despite my best and truest efforts at trying to help jane through her ordeal with breast cancer, it seems as if i have been unsuccessful.
not in jane's ultimate and speedy recovery, rather in my approach to going down this path with her. like most men, i am goal oriented - linear in a certain way. cause and effect. do this and that will happen. so i work alongside jane - not so much 'empathizing' with her, but rather 'challenging' her every step of the way. keep the ball rolling ... kids, dinners, café gitane on sundays, thinking about travel, drinks in the city, etc..
i also 'push' jane - taking her shopping to make her feel better about herself, wig expeditions, jewelry outings on sunday mornings. i push her at work too, challenging her to seek new goals, start more meaningful programs, and cut down on unnecessary administrative tasks. i encourage and cajole her - get involved with susan g. komen, talk to the team on my rwandan project about AIDS and unwanted pregnancy prevention.
it is clear to me that i have pushed too much. there is resistance. jane insists now that i have not been supportive to her, that i've driven her crazy. it's a fine line to walk - seeing someone who is in the throws of something difficult ... do you coddle and share, or do you light a fire underneath them? ultimately, i think it's important to pressure that person not to falter, but to rise up and become inspired, to feel good, to look forward, to take their experience and digest it and help others. in this case, jane would probably seek a different path, one of slow and steady 'reemergence' and going through the motions, rather than zipping into action.
we recently hear hoda kotb of NBC speak and she notes how her experience with breast cancer has set something off within her - that she has the courage, drive, and determination to ask for, in fact demand, what she believes is due her. and how she can use her own experience to support and inspire others.
in my own mind, i am conflicted ... as the recipient of a co-survivor honor from a great organization, do i decline this invitation in light of the fact that the person i have been trying to help feels that i have done exactly the opposite - hindered, rather than assisted in the recovery? something to think about ...
not in jane's ultimate and speedy recovery, rather in my approach to going down this path with her. like most men, i am goal oriented - linear in a certain way. cause and effect. do this and that will happen. so i work alongside jane - not so much 'empathizing' with her, but rather 'challenging' her every step of the way. keep the ball rolling ... kids, dinners, café gitane on sundays, thinking about travel, drinks in the city, etc..
i also 'push' jane - taking her shopping to make her feel better about herself, wig expeditions, jewelry outings on sunday mornings. i push her at work too, challenging her to seek new goals, start more meaningful programs, and cut down on unnecessary administrative tasks. i encourage and cajole her - get involved with susan g. komen, talk to the team on my rwandan project about AIDS and unwanted pregnancy prevention.
it is clear to me that i have pushed too much. there is resistance. jane insists now that i have not been supportive to her, that i've driven her crazy. it's a fine line to walk - seeing someone who is in the throws of something difficult ... do you coddle and share, or do you light a fire underneath them? ultimately, i think it's important to pressure that person not to falter, but to rise up and become inspired, to feel good, to look forward, to take their experience and digest it and help others. in this case, jane would probably seek a different path, one of slow and steady 'reemergence' and going through the motions, rather than zipping into action.
we recently hear hoda kotb of NBC speak and she notes how her experience with breast cancer has set something off within her - that she has the courage, drive, and determination to ask for, in fact demand, what she believes is due her. and how she can use her own experience to support and inspire others.
in my own mind, i am conflicted ... as the recipient of a co-survivor honor from a great organization, do i decline this invitation in light of the fact that the person i have been trying to help feels that i have done exactly the opposite - hindered, rather than assisted in the recovery? something to think about ...
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