those canadian girls

it may not be a well know fact, but pamela anderson is a home grown canuck! she was born and raised in british columbia in western canada. a fact more widely known is the enhanced voluptuousness of this young mountie!

another canadian girl undergoes a similar procedure today - but for completely different reasons (and hopefully with completely different, less obvious results!). when we arrive for the operation earlier this morning, they quiz jane. "would you like steroids?", or not. "would you like to be intibated?", or not. [i'm not even sure what that one means!]. "gel or saline?". "small, medium, large?". well, what's a girl to do. and of course, at that point it hits me - why she has been somewhat resistant to doing this step. it's been a lot of decisions, a lot of process, and i suppose that she just wants it all to be done. jane is comforted by the fact that the anaesthesiologist, who is patient and knowledgeable, has just gone through mastectomy and chemo herself (last year) - so she truly knows what the emotions and physical ramifications are.

jane is doing tremendously well after surgery - the team at winthrop has been fantastic, as has dr. 'goldfinger' as jane comes to call him in the early days. he nips, he tucks, he even fixes an errant earlobe, and voila! she's out in no time flat, feeling well but groggy in recovery, and before you know it, they send her on her way! a quick visit by hadas rounds out the event, then home she is, lying down and recuperating, happy to have passed through this phase.

on the other side of the afternoon, we both seem relieved. it's a good thing. another link in the chain, another step towards recovery.

pret a porter

would you believe, it's the car in the shop -
the mini again, oh when will it stop?
we called up vw, said 'one beetle please',
the cooper has really brought us to our knees!

first it caused cancer, of that we are sure,
now motors for wiper blades, that is the cure -
so goodbye dear bad luck charm, hope that we're through,
and with a volkswagen all that's old will be new ...

jane is okay, and feeling quite well,
she's eager for next week, of that i can tell -
for chemo to finish, and be on her way ...
she's definitely looking beyond that friday -

out at the theater with marlee and friends,
a girls night passes, then home in a benz,
legally blonde tonight, and then another,
on saturday with more young gals (and no brothers)

so the boys, we are left to fend for ourselves,
out to a french bistro with wine on the shelves -
some frisée and frites, and good mustard too,
some lamb for dear andi, that cost thirty-two!

we laugh and we chat, while the ladies do play,
and then onto rite-aid for snacks, by the way,
we boys cozied up, all lying on one bed,
to watch bourne identity (all characters - dead!)

jane sees that i am slowing going insane,
and says to me 'why don't you get on a plane'
to paris, you'll go - you could leave tomorrow,
and then you will not be feeling all full of sorrow -

i think about it, make myself well - by the seine,
and then i think about the plan once again,
with air france there's flights, as that's there forté,
too bad that this weekend's the pret a porter ...

not a room to be had, a pity for sure,
so i guess i'll stay home and help with the cure,
a trip we will take, perhaps in the summer,
when we feel as if we're not deep in a bummer

to addis ababa? ethiopian jews?
or cairo and luxor, to see ancient views?
a drive deep in napa, or marfa's artworks,
perhaps back to istanbul, visiting turks!

so good night, my dear friend,
we're nearing the end -
we wish you our best,
and please, get some rest!

shakespeare in love

valium, o' valium - wherefore art thou?

whether 'tis nobler in the mind, to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune (well, you get the picture) ...

cabin fever - walls closing in - life upside down - mayhem - run for the hills ... not quite, actually, just a mini-sense of confinement and temporary insanity. jane is tired but actually okay, just in time for next friday's final dose (insidious clear deadly liquid otherwise known as chemo). whatever will we order from netflix for the big event. it's been a long path; somehow the yellow brick road is losing it's luster! but we go on, life goes on, it's all just a bit much ...

the kids - doing great, doing their thing, being teens and almost-teens. actually quite pleasant of late, surely a result of their status as official loafers for the past ten days. it's seems as if it's ratcheted down the frenzy, which is good! tomorrow i will enjoy the boys in the evening, while jane and marlee get treated (thanks donna & sarah!) to a wonderful evening out in the city ... dinner, then a broadway show (legally blonde) - lucky them, girls night out in nyc! [how will jane stay awake past 9 - i know i sure can't!].

in the meantime, dreaming of paris and a walk along the seine ...

can disease save your life?

i often have strange thoughts roaming around my brain.

today on the drive home from the city, i hear the song 'ironic', which amongst other topics, notes the craziness of taking a flight for the first time and having the plane crash down. simple enough reasoning in a song with this title. and then fear of flying sticks with me, and while i bake a heart shaped puff pastry tarte, i reflect on the lyrics. at this hour, we are to be sweeping across the pacific on a hong kong bound jetliner. we've canceled our tickets to make way for jane's timely treatments and speedy recovery (tomorrow morning is chemo 3 of 4 - almost there!).

and i think - can illness really grab you from the clutches, of, well, 'unfortunate circumstances'?

