on second thought ...

despite my best and truest efforts at trying to help jane through her ordeal with breast cancer, it seems as if i have been unsuccessful.

not in jane's ultimate and speedy recovery, rather in my approach to going down this path with her. like most men, i am goal oriented - linear in a certain way. cause and effect. do this and that will happen. so i work alongside jane - not so much 'empathizing' with her, but rather 'challenging' her every step of the way. keep the ball rolling ... kids, dinners, café gitane on sundays, thinking about travel, drinks in the city, etc..

i also 'push' jane - taking her shopping to make her feel better about herself, wig expeditions, jewelry outings on sunday mornings. i push her at work too, challenging her to seek new goals, start more meaningful programs, and cut down on unnecessary administrative tasks. i encourage and cajole her - get involved with susan g. komen, talk to the team on my rwandan project about AIDS and unwanted pregnancy prevention.

it is clear to me that i have pushed too much. there is resistance. jane insists now that i have not been supportive to her, that i've driven her crazy. it's a fine line to walk - seeing someone who is in the throws of something difficult ... do you coddle and share, or do you light a fire underneath them? ultimately, i think it's important to pressure that person not to falter, but to rise up and become inspired, to feel good, to look forward, to take their experience and digest it and help others. in this case, jane would probably seek a different path, one of slow and steady 'reemergence' and going through the motions, rather than zipping into action.

we recently hear hoda kotb of NBC speak and she notes how her experience with breast cancer has set something off within her - that she has the courage, drive, and determination to ask for, in fact demand, what she believes is due her. and how she can use her own experience to support and inspire others.

in my own mind, i am conflicted ... as the recipient of a co-survivor honor from a great organization, do i decline this invitation in light of the fact that the person i have been trying to help feels that i have done exactly the opposite - hindered, rather than assisted in the recovery? something to think about ...

i'd like to thank the academy

press release from the team at susan g. komen for the cure:
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for immediate release

jayne jamison, publisher of seventeen magazine, to be honored as “survivor of the year” at 2008 komen nyc race for the cure®

harley swedler, architect, designer, blogger, father, and husband named “co-survivor of the year”

new york - komen greater new york city will be presenting its annual “survivor of the year” and “co-survivor of the year” awards during the survivor program at the 2008 komen new york city race for the cure on sunday, september 14th at 8:00 am in the ann taylor survivor café on survivor lane (south of the 72nd street transverse and west of the bandshell) in central park. honorees are survivor jayne jamison, seventeen publisher and harley swedler, husband and supporter of breast cancer survivor dr. jane swedler. the survivor award will be presented by cynthia nixon - race grand marshal, komen ambassador, breast cancer survivor and star of sex & the city: the movie. jill eikenberry and michael tucker, stars of “l.a. law” and off-broadway's new musical “enter laughing”, will present the co-survivor award.

“everyone has been touched by breast cancer - whether personally or through the illness of a family member, friend or colleague. the disease simply knows no boundaries,” said dara p. richardson-heron, MD, komen greater nyc ceo. “as an 11-year breast cancer survivor and daughter of a 20-year breast cancer survivor, i am pleased about our komen greater nyc tradition of honoring a survivor and co-survivor. i am confident that their moving experiences will touch and inspire others.”

jayne jamison has been vice president/publisher of seventeen since 2003. the magazine is #1 on the newsstand and has the largest total audience circulation in its category. prior to seventeen, she was vice president/publisher of redbook. during her tenure, the magazine showed tremendous growth.

jayne, a divorced mother of two, learned she had breast cancer the day the invitations arrived for her wedding to husband edward j. bisno. their story, chronicled in the “vows” column of the new york times, is one of love and hope. the couple decided to proceed with their wedding even as jayne was being treated for the disease.

jayne had surgery and chemotherapy - shaving her head rather than waiting for her hair to fall out - while working at seventeen and planning the wedding.

determined to be a beautiful bride, jayne bought a wig and was professionally made up by a boston makeup artist. in front of 80 guests, the rabbi spoke of their ordeal saying, "there are flames that can bring beauty to even the darkest days. the flames of hope and kindness and love."

today, jayne is happily married and cancer-free. seventeen magazine has been a sponsor of komen greater nyc's teens for the cure event, tickled pink! since its inception in 2005. this past year, jayne and her daughter appeared as models in the fashion show that closes the annual event.

her story is an inspiration to those who suffer with the disease and those who love them.

harley swedler is an architect, designer, blogger and husband of physician jane swedler, who was diagnosed with breast cancer in november 2007.

as a blogger, harley swedler decided the best way to create a semblance of normalcy for his wife, three children and himself after jane was diagnosed with breast cancer was to use the blog to reach out to others. the blog served as a great tool for helping the entire family and close friends stay informed of jane's progress. it also helped everyone work through the emotional process of dealing with jane's diagnosis. it also was a good way to ask for assistance when needed...

harley blogged daily. at first, the entries were pensive and serious. but soon, they became somewhat cheeky and irreverent and included sardonic poetry, absurd limericks and ruminations about how the disease did and did not take over their lives. the blog had a tremendous following, so the family wrote postings so that friends and family could respond. each included a photo - of jane looking ravishing or the kids trying on her wigs - or something off topic about what the swedlers were thinking.

jane swedler elected for prompt and definitive action after her diagnosis, immediately having a double mastectomy, quickly followed by chemotherapy. she has “…fully recovered and then some, without missing a beat,” according to her husband.

