical score.

as noted previously, jane is falling under the weight of life - primarily self-imposed in my humble opinion, but nonetheless feeling the drag. what becomes apparent last night, as we put on our disco clothes to attend a bar mitzah in the city, is that 'we've got the music in us'. a bit of treble and bass clef wafting through the air permeates our senses - and lifts our spirits! we shimmy, boogie, and jingle to the beat - and for the duration, all is fine! in fact, the party continues on the ride home ...

so, here goes, a summer full of music - who knows, it just might make the difference!

guilty conscience?

it's a wierd thing, but the more i push jane, the more i find i'm the messenger being shot. for example, i know that she is eager to exercise, now that she's been given the green light from her physician. she would like to increase her upper body strength, augment her range of motion, etc.. so she's doing that, but still running around waking the kids, making lunches, unloading the dishwasher, loading laundry - all of which i can do or assist with or do away with altogether. and when she's doing that 'stuff', it means she's not taking care of her own self.

and more importantly and telling, not really making TIME for her own self. i see her scurrying about a lot - rushing to work, then rushing home, then rushing to something else. all of which is normal this time of year, but my sense is that she feels as if she's 'missed' the past six months, and she owes it to everyone to 'catch up'- at work, at home, with friends.

in reality, at least from where i sit, she didn't miss a bit during surgeries and treatments. she continues to work all the way through, see friends and socialize, travel, run the house with me, be there for the kids ... so i'm not quite sure i understand this heightened anxiety about totally immersing oneself into all of this minutia.

in fact, this is probably the most critical part of her 'treatment' after the physical repairs. it's the mental and emotional well being and recovery ... making space and time for that to happen. peace, serenity, relaxation ... or party, going out, engaging with the city. i'm not quite sure which option is best, but i know that it's important for her to be a bit selfish right now, and she's doing exactly the opposite.

not to mention that when i tell her this, i'm the enemy! yesterday i make it clear that i'm trying to assist her by telling her to leave everything and go exercise; i'm doing this for her own best interests. i have no alterior motive, other than to make her feel better and get well. i tell her to take a week and go away somewhere alone. let's see, i just don't want her running herself ragged, feeling 'guilty' that she's put all of us through this (absurd, but i suppose somehow comprehensible as one emerges from the shock of breast cancer diagnosis, treatment, and recuperation)...

anecdotes and studies

an anecdote, which comes to me while i am wiping down the breakfast table with windex this morning (and wondering if i'm poisoning my family with carcinogens concurrent to my cleaning).

jane and i go out for dinner, many years ago - sushi actually, with a very nice couple in great neck. we don't know them all that well, but they are very nice and their son is friends with jared.  we talk about all manner of things, very first date like actually.  when the subject turns to business, the husband tells us how he came to america as a teenager, and studied in school, and used his training to start up a business.  we go on and on, and it is clear that they are not only personally successful - a lovely family, etc. - but also professionally accomplished.  finally, jane (who is skeptical about how anyone actually makes money) blurts out: "it's amazing that there are so many people around the world interested in buying CAMEL COATS".  we all just stare at her blankly.  i snicker, used to these foibles.  "well, actually", the husband refutes, "i am in CHEMICALS, and my work is with dow, dupont, and the like!".  'nough said.

yesterday, we are invited to a delightful luncheon at the plaza hotel, courtesy of rochelle and jeff (thank you again!).  it is part of their work with ICRF (israel cancer research foundation) that brings us to the grand ballroom of this venerable hotel.  the room is lovely, filled with eager and participatory women (primarily, as it is a 'women of action' event); the food, tasty; the company, divine; the cause, extremely worthy.  however, beyond all of this, four women are being recognized for their courage and determination in fighting cancer, and for the assistance they provide to the community by sharing their stories, or using their circumstances to inform others.

the first recipient is the one i'd like to talk about. hoda kotb is her name, and she is a co-host of the fourth hour of the today show.  she shares her own personal story - a breast cancer diagnosis, the ensuing emotional rollercoaster, sharing her own 'private' story with others, and using it as a professional catalyst.  she specifically uses the phrase 'you can't scare me' as a mantra to find courage to do things that she may not otherwise have the energy or gumption to do.  very inspiring and engaging, this lovely and smart lady.

