what a difference ... a day makes?

today has just been one of those days ... well, not one of those days; no, just a nice day. today, the stars align, and our three children are totally normal! perhaps motivated by really solid grades in school (yesterday report cards show up en masse), or jared's new gym membership, or getting back into the routine - well, heck, whatever it is, we like it! we really like it!

everyone is pleasant - no major physical alterations leading to hours in the emergency room. no twisted and manipulative mind games, rendering one of the three kids feeling completed obliterated by the other two. no spills in the kitchen, no resistance about what to wear, or unloading the dishwasher, or helping with laundry, or doing the recycling. nope, none of that. everyone is wearing a smile, feeling peppy and nice! yes, i said it - we do need this to be recorded for posterity.

jared and marlee hug each other when they get home from school. andi is bubbling with excitement about winning a 'homework pass lottery' in class. they set the table for dinner! they eat a balanced dinner with napkins in their laps ... and help clean up too! wow! are we dreaming?

perhaps going away for a bit, resetting everyone's clocks, and having a break from the routine really HAS worked wonders ... i know it's been great for jane and i! an added bonus: jane's hair is returning! i happen to catch robin roberts of good morning america on tv yesterday morning, who has also just finished up treatment for breast cancer ... she is on screen au naturel - no wig to cover her new, short mane ... and she looks great! i phone jane immediately, who agrees ... she'll be ready to do the same in a few weeks ++, and she's looking forward to it!

creaky ol' bones

okay. so we're unsaturated. we're whey proteined plus. we're non-smokers. heck, we're barely breathing!!! so what's going on exactly?

everyone around us looks great. youthful complexions, lean and fit; we all stay out of the sun, eat our leafy greens, get eight hours of sleep (when we actually can sleep!). we're not at the office until midnight. we have nice family lives, nice vacations, good friends.

and yet, so many people are in the throws of life-altering surgeries, treatments, processes. the upside is that everyone seems to be making it through this mid-life crises, a little psychologically scarred, but well and kickin'. so is it just that, in addition to diet, exercise, and mental balance, we're also seeing doctors more frequently, getting full body scans, and listening to every creak and ache as if it's our last? and guess what? they're finding stuff!

so, despite all that we do, we have the anniversary of chernobyl behind us. we have good old fashioned american stress! we have over programming, and no safety nets. we have semi-nuclear, non-extended families. and al gore and ed begley junior scolding us for treating the environment so poorly (they're right - and maybe that's the root of all evils!).

i myself will have the opportunity to ponder all of this tomorrow when i go for my regularly scheduled stress test. geez, i hope they don't kick my tires and look under the hood. i kind of feel like they're going to give me one of those stickers that they put on the windshield - good until 65,000 miles, then come back for a tune up! everyone, and i mean everyone, we know has a story. and it's not just about aging parents and the like. it's US ... the forty and fifty year olds. we're not worried about covering our gray hairs ... we've got more pressing issues!

let's keep going, keep rooting for each other! we've all come this far - broken hearts (literally), cancer here there and everywhere, kidney stones, and mystery ailments ... hang in there, we're all still standing, and, with a little help from our friends, we'll be doing so for quite some time!

un grand merci!

thank you!

1. john & hope, for sharing atlanta with us today ... picking us up at hartsfield, showing us the high museum, bringing our families together for a lovely brunch, and memories old and new!
2. robbin & larry, for making time during your visit to the big apple - we loved post-flight passing over passover with you at le pain quotidien, for breaking bread with you (literally!), and for having our kids enjoy each other's company ... so sweet and great to be together again!
3. ro & mitchell - for a fun and enjoyable and relaxing sunday evening conclusion to the chag ... for laughs, great dessert, and great company amongst friends ... very celebratory conclusion to a great week!
4. maria & daniel - for knowing exactly what our family needed for physiological and psychological healing - we feel like new, all of us, thanks to your thoughtfulness and gracious hospitality ... we loved being a part of your 'florida world' this week, and are thankful for your friendship and lovely family!

home sweet home - feeling brand new ... ready to tackle life again (hold the challenges please!) ...