harley also volunteers with the american jewish joint distribution committee (JDC), a non-governmental organization. he was in rwanda (with his wife's blessings) on a JDC project two weeks after jane had her surgery. at a JDC conference this spring, he met hala moddelmog, ceo of komen national. as a result, both swedlers have decided to get involved with komen.

as a co-survivor, harley wants to reach out to other men, to help them deal with the disease and its effect on families. he also hopes that the swedlers' offbeat family approach will serve as a model to other families dealing with the challenges of breast cancer.

stars of stage, screen and television will shine for the 2008 komen nyc race for the cure®, which will take place sunday, september 14, 2008 at 9:20 am in central park. breast cancer survivor, komen ambassador and emmy and tony award-winning actress cynthia nixon will serve as race grand marshal. stephen colbert, host of comedy central's the colbert report, and his family will fire off one of the race's three starting guns and tv's own judge judy sheindlin will fire another. broadway and recording star maureen mcgovern will sing the national anthem before the start of the race while supermodel petra nemcova will be on hand to represent ann taylor during the survivor program in the ann taylor survivor café in central park. finally, emmy rossum, christine in the movie version of phantom of the opera and now of komen's new pinkitude program, will appear.

decisions, decisions

as we move further and further away from jane's initial diagnosis in the fall of last year, and the ensuing treatments which have restored her good health (and wreaked havoc on our collective mental health!), we gain new perspective.

sometimes, resolve comes in the form of fortitude - battle against 'the enemy' (disease in this case). and sometimes, we endure events in life, either good or bad, which make us take stock of what's around us - what is worthy, and what is not.

and then, the most profound changes of all can come with no thought or consciousness whatsoever. that is most definitely what i am going through now, and in fact, have been going through since april - unwittingly! it has come to my attention, just as a good bout of family harmony often does, that things have changes, at least for me. i can see clearly. there are very few 'gray' areas.

i'm sure that this is directly attributable to the events of the past few months ... decisions seem to be yes or no, this or that, now or later. there is no (never-ending) series of options, as there is not future time to act. the moment is now. the choice is A or B. and nothing seems muddled or murky. it's all clear, and what's even more exciting is, it's all easy.

this seems like a paradox to me, particularly after all of the ruminations i've gone through on the uncertainties of life, old age, chance and happenstance, etc.. after ALL that, to get to a point, with no effort, that affords me clarity in taking action ... well, frankly, it's a gift!

so another day, another series of things to ponder, discuss, deliberate - and here i am. lucky i don't have to pick a running mate too!

boxed lunch

oh my! where has the time gone!?

jared, marlee, and andi have returned from canada (accompanied by copious amounts of laundry - uggghhhh!). they are gorgeous and vibrant, and still mildly to acutely insane, which is to say that we love having them back. despite boiling water for rotini with pesto, hand grating vast amounts of reggiano cheese, thinly slicing fresh mozzarella, baking cakes, clanking dishes, making beds, with a small dose of nagging!

they walk into our bedroom, to find that we have added a couple of pieces of furniture for organization - and they recoil in shock, utter shock, when they see that our closets have not only been cleaned but are seemingly miraculously organized! looking like a poliform print ad!

well, in truth, this summer i have whipped the house into shape. and i realize that, beyond the necessary solstice sweep, there is something deeper happening. truly a need for 'control', mastery over the chaos that has reigned since jane's diagnosis. i methodically get to every corner of the house - eradicating all signs of disarray, creating 'systems', cleaning. our home is (however temporary) a living testament to martha stewart - books aligned by color and size, laundry folded as if it were on display at the gap, papers arranged, cupboards refreshed.

and no more so than in our own cocoon - our bedroom. everything is stowed away in neat boxes, bringing both a sense of uniformity (to the space and to our minds) whilst compartmentalizing each and every article of clothing or object. and i don't really need to make a stretch here ... it is our own response to what's happened. everything 'digested', organized, boxed, shelved, put away.

i suppose that's exactly how we think about, feel about jane's brush with breast cancer ... having passed through this 'experience', it's time to package it up and store it away. it's still (and will continue to be) a big part of our lives, but it's no longer there, front and center - we can see the forest through the trees!

the show must go on!

break a leg! curtain call! encore! the show must go on!

a euphemism for our stretch over the last ten months? well, yes, that show must indeed go on (no exiting stage left allowed - keep the acts flowing!).

on a more theatrical note, we are treated to a great joy saturday evening - marlee playing 'sophie' in the musical mamma mia at summer camp! we hop in the car and drive the obligatory nine million miles, deciding to create a second honeymoon as a gesture to our good nature! a lovely adventure to canada, and then a striking boutique hotel with all of the amenities - champagne upon arrival, a design room with hushed tones, light music wafting through the room, quiet lighting - perfect for our weekend away! charming dinners, a glass of wine, strolling through galleries, and then - the piece de resistance - seeing the kids in their element, looking sunny and fresh and smiling ear to ear! marlee is outstanding, as is the play and all of the players - a real treat!

now back, ready for our last week flying solo. jane - without wigs! they've been retired, and she now is looking lovely and sporty with her short hairdo, which has been heralded as a triumph both emotionally and physically ... she looks great and adorable! she's so happy to be moving forward ... now ready for the susan g. komen race for the cure on 14 september - the next big goal! i too am looking forward to it, and will receive the 'co-survivor' award that day for 'helping' jane through her ordeal! jane laughs hysterically, wondering how she gets breast cancer and i receive an award - which she jokingly insists i don't deserve as i screamed at her the entire time to be engaged, thereby driving her crazy ...

well, the show must go on!!!