on dating ...

i remark to a wise (but not old!) friend the other morning that jane and i have fallen into a curious new routine - at least for us, considering that we are customarily social butterflies in the summer months. and certainly a bit odd, considering events of the past year.

throughout jane's journey through her encounter with breast cancer, we stay in touch with everyone - via blog, phone calls, lots of visits, friday night dinners, saturdays with friends, sundays in the city. being plugged in not only is helpful to the kids, but we really believe that it helps in the healing process. those times - and there were only a few of them - when either jane or i weren't up to be around people, we push ourselves and remain engaged. so 'looking back', even after this short interval since all treatments are completed, we see a picture of continuity ... we move through the experience without missing a beat.

so one would think that there is a huge sigh of relief (there is), and as the kids ship off to canada for another rowdy camp period, we should(?) be whooping it up every night - dinner parties, large gatherings of friends, weekends away - right?

well, in fact the opposite has seemed to happen. we seem to be a bit 'unplugged' ... not exactly sequestered, and surely our brand of low-key socializing would perhaps strike others as full steam ahead. but it does seem, to us at least, that we've quieted down and that this summer is full of calm and introspection. we work during the day, and sometimes into early evening; i organize the house after a year of chaos; then we find our way downtown for a glass of wine in nolita.

i mention this to my friend, and she looks at me askew. "you're dating", she says. "you're dating your wife"! ahhhhh!!! it's like a light bulb has gone off. yes, that's it. we're dating - it's oddly like twenty years ago. we do our own separate thing during the day, convene at 6 or 7 pm, have a light salad and catch up on events (with nary a responsibility in sight), then spontaneously head into the city at the hour that we would normally be turning in from exhaustion.

it's quite exhilarating and fun, this dating thing!

the reign of jane fall's mainly in the plain

the new times, rwanda

breast cancer patients have renewed hopes after king faisal hospital in kigali secured a high-tech machine to help doctors detect the disease. the mammography machine, which uses x-ray images of the affected breast, helps physicians to detect and evaluate breast cancer at an early stage. it is part of the newly procured medical apparatus from a $12 million grant, which saudi arabia offered to king faisal hospital. the grant extended which had been promised last year is meant for expansion and stocking of the hospital with modern equipment to upgrade into a referral hospital. dr. etienne uwimana, the head of radiology department, said: “breast cancer among african women has been there but lack of medical equipment for physicians to detect it remains a major stumbling block.” he said the new gadget will complement the already existing cancer detecting technology using an echography device which relies on ultra-sound waves.

this story, taken from an august 2007 article which appears in rwanda's largest daily newspaper, highlights the discrepancy between developing and developed countries when it comes to the early detection of breast cancer. incredibly, diagnostic tools that we take for granted in the united states are just now filtering into other places around the world, creating further imbalance between rich and poor. the unequal access to quality medical care places an undue burden on those who can least afford it (not that anyone is well equipped to deal with an unfortunate diagnosis). but in countries like rwanda, a woman who is suffering with breast cancer presumably has many children at home, a lack of funds to deal with the health crisis (and resulting chaos in the family), and is far removed from any treatment center, no matter how rudimentary it may be. [in the countryside of rwanda, a person is considered well off if they own a bicycle, explaining the constant stream of people walking along the side of the road at any given moment].

it's easy to complain about the systems we have in place in the west - a strange agglomeration of layers, as seen here in the u.s. (with it's own inequities), or the more homogeneous socialized methods of canada and the united kingdom. but in most cases, the equipment and skilled professionals are around in some format ... whether or not the populace is able to access them in a timely matter is another issue.

and while we take it for granted that imbibing a glass of red wine a day, or eating our fiber, or running on a treadmill for 30 minutes will help us stay healthier and last a bit longer, in reality we are just 'tweaking'. in developing nations, they don't have the luxury of taking three daily meals for granted, nor can they rely on enforced codes of physical exercise to improve their lot. their conditions, their lives, are seemingly completely dependent on things that they have no control over ... it must be an incredible leap of faith just to face a new day.

better than milk!

there is a drug that is used to reduce the effects of cancer treatment by helping to slow or arrest bone loss. the drug, called zometa, has recently been found to have additional benefits for women diagnosed with early stage breast cancer, and who are premenopausal. this is precisely jane's situation, so it's very interesting and exciting news - when she goes for her next oncological follow up in a couple of weeks, she will ask her physician about the applicability of this to her own setup.