child friendly

ahhh, to kick back and have some time with the kids ... a very nice break from the routine, and from the events of recent months. both jane and i are really, really relaxed, having enjoyed a non-stressful week in south miami, filled with comfort, fine weather, great food, and time. no pressures, no need to get up, get going, or get anywhere quickly or on time.

last evening we enjoy an early and quick dinner - the kids are relieved, not having to 'dress up' in jeans and t-shirts ... ugghhhh! actually, they've been great this week - very funny, very at ease (sleeping until all hours, running around in bathing suits, reading, etc..). there's been no shopping, and miraculously, no tv (despite the availability) ... just outdoor time together, quite heavenly. fruit, salads, smoothies, obligatory wine (jane and i) - just perfect. lots of laughter (mostly at jane's expense!) too. that girl!

we also catch baby mama, the new flick featuring most of the cast of saturday night live. the theater is filled to the brim with 15 year olds, and our own teens are delighted at the prospect. what i find more interesting is that, despite their independent natures, they are still happy to go to the movies with us on a friday night (and not feel horrified at the prospect!). it's kind of nice that we can all share a few common interests at this point in their lives.

vacation draws to a close on sunday ... a stop in atlanta to see john and hope and gang, then into nyc to see robbin and larry, then home for a chametz dessert with ro and mitch - long but fun day!

ode to florida: good times

today we celebrate jared's 15th birthday ... can time really fly that quickly? happy birthday jared! happy birthday arnie! happy birthday josh! a lovely, sunny day at south beach, followed by a fabulous celebratory meal at michy's! mmmmmmm ...

can it be true? has florida actually brought about good times? the unfaltering weather, the relaxed pace, the fresh and piquant food - all sublime, coupled with the most comfortable and lovely surroundings ... healing? yes! peace? most definitely!

what about that other florida?

florida evans, the all-nurturing, stern and loving mother of the tv show good times. or perhaps we should call it simpler times. back in the day, the most violent and gruesome thing seen on tv is kojak and his hirsuitically-challenged profile. not today; we have all manner of things being blown up, people being blown away, and every-four letter word known to man on 'the tube'.

florida would have washed j.j.'s mouth out with soap! forget about weezie movin' on up. florida evans understands the value of keeping her kids on the straight and narrow ... away from drugs in the crime-ridden projects of chicago, motivated and in school, family meals, a tempered spouse, and virtuous behavior.

despite her humble beginnings on maude, and her work as a domestic housekeeper, she remains a proud and defiant woman who does not give into the lowest common denominator or the prevailing winds of social pressures. she stands her ground, and defends what she believes in all the way through the series, paving the way for women, the poor, and parents in general. she understands that it's all an uphill battle, and that you have to play two sides: have the big picture goals, and chip away at things day by day.

we could learn so much from florida - this week, feeling like we have!

elixir of life

the fountain of youth is a legendary spring that allegedly restores the youth of anyone who drinks of its waters. it is reputed to be located in florida, and stories of the fountain are some of the most persistent stories associated with this state.

juan ponce de león, the spanish explorer, hears of the fountain from the people of puerto rico when he conquers the island of bimini. dissatisfied with his material wealth, he launches an expedition to locate it, and in the process discovers florida. though he is one of the first europeans to set foot on the american mainland, he never actually locates the fountain of youth.

there are many legends associated with the quest for the restorative powers of waters which can bring about eternal youth, an elusive principal which our society struggles with constantly - both cosmetically as well as physically ... endured good health. ponce de león hears of the fountain and believes in it, although his name is not associated with the legend in writing until after his death.

gonzalo fernandez de oviedo writes in his historia heneral y natural de las indias (1535) that ponce de león searches for the waters of bimini to cure his sexual impotence; others doubt that de león is actually looking for the fabled stream itself when he comes to florida. it is noted that ponce does not specifically mention the fountain in his writings throughout the course of his expedition.

in various accounts, it is stated that local men pay regular visits to the fountain. a frail old man could become so completely restored that he could resume "all manly exercises… take a new wife and beget more children." spaniards unsuccessfully search every babbling brook along the florida coast for the legendary fountain.

