the last few days, i've noticed a steady change in jane's outlook. post-florida, meaning post-chemo and surgery, she is buoyed by positive thoughts. but as we ease back into the normal rhythm of life, i see the signs of a bumpy landing; it somehow becomes more pronounced over the last little while, and is manifesting itself in stress and anxiety. jane is not able to project forward, past what is happening over the next few weeks; thinking towards the end of summer or next fall is completely out of grasp.
she herself recognizes what is happening, and completely agrees. the strain of shifting from fighting a disease (and all that is involved in that battle) to just going about the daily chores is like a ruptured fissure. and the resulting reverberations are tough to weather - i see it daily now in her demeanor. it's not an overt, shout-out-loud at everyone around type of response; rather, it's a slow, simmering preoccupation with moving ahead steadily.
i think that part of this is also attributed to 'mortality' as jane puts it - she has a fear of something happening to her, something finite and irreversible. and that is making her feel vulnerable, which i suppose only makes sense after the last few months. the big 'what if'. but in reality, there's absolutely nothing that we can do about those eventualities - pray? hope for good luck? - so we just move on.
and again, it's not really a sense of pessimism or that all is lost. and ultimately we both feel comfortable that with time and a bit of elbow grease, we'll have the summer to really get things back on track and spring into the next phase - whatever that may be!
she herself recognizes what is happening, and completely agrees. the strain of shifting from fighting a disease (and all that is involved in that battle) to just going about the daily chores is like a ruptured fissure. and the resulting reverberations are tough to weather - i see it daily now in her demeanor. it's not an overt, shout-out-loud at everyone around type of response; rather, it's a slow, simmering preoccupation with moving ahead steadily.
i think that part of this is also attributed to 'mortality' as jane puts it - she has a fear of something happening to her, something finite and irreversible. and that is making her feel vulnerable, which i suppose only makes sense after the last few months. the big 'what if'. but in reality, there's absolutely nothing that we can do about those eventualities - pray? hope for good luck? - so we just move on.
and again, it's not really a sense of pessimism or that all is lost. and ultimately we both feel comfortable that with time and a bit of elbow grease, we'll have the summer to really get things back on track and spring into the next phase - whatever that may be!
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