equilibrium

as jane mends, quite well actually, and SO much quicker with this land round of chemo, i believe that we are mentally assessing, adjusting to, and recovering from this experience. which does not mean to imply that it is definitively over, but we have crossed through a major barrier.

i would say that we are having growing pains. our reality has shifted, coinciding with teenagers growing up in the house, our desire to propel ourselves further in our work, and opening up our lives to a broader world. the impending election, impending over-fifty, impending empty nest ... all things coming up on the horizon. of course, not immediately, but the next wave in a certain sense.

and we really aren't there yet. the past six months have been focused on the moment, and really not too much beyond that. so as we shed this 'skin' we need to find a way to cope with what's next. really, in some ways this has been the toughest thing to go to ... when one is preoccupied with the present, it's strange to regroup and think about the mid and long term again.

ironically, as we are now more 'in the clear', our lives seem heavier, more serious, more tense. perhaps it's just clearing up from the last little while - we have been throwing out everything that's not nailed down. and certainly, the huge effort involved in keeping all the pieces moving since november - regular work, the kids' schedules, dinner on the table, a normal social life - has also taken it's toll. so instead of lightness and gaiety, we're experiencing something more somber. and remarkably, this is uncharacteristic, as we rarely have such issues with transitions ...

thankfully, everyone has 'hung in there' with us, maintaining contact as usual, because i could see how it would be feasible for us to shut ourselves off. not on purpose or for any particular reason, but simply because we're in this mode of confusion and construction. gearing up for life as usual does not seem to be so easy or as smooth of a transition as what we had imagined or hoped for ...