the last excursion of ponce de león ends in the vicinity of the modern port charlotte; within a very short distance from the site of his last battle lies warm mineral springs, which has been in use for thousands of years. it is, therefore, conceivable that his last action is an attempt to reach this artesian well, and to ascertain whether, for once and for all, if it is the mysterious elixir of life.

casualty of war!

the battle is won, but the war has been in danger of being lost!

no, no, not faluja or bakuba - but our own little piece of turf! being in miami is teaching us not to be 'heavy' - laden down with the burden of getting well, staying on track, and keeping life moving. jane is well, and we're realizing that we still have a lot of 'weight' (baggage) that we need to jettison!

so, lots of jogging! walking! outdoor dining by the pool! ahhhh, it does feel good - perfect sunshine, a pristine environment, freedom for the kids, and for us too! could this be the page-turner that we are hoping it will be? is it a self-fulfilling prophecy?

yesterday, after a rigorous workout al fresco, we head to the beach for a raucous day of frenzied socializing ... debbie and michael, rona and henry, dani, and a gaggle of kids from toddlers to teens to young adults all relishing the sun, the beach, each other. an endless supply of non-gebrocht food (don't ask!), cabanas, jet-skiing, communal dinner, apartment doors opening and closing ... riotous actually, and quite hysterical! we regale ourselves with morbid tales, making our trivial stories miniscule and inconsequential. we laugh and eat manischewitz chocolate cake out of the foil tin, the wine flows, and the day passes ... so much fun!

we return home zonked and happy, feeling light and airy - a good day, everyone without the weight of the world on their backs. getting back to that place we need to be ...

deadly drip

being removed physically from home base provides us with an opportunity for a little perspective.

i am seriously questioning whether jane's decision to undergo treatment for chemo was sound. i feel as if it has taken a tremendous toll on her body - fatigue in addition to the other effects - as well as her general spirits. after surgery in november, she was in a far better place ... feeling as if she had been proactive and gone through something positive (well, we can't say 'uplifting' now, can we?). the chemotherapy has had quite the opposite consequence ... it's been a drag, a downer, a black hole which we all must climb out of now.

it is happening, but what i'm seeing is that it's going to take a long, long time to get through this. and not just the physical ramifications. i find jane forgetful and obstinate, and frankly, i am at a total loss in dealing with this ... i'm frustrated and impatient with the patient myself, further adding to the burden.

when calculating chances, as is the practice, what is the critical tipping point? if physicians infer that there is an 8% chance of recurrence, what does that mean when considering a 4% chance of recurrence? do you put aside your life in the present, to take measures for life in the future?

but we go on, enjoying the sunshine (despite on and off rains yesterday), the palms, the quiet, and our temporary abode for the week. eating light, jogging, swimming, all very therapeutic for the mind and the body, which, as noted above, is most welcome and necessary these days!

unlocked locks

not necessarily headline news, but jane's hair is starting to grow back! as she sits by the pool yesterday, basking in the morning sun, i sunscreen her scalp (to her yelps and protests!) ... now she knows what i feel like! but plain as day, her hair is coming in - another step on the road to normalcy. i catch her examining it with a magnifying mirror - is it 50% gray? darker? lighter? wavy? straight? we'll have to wait and see ...

a magnificent day of lounging yesterday - regenerating, the kids playing ball, swimming, just outdoors the entire time ... music playing, light salad for lunch, ahhh - the simple pleasures. the day passes quickly, doing nothing, which is all that we can handle right now so it's perfect.

later on, we get ready for the first night of passover. everyone looks nice, refreshed, and we make our way up to jeff and rochelle. we have a lovely seder with our friends and their family, extended and immediate, and enjoy a delicious meal with great company ... we're back home by midnight (way past my bedtime!) ... ready for another open day!

mon ami; my ami; mi ami; my friend

if jane and i were to recount the good deeds done on our behalf over the last five months, we'd have a laundry list par excellence. beyond flowers after surgery, heartfelt notes of encouragement, shabbat dinners, pickups, dropoffs, and people checking in, there has been so much love sent our way! it's quite impossible to annotate how critical all of this has been to the healing process, and how happy (and lucky) we've been in the friendship circles we're a part of.