i'm not a big believer in fate - more like right place, right time, or pure bad luck, etc.. and then ... imagine for a moment (and not that this would be wished upon ANYONE, because it is truly awful), that our adventure to the far east has been annulled ... for the sole reason that jane has been on the road to wellness as a result of her diagnosis ... and that we find out that our flight is ill-fated - well, just doesn't quite make it, and we just happen to not be on board.

and then, one would think "thank g-d jane has contracted this disease - it has saved our lives!".

oh, i know, it's rather sick and dark, and trust me, i don't go around wondering about this all of the time, but it does make one ponder. are there people out there believing that they are blessed, because the results of something that has invaded their bodies (seemingly ominous) has in fact turned out to be their (and their family's) savior?

wishing everyone well, and that all flights make it safely to their destinations!

isn't it ironic? a little too ironic?

assassination of gandhi

my dear friends. have you ever had a curry in a hurry? delhi belly? rajasthani biryani?

tonight, we continue the wednesday evening tradition of family night out - a time to chat, relax - sort of a mid-week pick-me-up if you will. early on in the school year, we realize that this is the night where we are all open at an early hour, and that we can sneak into the city for a dose of life, maybe a book-reading, and some noodles. we hold steady to this routine, until jared becomes a wrestler (yes, i agree).

now that the 'sport' is finished, we've reinstituted the evening out. but instead of the lower east side, we contemplate suburban hicksville on this rainy evening. jane needs a hit of full on flavor, and is craving indian - and this area is known to have the best. but instead of house of dosas, a regular spot, she researches, she emails, she investigates, and comes upon another establishment, even going so far as to chat up the owner.

hmmm ... there's something fishy in kerala. or in goa. this place is horrendous! the decor, tacky, but not in a wallpaper sort of way. the proprietors - well, jewish mothers seem positively aloof compared to the invasive hovering at our table. cleanliness - forget about it! katz's deli looks mr. clean sparkling compared to this eatery. and the food. gives new meaning to the term rubber chicken dinner. clumped rice. twice dead lamb. chicken biryani? chicken biry-accchhh-i!

does not bring forth fond memories of dining under the stars at devi garh some two years ago (exactly) ... a brilliant setting, twinkling lights from both the village below and the stars above. no, this place is positively awful!

i actually totally lose my cool, scream at jane who is going to have chemo in two days! this is NOT my idea of a family evening out, and i'm amazed that we're not all stuck in the loo on the verge of collapse! the bill - $150 (for garbage). so after berating jane for insisting on trying this spot, i do something that neither of us have ever thought of doing in our wildest dreams. i have her call the restaurant and tell them that the food was absolutely inedible. they hastily offer to not put the charge through on the credit card - an equitable resolution although i think they still owe us for pain and suffering!

the rest of the day ... hmmm. we actually see a doctor! i'm used to getting news of some sorts on an hourly basis these days - but nothing for weeks now! so we make it to the surgeon to discuss the progress of healing, what happens next, and getting jane's torn earlobe fixed (don't ask). it's all good, and we even have room for dessert - consisting of bumping into a close friend coming in as we are going out (lovefest as breasts are compared in the office bathroom). again, don't ask.

that is the only dessert to be had - don't venture down the road of poisonous mango ice cream tonight ... hope we live to tell the tale! capped off by andi asking for a billion homemade valentine heart shaped shortbread cookies with red and white icing, for class tomorrow ... sweet!

all misty eyed

there's a gorilla in our midst - an 800 pound gorilla for that matter! we just walk gingerly around it - moving to and fro as if it's not there. seems to work somehow ...

so all of this chemo has taken over jane body and mind (but not her spirit!) - she really can't remember things, feels a bit puffy, more tired than usual, etc.. basically, it totally sucks! and i am utterly intolerant and impatient when she forgets these small details, so i've come to the conclusion that i am a horrible caregiver, and by extension, a horrible person! the kids - well, they just make fun of her to add more levity (and misery!) to the whole process ... quel horreur!

another day slips by ... school conferences for marlee (great!), which brings a smile to our faces. election results do the same, and as previously noted we are both happy with either democratic candidate, so that's all good. and to further keep the train moving, i suggest we return to wednesday night dinners in the city as a family ... but by the time that rolls around, jane is feeling sore and tired. we opt for sushi out here, and stocking the house with groceries (forcing the kids into unwelcome, and in their opinion, unwarranted child labor!).

we round out the evening with rootbeer and our netflix copy of gorillas in the mist - the story of dian fossey in rwanda. very inspiring and frightening at the same time ... this lone ranger who almost singlehandedly stopped the extinction of the african mountain gorilla, while suffering through their horrific slaughter and her own eventual demise. incredible, as today it is possible to venture into virunga national park, just two hours from kigali, and be up close with these amazing souls.

no gorillas for jane until a week from friday, so we're just focusing on staying in our groove until then - eating well, friends, exercise, and life!

it's the chemo, stupid!

so, tomorrow looms super tuesday!

we may not know who we're voting for yet - an odd place to be in pre-election day. but as they say, it's the economy, stupid! [it's the war, stupid too!].