i am so happy that jane is with me to hear this; i think in a certain way that this is exactly what she needs to listen to.  she is at that point - not quite sure if she should retreat or charge, and i push her towards the latter direction, even when she resists or is unwilling.  i need her, for herself, to forge ahead and create a new course from this event.  this will ultimately empower her ... share her story, get involved with programs at susan g. komen for the cure, do the september race with a team of friends ... 

on another front, the drug that we see a story on recently, zometa, is the subject of a european study.  jane's oncologist has just been to vienna and knows the product well, and does, in fact, recommend that she starts this medicine.  it seems very promising, and all indicators suggest that there is nothing to loose, and potentially much to gain.  so we hope for the benefits when she begins this course in july ... good news, cancer research marches onward, upward.

self help group

it is pretty incredible that jane has so many people around her who have gone through, or are going through breast cancer. even whilst i tap away on the computer, she commiserates with a work peer about this scourge - comparing treatments, surgeries, and recoveries.

even within our own group of friends, there is a multitude of women sharing that same story. the good news is that for so many, detection is early and chances of 'success' are great; this is good news for all, and shows that advocacy and access to health care is having a progressively positive effect. the sad news is that the numbers seem to be growing - this opinion could be anecdotal given the circumstances, but all indicators seem to point to many, many young women going down this path ... too many!

it makes us concerned for our own daughter, for our friends' girls, for the daughter-in-laws we don't yet know, for our women in general. and it begs the question - if a woman has 'the gene', or there is a strong family history, should they be nudged in the direction of settling down and starting a family early? i suppose that there are SO many variables in life, and so little is under our control, that it's impossible to figure that one out.

so we will help with the effort to get to the root of breast cancer, and all cancers in general. with the way science is moving, one day this will be figured out, and this will all seem like a bad dream ...

pace yourself!

i think i may have figured something out ...

but first, happy father's day - to all the dads out there, enjoy your 'special' day - which means that you'll be barbeque-ing with a new necktie on, perhaps. [i make my own cake last night].

of late, i've written about getting back into the swing of things, post-cancer diagnosis. and here we are, moving along, adjusting (re-adjusting) to a normal routine. and of course, this is the busy season - in addition to quotidien aspects of life, we have baseball, graduation, concerts, pool parties, and the like - a schedule chock full of excitement.

jane is definitely doing great, but has those moments, and they're starting to reinforce my own preoccupation with aging, goals, and where we're going. and in a sense, we kind of feel like babies - are we prepared for the future? can one ever be prepared for the future (as seen through the lens of what has happened since november?).

so this is what i've figured out. i think, although i'm not sure, that WE think that we need to have it all figured out and wrapped up in a neat little box by say, 2010. that by the time our kids start heading off to start their own lives - college, jobs - we have to be 100% organized ... work, financial, house, retirement, parents, friends. perhaps it is because my own parents celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary yesterday, and that begs the question (happy golden anniversary to my mother and father!).

oh yes, here it is. 60 - that's the age i think about, not 50 (looming). and in fact, 60 is a long way off, and it dawns on me that we HAVE time, provided we can survive the roadblocks of life (fingers crossed, prayers said!). and if we somehow muddle through, we have a lot of good, productive years to 'hone' our lives - become more involved in causes, to learn more skills, produce more art, see more patients, and be their for our children. it's difficult to characterize, but i believe that with jane's breast cancer diagnosis, it seems that life is finite (yes, we know it is). but more concretely finite - in other words, we need to be 'done' soon to ensure that if anything happens to either one of us, the kids have absorbed all of our wisdom, they have a direction, we've left a legacy both personally and professionally, and we've amassed all that we need to ensure that they'll be okay.

and now, as true 'recovery' continues, we stretch this elastic truth and give ourselves a bit of slack, flexibility. we DO need to keep our eyes on the prize, but we can also meander, enjoy, relish. with a bit of hope and luck, we're not going anywhere fast, and we can exhale a bit and appreciate the ride.