old friends from camp, new friends made from the kids, family, friends of friends, and everything in between. and although some shy away from the 'spotlight' during times of trouble, we decide early on to be 'out there' and just let it all wash over us ... i mean, life is messy to begin with, so what's the point of cocooning anyways? and we're certainly glad we choose this route, as we frankly conclude that there is NO way we could go through all of this on our own. as it is, we've been losing it of late, as we've tried to slip back into 'normal' life, 'normal' routine.

today, we have some very special friends that we are most humbly grateful for. maria is truly one of my 'oldest' friends (not age wise!) from the early days of new york. when we all lived in shoe box apartments in the village (maria included), she exuded a kind of elegance and good taste that everyone wishes they had [she will be mortified if and when she reads this post, further painting an accurate picture of her characteristic humility]. she begets daniel, a great guy that jane and i have clicked with right from the beginning, and as our families have grown closer over the years, we've celebrated good times together and endured a few rough moments also. following our collective relationship is like taking a walk through all that life has to offer.

and when jane is in the thick of chemo, they offer us their home in miami for some recuperation once treatments are completed. it is perfect, says jane - do nothing but soak in warmth and sunshine ... not jockey for rooms with a view, or fight crowds for pool chairs, or drive from museum to museum ... rather, engage with peace and enjoy our family.

i am, well, not resistant per se, but rather thinking that it may be too pedestrian for our family, which has been globe-trotting the last few years. i am concerned about the kids turning into uneducated sloths, cultureless souls wandering the desert of american pop icons. i am worried that we'll be unmotivated to do anything at all, and that perhaps we should explore the argentinian pampas, or help in an orphanage in addis ababa, or scale ayers rock. no, jane insists that our friends good will and heartwarming gesture is what the doctor ordered.

so i glumly relent, feeling uninspired - yes, jane says, i WANT to be uninspired. i don't want to think, she insists. and she is right. we land on friday, trudging through miami international, bringing back memories of my own journeys to this, my father's hometown growing up, to my grandparents home (my sister and i used to call it the house that sparkles, due to it's stucco exterior studded with tiny glass crystals). the sun is shining, warm and lovely, and we make our way to 'our home' for the week.

maria and daniel are the consummate hosts, even while they are in new york and we are here solo. when we arrive, everything is inviting, pristine, serene, balanced, quiet. light, air, space - in fact, to call it a house is a misnomer - it is truly a lovely reflection of their own subdued and exquisite good taste [again, they will kill me when they read this unabashed praise being heaped upon them - although in my estimation rightfully deserved]. this trickles down to how they live, what type of people they are, and how they raise their children ... explaining our enduring friendship through all seasons of life. they leave us notes about what to do, where to go ... and we plan to follow religiously!!!

and so, we turn a page, sit by the pool, the kids frolicking. they are happy, we are at ease, and immediately learn to exhale. it clicks - the healing is not a physical healing for jane ... no, it is a family healing, a time to regroup, come together, and enjoy the simple pleasures as a unit. it's been a while, and if we return more placid and calm, it will be due to feeling, happily, breathless for a time ...

merci ...

pass over ...

it's time to pass over and move on,

tomorrow at this time we will be gone -
to greener pastures and palm trees too,
to connect with our lives and to feel brand new ...

the cancer has passed, and for this we are glad,
we've kicked out the mini, which really was bad,
the birthdays which make us feel old and gray,
have come and gone - we survived - yes, hurray

it has been some time since we got out our bags,
and filled them with outfits, cosmetics and mags,
and for this trip it's true, 'baggage' isn't our thing,
just ipods and swimsuits - will help make us sing!

we'll jump on the plane, a short flight it is,
and into miami we will quickly whiz,
our dear friends are wonderful absentee hosts,
we'll sit by the pool as we all look like ghosts

for seder we'll see our great canarick friends,
who've been with us all through this, making amends,
we'll eat all the matzah, enjoy every bite,
from publix we'll bring it for morning and night

we'll segway in south beach, design district too,
sit under the palms at crandon park, it's true ...
the venetian pool will bring back fond thoughts,
as we chomp on haroset, and not garlic knots!