the previously unknown benefit of taking this drug is it's ability to lower the risk of recurrence in this group of cancer patients by 35% - a huge and welcome margin. the study that unveiled this connection indicates that women who are on tamoxifen (which is what jane takes daily - it is a hormone suppression drug) can potentially reap this added boost when it is taken in combination with their current daily regimen. although the control group does not include women who have had chemotherapy also, as jane has had, it seems as if the other factors do indeed match where she's at.

it really is fantastic how research, and sometimes pure serendipity, yield such good news. packed together with another benefit - staving off bone loss, with no known side effects - the addition of zometa to cancer treatment means that there are increased chances for a healthy, long life - bravo!

mental

by anne harding - new york (reuters health)

whether a man is recovering from cancer or helping his spouse to deal with cancer, how his wife is coping emotionally will play a key role in his physical health, a new american cancer society (acs)-funded study shows.

"regardless of your status as a caregiver or a cancer patient, gender matters," the study's first author, dr. youngmee kim of the acs's behavioral research center in atlanta, told reuters health.

while health professionals treating cancer patients are increasingly recognizing the importance of emotional health, kim added, less attention has been paid to how the emotional health of a patient's spouse might affect his or her quality of life. to investigate, she and her colleagues looked at 168 married couples. one member of each pair had been diagnosed with prostate or breast cancer roughly two years before joining the study.

the cancer patient's own level of psychological stress was the most important factor in determining his or her quality of life, the researchers found.

overall, patients and their spouses tended to have similar levels of emotional distress, and the level of emotional distress a partner had didn't independently influence his or her spouse's distress levels.

however, the researchers did find that the emotional stress level of breast cancer survivors was related to the physical health of their spouse, and the degree of emotional stress experienced by the wives of prostate cancer survivors influenced their husbands' physical health.

"although these two partner effects may seem disparate, they are actually very similar in that they both show that the woman's psychological distress (as either survivors or caregivers) was negatively related to her husband's physical health," kim and her colleagues write in the annals of behavioral medicine.

women's psychological distress is a stressor for men, she noted in an interview. while men may not to feel this stress psychologically, they will feel it in their bodies, for example as backaches or headaches -- a phenomenon known as somatization.

women tend to have friends beyond their husband, whom they can rely on for emotional help, but a man's spouse may be his sole emotional resource. "if their wives are psychologically distressed, that means their wives are not emotionally available," she added.

the findings show, kim said, that while the focus of cancer care is expanding to include the whole person, not just his or her disease, it should expand further. "we need to deal with the whole family, beyond the whole person."

breast biopsy in bosnia

today i am exposed to something new and interesting. joint distribution committee (JDC), in concert with susan g. komen for the cure, is running a program for breast cancer awareness, screening, advocacy, and treatment in bosnia and herzegovina. this pilot project is having great success in changing existing attitudes and stigmas surrounding this disease, while targeting the government with the aim of forcing more accessible and universal help in this arena. prior to this initiative, which is being replicated in other areas (former soviet union), women who underwent mastectomy were eligible for one, yes ONE, implant (not two!) ... and that is if they were able to secure an early diagnosis, and get treatment, and survive the disease!

it is incredible to hear from the leadership of susan g. komen. this amazing organization runs a tight ship, relying on professional staff, passion, and grass roots efforts to fight (and end) breast cancer. the global ambassador for this battle is hadassah lieberman, the partner of joe lieberman. today she speaks frankly and eloquently to a small focus group during lunch - she is moved to be addressing JDC, as her parents survived the holocaust and were themselves recipients of JDC aid. she speaks thoughtfully of coming full circle, back to what her parents called 'the joint' - and how touched she is to be at this gathering. she is an excellent spokesperson for this cause, and hala moddelmog likewise moves people with her candid and wise speech. both of these inspiring women congratulate me on my efforts on behalf of the orphans in rwanda, and i am truly humbled, feeling as though i am 'a baby' relative to their ongoing accomplishments. we discuss possibilities for further partnership, and this is something that jane and i feel a synergy for ... we'd love further our work with JDC and also tie it back to susan g. komen for the cure.

as an aside, many people attending the meetings of the past two days are enthralled with the project in rwanda. the parallels between the genocidal fate of this african nation, and the holocaust suffered by jews, gypsies, homosexuals, intellectuals, and the righteous, is not lost on anyone. it is critical, as jews, as victims, to further secure and protect and harbor and eradicate and rally against evil manifesting itself. we, more than any other group, must stand up for what is morally correct, and have an obligation to give of ourselves when things run amok (as they most often due with human nature). additionally, there are similarities between the state of rwanda and the state of israel - both tiny, both young, both building up from ashes. today, paul kagame, the president of this minuscule east african nation, celebrates the 60th anniversary of israel's independence in jerusalem - amazing!