11 june

nineteen years ago yesterday, jane and i find ourselves in the study of the rabbi in ottawa - just the three of us. as jane and i prepare for our 'real' wedding, two weeks later, we laugh at the sight - huddled with the clergy, waiting to sign a secular marriage contract. we become 'official' with a swipe of the pen, and although we are actually married, there is no big affair, no celebration. document in hand, jane is able to process her u.s. papers, which she will need in order to complete her medical residency, scheduled to begin a few weeks later, upon return from our honeymoon in portugal.

the day passes yesterday, and neither of us seem to remember or reflect back on this auspicious occasion; the date on our marriage certificate: 11 june. in reality, the date is inconsequential - devoid of family and friends, it is difficult to attach any particular significance to it. although we did go out for a beer right after with my immediate family, i seem to recall!

although a good chunk of time has passed, it's hard to believe that we've lived so much, survived so much! starting life as a young couple in greenwich village, making friends from all over the world, work, the kids, losing ina, the suburbs, building a house, becoming middle aged, breast cancer, travel ... and it all is a blur, like a movie in fast forward.

all of these events, good and bad, are the fabric that make up our 'couple' ... they've shaped us together, blended us in fact - we have a shared perspective on so many things, and have ingrained reactions to things that come our way. for better or worse, that's who we are in the 'jane and harley' show.

interestingly enough, as the kids emerge from childhood into adulthood, we are re-learning to how absorb and react to things independently. and i believe that's critical to ongoing and lasting relationships - to get to a point where it's possible to evaluate things through a more singular lens, to develop individual goals and ideals, to bring new and interesting things to the table.

or perhaps, just to choose different sides in the democratic primaries and vote differently?

happy 'anniversary'!

pressure cooker

the last few days, i've noticed a steady change in jane's outlook. post-florida, meaning post-chemo and surgery, she is buoyed by positive thoughts. but as we ease back into the normal rhythm of life, i see the signs of a bumpy landing; it somehow becomes more pronounced over the last little while, and is manifesting itself in stress and anxiety. jane is not able to project forward, past what is happening over the next few weeks; thinking towards the end of summer or next fall is completely out of grasp.

she herself recognizes what is happening, and completely agrees. the strain of shifting from fighting a disease (and all that is involved in that battle) to just going about the daily chores is like a ruptured fissure. and the resulting reverberations are tough to weather - i see it daily now in her demeanor. it's not an overt, shout-out-loud at everyone around type of response; rather, it's a slow, simmering preoccupation with moving ahead steadily.

i think that part of this is also attributed to 'mortality' as jane puts it - she has a fear of something happening to her, something finite and irreversible. and that is making her feel vulnerable, which i suppose only makes sense after the last few months. the big 'what if'. but in reality, there's absolutely nothing that we can do about those eventualities - pray? hope for good luck? - so we just move on.

and again, it's not really a sense of pessimism or that all is lost. and ultimately we both feel comfortable that with time and a bit of elbow grease, we'll have the summer to really get things back on track and spring into the next phase - whatever that may be!

it's a woman thing ...

on saturday, we watch hillary clinton withdraw her candidacy for the presidential bid, throwing her support behind barack obama, the defacto democratic nominee.

it's truly an historic and momentous occasion - witnessing the first woman ascend to this point on the political ladder - only to concede to the first african american to reach for the same goal. in many ways, it seems as if the reason we have so much more inclusion in this election season lies in the failed policies of the standardbearer of the landscape to this point - established white men. who, for the most part, seem to be out of touch with the realities faced not only by ordinary americans, but also by what other peoples endure daily around the world.

so we are lucky. lucky that we see other members of the planet represented right here, on main street usa. people of color. people of 'the opposite sex'. quite thrilling actually (although i do believe they've been electing women to higher office is lots of other countries for some time now!). does it mean that a black man, or a white woman, will necessarily make for a better presidency? no, of course not, but it's worth a shot.

and it DOES present a new and different visage to the rest of the world. america is a melting pot, and does on paper afford every citizen the same unbounded opportunities. so why shouldn't our candidates represent the myriad of people that make up the united states? many have said that the ongoing contest between barack obama and hillary clinton made for a weakened system. but in fact, quite the opposite is true - this reinforces the strength of our system, allowing for all voices to be heard, and for all opinions to be set forth.

bravo to both candidates, and in fact to the entire nation - for opening up these chances for all, and for showing the world that once again, america recognizes that it's time to reinvent itself, and to join the broader international community. let's all hope that this will lead to a more peaceful, more thoughtful society, at the ready, willing to solve our problems together ...