with debbie and michael, and yes, dani too,
a kosher hotel will certainly do -
we'll sit by their beach, play canasta and swim,
and with their frum neighbors enjoy kosher slim jim!

ilyssa and bob, and the kids - that's quite nice,
some time on the beach with them (no sticky rice!)
and ruth and bernie - we may catch a quick glance,
to relax with them certainly would be a bonne chance

as the week goes forth quickly we'll cherish each moment,
and banish all thoughts of chemo and susan g. komen -
we'll just enjoy and recoup, rejuvenate, yay!
and try to relish each and every day ...

on the way back we must stop in atlanta,
and see john and hope and enjoy an orange fanta
at hartsfield they'll meet us with their kids in tow,
they were the first to see jared at sinai, you know ...

and finally home, but the fun will not stop
with robbin and larry in the city we will bop,
straight from the airport for coffee or wine,
and a lot of good cheer, it will be so fine!

and finally to eat some chametz, thanks ro!
we'll be there for dessert which will be quite a show,
we'll hopefully look very tanned and all buff,
and will tell you vacation was perfect enough!

chag sameyach to all!

getting older, not better!

today i turn 46, and feeling it!

many happy birthday wishes for all ... to be frank, i had completely forgotten about it myself until the other day (marlee, of course, reminds me). the kids make lovely cards, although of late i seem to be at war with them, jane, my mother, the neighbor's dog, afghanistan, etc.! ah, elusive peace, wherefore art thou?

people are surprised to learn that i am only 46 ... either i'm wise beyond my years (negative), or just look like utter cr_p! when i don a suit two days ago, literally every person i encounter (from the dry cleaner, to the cashier at the diner, to friends) comment on how sharp and great i look ... which can only mean that i am walking around looking liking a bum the other 99% of my life! is there a lesson in all that?

so yes, a bit older, a bit wiser, a bit more beaten up by life ... and just now forming callouses which will heal and make me stronger. being a parent to teenagers - that's got to add a good ten years to your visage and mental attitude. all's well that ends well though, and we conclude with a nice meal out (thanks jeff and kids), birthday cake, and friends. not bad for an old geyser!

jane is definitely looking forward to some r&r in miami to recuperate from it all!

h

brace yourself

today is the big day - the countdown ends, and marlee's braces come off! she's delighted, dreams of chewing gum become a reality!

while she is at the orthodontist, i run back to woodbury to attend a funeral - a dear friend's father who has passed away at the age of ninety. it's hard not to measure oneself, as one listens to the stories about someone who has enjoyed a full life. a man who has worked hard, been a devoted family person, and juggled everything successfully. can we say the same of ourselves? we are in the mid-section of life, the underbelly in a sense ... deep in the trenches. are we 'successful'? are we effective parents, good examples? a lot of thoughts run through my head as i listen to the rabbi, and the testimonies. given the turmoil of late, i'm not so sure -

jane visits the doctor today - she's in great shape (literally!) and he's happy with his 'work' - good news as bikini season arrives (haha!). i'm thinking of pectoral implants myself!

the weather is finally turning, it's pleasant and sunny, and the leaves are starting to unfold on the trees ... rebirth, regeneration, renewal. bracing ourselves for that new beginning ...

say wha?

i am now feeling the effects of chemo - not first hand, but second hand ...

jane is driving me insane! she is beyond forgetful - how about operating heavy machinery! keep those john deere's away from her, she's lethal! toxic! scary! she is completely losing her mind, causing me to completely lose my mind. can't remember where she saw someone, or where she's going, or what she's doing.

so i'm in the driver's seat for now, and it's a very good thing that we'll be away for ten days - that girl needs her bearings recalibrated ... i do hope that she recovers from this haze sometime soon, because i'm definitely not going to last.

if you see a swerving car on the road, clear out!

dance, dance, dance

we have been, for the most part, off of the party circuit lately. evenings out have consisted pretty much of time with close friends, quiet dinners, or walks in the city. jane is doing really, really well post surgery, and it is definitely another marker on the road back ... and it feels good.