so, a new chapter begins. i am not certain how it will come to be, but jane and i have swung onto a new vine. just at the moment, the instant, when she is healed and back to herself, when we have had the opportunity to regroup as a family, reconnect with our former lives, we have a new cause to champion and be a part of. we're ready for this, and feel blessed that it has come into our lives at just the right time!

surely you can't be serious!

yes, i am, and don't call me shirley!

today is 31 march, shirley jones' birthday. you may know her better as shirley partridge, the painted-bus-driving-velvet-pantsuit-kvetching mother of partridge family fame. ahhh, a simpler time ... david cassidy at the kissing booth, laurie's braces picking up npr, reuben kincaid and the sandwich that is named after him (j.k.) ... childhood, youth, vim, and vigor!

alas, now we sit with reading glasses perched on the rim of our noses, in bed at an untimely 9:30 pm whilst children watch hockey games, re-read a series of unfortunate events, and arrange sleeping arrangements in camp cabins with friends online. cancer is loosening it's grip and jane and i are back to quibbling about which continent to visit on our next journey, and whether we should err on the side of history, or pure hedonism. can't we do both?

one year ago, we find ourselves frantically thinking about preparing for marlee's upcoming bat mitzvah - which follows on the heels of jared's bar mitzvah one year earlier (which is preceded by a journey through the indian sub-continent and followed by a visit to amsterdam, a dream sequence in marrakech, and macarons in paris). thinking about being the operative words, and vowing that 'when it's all over' we will take it easy, not make plans, just go with the flow. then rwanda pops up, paris (again) too, and finally breast cancer rears it's ugly head. so much for taking it easy.

so now it is our time. to really put our noses to the grindstone, work, do the daily thing, and not focus on what's coming down the pike. put college (rightly) out of our heads. and just move forward, one step at a time.

so, happy birthday shirley! blow out the candles, and enjoy the moment!!! we think we love you!

yes we CAN, sir

in researching the words CAN and SIR for today's entry, i came across a couple of interesting things related to the topic.

the word CAN, which is an acronym for many different things (controller area network, or climate action network) is also the end of obama's tag line 'yes we can'. there is an interesting video circulating on youtube delivering this message musically - some of you may have already seen it, but if you haven't it worth a look [click here to see it]. i saw it initially about six weeks ago, and it is quite nice.

the word SIR has it's origins in other places, although it too has many other uses (studio instrument rentals, southwestern international raceway, or society of interventional radiology). it is derived from the french honorific title sire (messire gives 'mylord'), from the old french sieur (itself a contraction of seigneur meaning 'lord'), from the latin adjective senior (elder), which yields titles of respect in many european languages. the form sir enters english in 1297, as title of honor of a knight, being a variant of sire [which has been used in English since 1205 as a title placed before a name and denoting knighthood, and to address the male sovereign since 1225].

so there you have it, today's play on words. CAN-SIR, as in: yes, sir, we can, sir, beat this cancer.

can disease save your life?

i often have strange thoughts roaming around my brain.

today on the drive home from the city, i hear the song 'ironic', which amongst other topics, notes the craziness of taking a flight for the first time and having the plane crash down. simple enough reasoning in a song with this title. and then fear of flying sticks with me, and while i bake a heart shaped puff pastry tarte, i reflect on the lyrics. at this hour, we are to be sweeping across the pacific on a hong kong bound jetliner. we've canceled our tickets to make way for jane's timely treatments and speedy recovery (tomorrow morning is chemo 3 of 4 - almost there!).

and i think - can illness really grab you from the clutches, of, well, 'unfortunate circumstances'?

i'm not a big believer in fate - more like right place, right time, or pure bad luck, etc.. and then ... imagine for a moment (and not that this would be wished upon ANYONE, because it is truly awful), that our adventure to the far east has been annulled ... for the sole reason that jane has been on the road to wellness as a result of her diagnosis ... and that we find out that our flight is ill-fated - well, just doesn't quite make it, and we just happen to not be on board.

and then, one would think "thank g-d jane has contracted this disease - it has saved our lives!".

oh, i know, it's rather sick and dark, and trust me, i don't go around wondering about this all of the time, but it does make one ponder. are there people out there believing that they are blessed, because the results of something that has invaded their bodies (seemingly ominous) has in fact turned out to be their (and their family's) savior?

wishing everyone well, and that all flights make it safely to their destinations!

isn't it ironic? a little too ironic?