the reign of jane fall's mainly in the plain

the new times, rwanda

breast cancer patients have renewed hopes after king faisal hospital in kigali secured a high-tech machine to help doctors detect the disease. the mammography machine, which uses x-ray images of the affected breast, helps physicians to detect and evaluate breast cancer at an early stage. it is part of the newly procured medical apparatus from a $12 million grant, which saudi arabia offered to king faisal hospital. the grant extended which had been promised last year is meant for expansion and stocking of the hospital with modern equipment to upgrade into a referral hospital. dr. etienne uwimana, the head of radiology department, said: “breast cancer among african women has been there but lack of medical equipment for physicians to detect it remains a major stumbling block.” he said the new gadget will complement the already existing cancer detecting technology using an echography device which relies on ultra-sound waves.

this story, taken from an august 2007 article which appears in rwanda's largest daily newspaper, highlights the discrepancy between developing and developed countries when it comes to the early detection of breast cancer. incredibly, diagnostic tools that we take for granted in the united states are just now filtering into other places around the world, creating further imbalance between rich and poor. the unequal access to quality medical care places an undue burden on those who can least afford it (not that anyone is well equipped to deal with an unfortunate diagnosis). but in countries like rwanda, a woman who is suffering with breast cancer presumably has many children at home, a lack of funds to deal with the health crisis (and resulting chaos in the family), and is far removed from any treatment center, no matter how rudimentary it may be. [in the countryside of rwanda, a person is considered well off if they own a bicycle, explaining the constant stream of people walking along the side of the road at any given moment].

it's easy to complain about the systems we have in place in the west - a strange agglomeration of layers, as seen here in the u.s. (with it's own inequities), or the more homogeneous socialized methods of canada and the united kingdom. but in most cases, the equipment and skilled professionals are around in some format ... whether or not the populace is able to access them in a timely matter is another issue.

and while we take it for granted that imbibing a glass of red wine a day, or eating our fiber, or running on a treadmill for 30 minutes will help us stay healthier and last a bit longer, in reality we are just 'tweaking'. in developing nations, they don't have the luxury of taking three daily meals for granted, nor can they rely on enforced codes of physical exercise to improve their lot. their conditions, their lives, are seemingly completely dependent on things that they have no control over ... it must be an incredible leap of faith just to face a new day.

js

so happy that jane is back to normal. feeling well, looking great - hair growing in, smiling, exercising, and just enjoying life!

we are very much looking forward to a summer of frolicking. we need time - to restore, regroup, and pump up the volume. this past sunday we enjoy an action packed day - breakfast at café gitane, with maria and alicia; coffee with pam and the weitzman sisters at le pain quotidien; pizza at krunch uptown; the salute to israel parade; wine and pellegrino at café st. barts on park avenue; falafel at taim; a comedy show at upright citizen's brigade; and finally, cupcakes.

never mind the waistline!

it's all good, and we have some goals:

1. get in shape
2. sleep
3. be spontaneous
4. bike ride along the west side highway
5. run at jones beach
6. walk to kismet, fire island
7. explore nooks and crannies of manhattan
8. stay up late
9. hang out with friends
10. be creative
11. produce
12. work lots
13. avoid fairway
14. avoid domestic chores
15. smile lots
16. eat at cheap, down and dirty spots
17. discover
18. breath
19. be happy
20. transform

and that's just to start ... we're getting there, and we're in a good frame of mind to do it now. today i leave you with some famous people with jane's initials (no comment on how or weather they reflect appropriately on my beloved wife):

jessica simpson
java script
jordan sparks
jacques snicket
joseph stalin
jerry seinfeld
jimmy stewart
jimmy swaggart
jacqueline susann

bye!

better than milk!

there is a drug that is used to reduce the effects of cancer treatment by helping to slow or arrest bone loss. the drug, called zometa, has recently been found to have additional benefits for women diagnosed with early stage breast cancer, and who are premenopausal. this is precisely jane's situation, so it's very interesting and exciting news - when she goes for her next oncological follow up in a couple of weeks, she will ask her physician about the applicability of this to her own setup.

the previously unknown benefit of taking this drug is it's ability to lower the risk of recurrence in this group of cancer patients by 35% - a huge and welcome margin. the study that unveiled this connection indicates that women who are on tamoxifen (which is what jane takes daily - it is a hormone suppression drug) can potentially reap this added boost when it is taken in combination with their current daily regimen. although the control group does not include women who have had chemotherapy also, as jane has had, it seems as if the other factors do indeed match where she's at.

it really is fantastic how research, and sometimes pure serendipity, yield such good news. packed together with another benefit - staving off bone loss, with no known side effects - the addition of zometa to cancer treatment means that there are increased chances for a healthy, long life - bravo!