today we have the opportunity to be at the bar mitzvah of close friends. what is particularly inspiring in this case is the closeness and participatory nature of the family - everyone is supportive, humorous, funny, and committed. grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles - everyone takes part in the ceremony, and not in a perfunctory way ... really connected to the bar mitzvah boy and the program at hand.

this spirit continues into the evening party, which has a 60's theme. jane dons new duds, purchased during a recent outing we had at h&m - she's sporting a long, red wig (thanks dani!), bell bottoms, flower power top, tattoos - and looks great! we dance the night away, have fun with our own friends, rock to the music - and bask in the glow coming from the host family. they are totally into the whole theme, doing oh-so-bad rhyme candlelightings (too hysterical!) and vamping it up in amazing costumes. it's great seeing a group of people who are 'up' and happy like this - as inspirational to us as anything we can think of.

so thanks levines for showing us a great time, a bright spot of late. topped off with genuine ladurée macarons from paris, delivered by ruth (she's the best!) - not too shabby!

a time 'twixt

'twas the latter part of the year, two thousand and nought seven, when me fair lady was put under ye knife. the doctor scripted a fine letter detailing the source of her plague - a type of spot relating to her female body parts (please excuse my frankness, it is imperative that i be direct).

measures were undertaken to rid her frail and declining body of the scourge - and although i was not privy to the procedure, i am told that when they administered the smelling salts she succumbed rather quickly and that the skill of the surgeon saved her utterly and completely.

in the days following this trauma, her spirits were fine. dressed in her finery, she entertained callers of all kinds, riding up in their carriages to our stately mansion, where tea and cakes were prepared and ingested. fresh flora and fauna filled our parlor and drawing room.

buoyed spirits prevailed, and she gained her strength back rather quickly. mothering our loving and adoring three children, she glowed despite the toll taken on her female body. she grew strong and confident during this period, which i humbly refer to as the rose age.

whilst plying the jungles of africa, it was communicated to me that the good doctors felt it necessary to be more diligent, and to take further steps to guard and ensure her continued good health. my reply back from the continent was that this seemed to be a logical response.

crossing the atlantic gave me opportunity to steady my resolve in aiding with the situation at hand. as the waves pounded the bow of the ship, i was called to recollect the pounding of the drums in the eastern part of africa.

upon my return home, it was quickly decided that treatments should begin immediately, and should ensue until the time of the emergence of the first cherry blossom on the trees that line the beloved tidal basin in our nation's capital.

although this treatment, which involved leaches and other grim and unseemly methods, passed quickly, the toll taken on our family life was immense. a weakened and disoriented patient prevailed, causing alarm in the young children. i could see by the burning embers their concern as we regaled ourselves around the hearth.

me lady was barely able to drive her favorite steed during this period (we have since put down the beast, too ungainly for her at this point, and have replaced him with a fine young colt with a shiny red coat).

the result of all of this hullabaloo is the disruption of life which continues to this day. we find it difficult to fall into a peaceful routine, recognizing that during the initial trauma we were able to steady ourselves and even, at times, find humor in the details.

now, however, it is more tedious to climb the road back to those days of yore, a simpler time uncomplicated by the concerns of health and age. it has taken a toll which, dare i say, may take a fortnight to recover from.

thoughtfully and most sincerely yours,

h

out with the old, in with the new!

no, not talking about plastic surgery! much more critically, the mini is gone - caput - a figment of our (twisted) imaginations. that little yellow bee has flown away for good - good! and in it's stead is the red beetle - just on time, for some good luck! now, we've pinned all our hopes on this car and it better come through!

a sense of relief ... yes, it seems totally ridiculous, and yet, somehow we've convinced ourselves that everything will run smoothly now that the VW has arrived. red - a protective amulet of sorts.

the question i pose as we pull up into the driveway is: are we in forward or reverse? when we move into the house eight years ago, we are driving the exact same 'pair' of cars ... a red beetle and a white suburban. and that's what's sitting out there now - so maybe it's just a case of back to the future?

at any rate, it feels good for jane, a fresh start of sorts. a nice clean white interior (pure), a shiny bright red exterior (flashy) - maybe exactly what we're looking for in ourselves!