monday, monday

a bit of laughter today, along with a dose of silent resignation, a slice of humble pie, and general feeling of keep on movin' on.

jane is back to work today - me too, although the kids are home for veteran's day. crepes, cocoa, cookies - young ones coming and going - and despite being hectic, a welcome distraction and kind of nice. jane speaks to the powers that be at work about logistics, all very supportive and helpful - and as breast cancer rears it's ugly head over and over, no longer shocking to hear the news. sad.

jane is eager to have the surgery right away - of course, we haven't actually BEEN to the surgeon yet, so it's conjecture right now, although all indicators are pointing in that direction. tomorrow is the mri - no metal - that's all we need, for someone to lose an eye during a diagnostic test! oy! i hope to join her at the office for that, although she professes not to need me. having had mri's before, i've try to inform her that it's horrible! being stuck in that tube - open, closed - ugghhh! i've suggested a tranquilizer (for me? her?), although she feigns a lack of claustrophobia (we'll see tomorrow!). her appointment with the surgeon is on wednesday, and we hope to NOT be waiting for hours to see the doctor.

we have not discussed this with the kids yet - we'll wait until we have more definitive answers, at which point i'm certain they will have absolutely NO reaction whatsoever (and will go back to their own bubbles!). fine. everyone else is the issue. well, not issue, really. we have no intention of 'hiding' this from anyone (as if that would be possible) and in order to keep everyone in the loop we will publish this blog. we can do a good bit of advocacy for the cause, and simultaneously keep those who want to check in informed about our progress. jane is horrified at this proposal, but relents when i point out that it will reduce phone tag during recuperation.

so, mint tea, a nice dinner, and an early evening ... everyone is back into the routine tomorrow. a good night's rest is what the doctor calls for -

h

day one

jane has cancer.

it's a funny thing, being a 'grown up'. particularly in our case. friends, many, who have been afflicted with cancer in just the past year. we're not that old - mid forties, all of us, yet there appears to be an epidemic of this disease, in it's many incarnations.

so, when jane comes home at noon today, typical for a friday, instead of having a latté, bathed in sunlight in the living room, she heads straight to our home office to pick up a fax (never get those anymore!). she trudges into the kitchen where i'm preparing shabbat dinner, and as i turn to ask her if she has the results back from her needle biopsy (earlier in the week), i see it on her face.

we sit on the naugahyde sofa, and there it is. "it's cancer". you often hear how those words define life - sort of the 'before' and 'after' - yet here we are, two adults sitting in the home we've built to live our life, raise our family, do our work. jane cries. i sigh. another blow ... another 'thing' to deal with ...

it seems as if we've been talking about cancer constantly for the last year or so. as noted, so many friends have heard these same words - not that there's any solace in numbers - but this is no longer strange or foreign. so now, cancer is here. is it real? of course. no time for self-pity or questioning - we already know that there's no rhyme or reason.

the benefit of having had tragedy in our lives - the loss of my sister ina, for example - is that it bursts the bubble - we're not invicible. we've witnessed really sad, bad moments. and we often note, with much eye-rolling and a dose of sarcasm, how crappy life can be. to be sure, you can only truly recognize that if you understand the flip side (how fantastic a latté in the sunlight can be). so, this is definitely crappy. scary. unwelcome. bad timing. but we'll deal with it.

i go back to prepping for dinner - guests are coming (jane will have no part of canceling the evening), and we move in silence. jane is on the computer, researching dcis low grade multi-focal breast cancer. i'm finishing off desserts and finally getting the lattés ready for us - we need to have those before the kids descend. jane has already spoken with her trusted doctor, and she's set up appointments for an mri early next week, and a surgeon too. within an hour, she has resolved to have a double mastectomy by this time next week. we drink our coffees, jane in utter shock, me much less so.

i'm not getting ahead of myself. although i'm not in jane's skin, i need to make sure we go slow and steady. no freaking out, no mass hysteria. we have nothing to hide, but until we see the surgeon on wednesday, not a word to the kids, our parents, friends (who we know will be infinitely helpful). slow and steady. jane researches on the computer all afternoon, i cook, the kids come home, and life is changed and back to normal at the same time. a single hour can rock your world.

jane is really nervous, even frantic ... it's plain to see. she's a smart woman though, and we'll get through this somehow.

we have a lovely time friday night, a relaxed and casual evening with friends - an oscar winning performance or are we really that jaded, or is it the wine? maybe a combination, but we manage to laugh, smile, eat, and enjoy. post-guest cleanup brings a bit of a drop in our levels - it's been a long day. more to follow.

h