but over here in our neck of the woods, it's the chemo, stupid! yep, it's all about the chemo. jane has done great with her treatments - halfway there. but this whole regimen has taken it's toll, even if all is running smoothly on the surface. although jane has felt much better this second round, it's tiring, and definitely takes over. anything that can kill all of your hair follicles, make you all bumpy and lumpy, and turn your body inside out has GOT to be potent.

somehow, double mastectomy seems quite tame compared to all of this. and despite jane's good spirits, and our belief that she will be 100% fine after all is said and done, this is not fun! the most perplexing thing is that jane really does look great. but she's a bit out of it - missing bits i say (well, maybe that's intentional), not her usual 'quick' self. she's doing her thing though - work, kids, the house, all despite my protests! to no avail ... and the husband rarely prevails.

i don't know about her, but i also feel out of it, full of aches and pains, and putting on pounds daily! i think they call that sympathy chemo! ugggghhhhh! super tuesday indeed ...

common things

in november 2006, alexander litvinenko was poisoned at a sushi lounge frequented by our very own family. he took ill, and in a famous and well circulated photograph, he is pictured at his hospital bed, a shadow of his former healthy and vigorous image.

it is believed that mr. litvinenko, a former russian kgb agent, fell victim to the very agency to which he once pledged allegiance. after implicating his own superiors in the planned murder of a prominent russian citizen, he was confined, later fleeing to britain (where he was granted political asylum). his public attack on the motherland surely prompted the vengeful retribution that lead to a dose of polonium 210. not to mention the creation of huge nervous tension culminating in the closure of said sushi lounge, and the discovery of the ominous material on aircraft flying between london and moscow.

mr. litvinenko was a staunch opponent of the ongoing war in chechnya.

in addition to a shared hairline resulting from an unwanted dose, jane is also in the throws of a different sort of poisoning, which will ultimately have quite a diametrically opposed effect than that received by the aforementioned spy-turned-activist. and similar to alexander, jane too fled her homeland, albeit without the espionage credentials, to find safe haven in far off lands (hence the numerous passports!).

incidentally, and most probably quite obviously, she too is a staunch opponent of an ongoing war.

need i say more?

h

testing: one, two, three

ahhh, the good ol' BRCA test rears it's ugly head!

most people who take this test, which determines if the subject has a genetic mutation which may potentially lead to breast cancer, are either positive or negative. jane, however, is neither - an anomaly rarely seen, or at least her 'version' is rarely seen. it has only been documented in one other family - and as previously noted, was not an indicator either way for possible cause of cancer. additionally, this diagnostic tool can inform oncologists post-surgery and treatment - do ovaries require removal, as the mutated gene is also an indicator for ovarian cancer. if said bits and pieces are taken out, menopause ensues, along with all of the complications brought on by an immediate 'life change' as opposed to a gradual subsidence of fertility!

so we look to this test, and it's strangely and very uncharacteristically inconclusive ... ugggghhhh! jane is forced to have her parents tested in canada - if they carry this same mutation, and are healthy (ie. cancer free) then this odd situation means nothing - and jane can sit tight. so, test kits go fedex, and are held up at canadian customs, and jane screams, and the bloods are drawn, and the kits fedexed back, and are held up at u.s. customs, and jane screams, and the tests go to the lab.

and they come back showing that jane's mother, who has never had cancer, also has this seemingly innocuous mutation only known in one other family. so that's good news for the BRCA burkah test! we think no more impending surgeries, female mutilation, or other unspeakable acts which tend to drive us insane. but who knows, we'll see what the doctors say!

round two of chemo lurks on friday, we're armed with netflix dvd's, bald heads, and clear minds. dinner will arrive courtesy of noushin, laleh, sheila, and gang - sparing me the indignity of struggling to throw something together in my distracted state. a weekend of forced rest is assured - maybe i'll organize the taxes (the pain of it all!) and make productive use of the time while jane (hopefully) slumbers and finds her equilibrium.

stay tuned!

finding chemo

it's no child's play ...

today i take a 'day off' and spend a pleasant afternoon by lake kivu just outside of goma, democratic republic of congo ... as i enter my reposed state of being, i am happy to see that jane is calling - we have spoken a bit earlier, and she has not had any 'news' regarding her testing.

when we speak later in the afternoon, african time, it is to discuss some of the results that she has received: the initial 'oncotype' test that we were waiting on has just come back, indicating a 'mid level' reading. so, jane falls into a gray area for possible recurrence (in other words, a 5 to 10% chance above normal for cancer to reemerge). she sounds good, although obviously disappointed that she has not be read at the lower level, which would have ruled out chemotherapy as a treatment.

we will now await the other oncotype test, and the BRCA test to come back, and will determine at that time whether to proceed with chemo, as it seems we will do.

jane is strong, prepared, and in good spirits, and despite feeling a bit deflated by the news, is still obviously delighted to be free of the lesions she had before surgery. the goal is to continue to keep her well and strong ...

she has a ton of love and support, and will do amazing, whichever route she must follow!

h