happy driving,

h

lady of leisure

i am quite convinced that if jane were home full time, we'd both be in the loony bin!

omg! yackety, yack, yack. the phone ringing all day. she: upstairs chatting, laughing vigorously (not that there's anything wrong with that!), comparing 'scrips with joan, comparing marrakech with debbie from bruxelles, entertaining callers in person - a real lunching lady! of course, one day does not a bon-bon eating socialite make (but a damn good impression if i've ever seen one).

left side is sore. resting in bed watching netflix. putting feet up. AND THAT WAS JUST ME! you should see her!

alas, a new start, body back in form, healing and moving forward. although jane will be the first to tell you that i pushed her towards this surgery despite her reluctance to do it now, i'm 100% convinced it's for the best ... the quicker she is 'healed' - at least physically - the more she'll be in a position to get beyond this. if there is such a thing as getting beyond it.

i don't mind being the fall guy, that's okay ... and sometimes, just sometimes, your spouse can see what's best for you (who would ever actually admit to that though???). by week's end jane should be back in rare form, and before you know it we'll escape the cool april weather and we'll be enjoying miami, courtesy of maria and daniel's generous offer. it will be great to chill out, be away from our own environment, and feel the sun's warm rays.

tomorrow's another day ...

those canadian girls

it may not be a well know fact, but pamela anderson is a home grown canuck! she was born and raised in british columbia in western canada. a fact more widely known is the enhanced voluptuousness of this young mountie!

another canadian girl undergoes a similar procedure today - but for completely different reasons (and hopefully with completely different, less obvious results!). when we arrive for the operation earlier this morning, they quiz jane. "would you like steroids?", or not. "would you like to be intibated?", or not. [i'm not even sure what that one means!]. "gel or saline?". "small, medium, large?". well, what's a girl to do. and of course, at that point it hits me - why she has been somewhat resistant to doing this step. it's been a lot of decisions, a lot of process, and i suppose that she just wants it all to be done. jane is comforted by the fact that the anaesthesiologist, who is patient and knowledgeable, has just gone through mastectomy and chemo herself (last year) - so she truly knows what the emotions and physical ramifications are.

jane is doing tremendously well after surgery - the team at winthrop has been fantastic, as has dr. 'goldfinger' as jane comes to call him in the early days. he nips, he tucks, he even fixes an errant earlobe, and voila! she's out in no time flat, feeling well but groggy in recovery, and before you know it, they send her on her way! a quick visit by hadas rounds out the event, then home she is, lying down and recuperating, happy to have passed through this phase.

on the other side of the afternoon, we both seem relieved. it's a good thing. another link in the chain, another step towards recovery.

here we go ...

today, well - you know the drill ... a little café gitane, a walk with pam, the book store, some shopping - really nice! it is so great being downtown - feeling ALIVE, out of our usual skin, and good for the spirits (not to mention fun!). even the kids come along, which is a nice treat, and despite threats of mutiny for arising so early, they are good with the whole thing.

the afternoon is relaxing at home - jane taking it easy in preparation for tomorrow, andi and some friends building ancient rome in a day (clay), and marlee and jared catching up on some work and hanging out. i cook for hours - it seems as if we need a real sunday night dinner - and it's nice being in the kitchen without having to rush.

it's hard to believe that tomorrow jane goes under the knife as it were - her surgery is a 3 hour affair, but she is scheduled to be back home by the early evening ... we pack up and get organized, the kids will manage on their own after school (!) and i'll stay at the hospital for the duration. i really believe that receiving the final version of the implants will bring a sense of completeness to this 'process' - maybe not necessarily to the whole breast cancer event and ensuing ramifications, but at minimum to the physical effects. already her figure is coming back into line, where she feels more naturally comfortable - the chemo really does a number on 'ya! so i think this step will help ...

we'll keep you posted, it's going to be a long day!

h

now that's better

sometimes when things don't seem to be going right, you realize it's all in the attitude.

i honestly believe that part of the bad karma we've been feeling, oozing, living, has to do with our general outlook.

cancer + age - (insecurity in future x teenage years) + college = insanity!

we have a late dinner with the kids and marlee's friend. baguette, smoked salmon, assorted cheeses, salad - light and easy. marlee's friends' father comes in and tells us he's struck by the spirit of place, by color, by youth. and he talks - about books, intellect, ego - and we realize ... all is not lost! there is hope! sometimes it just takes someone else to say, in their own unobtrusive way - "hey, it's all okay!". an impartial observer if you will.

so that's how the day wraps up - maybe, on top of everything, we're just overexposed to the craziness of american culture - the hummers, the fake body parts, the constant drive for more - and we haven't had that family dose of foreign travel. so we've gone a bit stir crazy, demented. and we just need to be snapped back into shape and get our act together.

hopefully we're blindly moving in the right direction, heaven knows we need it. we had a more youthful, unbeaten spirit after jane was diagnosed and had surgery than we have at this point -doesn't really make any sense.

so thanks to this new acquaintance for shaking us up a bit with an infusion of positivity!

juggling act

today is the end of a long, frightful week
we're happy it's over, it's not been a peak -
more like a valley all covered with gloom
the stress and anxiety the cause i presume!

as monday approaches and surgery beckons,
we seem to lose track of the minutes and seconds ...
the kids are consuming, but that's nothing new,
the hours for work, they kind of are few

we'll get back on track after monday is over,
and dream of safari seen from a range rover ...
a plan for south africa's finally been made,
to use up our tickets for which we had paid

but the end of the week brings a nice friday night
at our friends home we laugh and have fun - a nice sight
a dinner so tasty, with wine flowing too,
and company that makes us feel like brand new

there was a nice spot, with andi's big day,
the kids in circus school, and yet, some more play
and jared and marlee, the typical teens,
communicating and watching the games by all means

oh, and did i mention (this you won't believe)
the old mini cooper had a trick up it's sleeve -
i stopped off at staples to pick up some stuff,
and when i emerged, car is dead - that's enough!

alas, the weekend is here, we'll regroup and recharge,
we'll catch up at home, then you'll find us at large,
in new york, roaming streets, seeing old friends, with a drink -
a nice few days 'off' where we won't have to think

so monday begins a new phase on this path,
which is really quite quick if you do the right math-
in november it started, so five months have flown,
all that's happened, the effects could not have been known ...

force of nature

today ... well, the best that can be said is that it's almost (finally!) over.

never one to rush time, i find myself counting the minutes to april 3rd. the entire breast cancer 'event' has definitely taken it's toll ... on family life, waist lines, and general outlook towards the future.

we argue, we conjecture, we pontificate ... nothing seems particularly harmonious or easy today. it starts in the morning, continues through the afternoon, and ends in the evening. like a day when the weather keeps turning (rain, then brief sunshine, then dark clouds) we move through moods and phases.

somehow, this is all easier in the early stages of november. now that jane is closer to being 'done' it's the emotional toll that's getting to all of us. we're all off kilter, and my estimation is that this is a building insecurity ... about the future, where we're headed, how will we manage, will we be okay? will the kids make out alright? could just be a bit of bad timing - going through cancer while the kids are teenagers - but there's no choice with that!

ruth emails from paris, enjoying a berthillon ice cream on ile st. louis - how i need a dose of french sanity!

the day almost done, and i guess we've all gotten everything off of our minds. not much more to say, except good riddance april 2nd 2008!

fool's gold

when we were little, april fool's day was a big event!

now, in our smaller and more cynical world, a day dedicated to fooling, humbling, or otherwise tricking others has lost it's luster. it's no longer a novelty, it's de rigeur!

we are lulled into this state in many wondrous ways ... fraudulent claims on the basis for war, presidential campaigners slinging mud (and un-truths) at each other, and just the way our dumb human brains abuse the planet and each other.

so it is refreshing to return to a bit of naivety on april 1st, and to cajole others into seeing what is not there, believing what is not real. to do it, and then touch upon the experience as a guilty pleasure - how sweet (and presumably NOT mean spirited).

and maybe that's the point of this day, which is quickly drawing to a close - to remind us that in spite of all of life's hard realities (ahem!), we can still be simplistic and optimistic and unwitting - oh, what a joy!

h