lady of leisure

i am quite convinced that if jane were home full time, we'd both be in the loony bin!

omg! yackety, yack, yack. the phone ringing all day. she: upstairs chatting, laughing vigorously (not that there's anything wrong with that!), comparing 'scrips with joan, comparing marrakech with debbie from bruxelles, entertaining callers in person - a real lunching lady! of course, one day does not a bon-bon eating socialite make (but a damn good impression if i've ever seen one).

left side is sore. resting in bed watching netflix. putting feet up. AND THAT WAS JUST ME! you should see her!

alas, a new start, body back in form, healing and moving forward. although jane will be the first to tell you that i pushed her towards this surgery despite her reluctance to do it now, i'm 100% convinced it's for the best ... the quicker she is 'healed' - at least physically - the more she'll be in a position to get beyond this. if there is such a thing as getting beyond it.

i don't mind being the fall guy, that's okay ... and sometimes, just sometimes, your spouse can see what's best for you (who would ever actually admit to that though???). by week's end jane should be back in rare form, and before you know it we'll escape the cool april weather and we'll be enjoying miami, courtesy of maria and daniel's generous offer. it will be great to chill out, be away from our own environment, and feel the sun's warm rays.

tomorrow's another day ...

shakespeare in love

valium, o' valium - wherefore art thou?

whether 'tis nobler in the mind, to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune (well, you get the picture) ...

cabin fever - walls closing in - life upside down - mayhem - run for the hills ... not quite, actually, just a mini-sense of confinement and temporary insanity. jane is tired but actually okay, just in time for next friday's final dose (insidious clear deadly liquid otherwise known as chemo). whatever will we order from netflix for the big event. it's been a long path; somehow the yellow brick road is losing it's luster! but we go on, life goes on, it's all just a bit much ...

the kids - doing great, doing their thing, being teens and almost-teens. actually quite pleasant of late, surely a result of their status as official loafers for the past ten days. it's seems as if it's ratcheted down the frenzy, which is good! tomorrow i will enjoy the boys in the evening, while jane and marlee get treated (thanks donna & sarah!) to a wonderful evening out in the city ... dinner, then a broadway show (legally blonde) - lucky them, girls night out in nyc! [how will jane stay awake past 9 - i know i sure can't!].

in the meantime, dreaming of paris and a walk along the seine ...

my life as a dog ...

one of the upsides of jane's breast cancer diagnosis (oxymoron!) is our family's discovery of netflix. no, we have not been living under a rock, just somehow this escaped us. everytime we want to sit down together to watch a movie on tv - almost never, actually - there is nothing on! incredibly frustrating. but now, we have this online dvd ordering service - so easy, quick, and fun! they have every single movie ever made i think ... foreign, funny, just released, etc..

so last night, we treat ourselves to the swedish classic my life as a dog. a very bittersweet film detailing the humorous shenanigans of a young boy whose mother is gravely ill (t.b. or cancer, not quite sure). he reflects often on his own condition, but then compares it to others who are much worse off than him (in a most endearing and comical way) ... of course, no one's head was been blown off, and there's not much sexuality or swearing - amazing we are still able to be entertained!

on this beautiful sunny day, we chill out ... jane reads for a good part of the day, the kids sleep forever, and i do a little cooking. jane is functional but uncomfortable - just not feeling herself, alas no traveling over the next few days (so thoughts of an impromptu trip are out the window). a round of haircuts for all ... except for jane and i of course. [the kids deride us: "we have the only two bald parents in new york", etc.!]. then off to the city for a quick bite of asian at lovely day ... yum and fun!

now home under the covers, watching some tv ... everyone's in, it's nice and toasty ... it's a dog's life!

chemo, chemo, 1, 2, 3

day three of poison,
what a joy!
the fine clear liquid,
oy, yoy, yoy ...

we wake up early,
straighten each room
drink a great big latté,
with a sense of doom!

everybody up and out,
get the kids to school,
arrive on time for chemo,
they tell us that's the rule

through netflix we've furnished,
ourselves with dvd's -
hannah and her sisters,
in computer on my knees ...

all this stuff goes smoothly,
much seltzer we do drink -
we watch some mary tyler moore,
and have no time to think

we cheerily wish nurse au revoir,
and say that we'll have lunch,
a grand luxe salad hits the spot,
a good place for this munch

to home we go, more coffee's brewed,
we do some work at one
and pick up mail and kids at three,
see chemo is such fun!

jane is fine, just feeling great,
and she looks quite well too,
but then when i get back from dropoffs,
she's feeling kind of blue

the steroids - have they done their job?
she's feeling really sore,
which just came on in quite a flash,
there's more of that in store ...

kristals drop by, with some hugs,
and shabbat dinner too -
flowers, wine, and their warm words
their kindness, nothing new!

on politics, we have a chat,
and speak about obama,
he's got my vote for president,
bet he can find osama!

we all convene for friday night,
the dinner is delicious,
and when the kids do help clean up,
i'm feeling quite suspicious

we settle down, put our feet up,
and turn on pbs
to watch britcoms from bbc,
'bout how life is a mess

so now, three down, but one to go
and my, see how time flies -
just one more dose and then jane's done,
we'll say our fond goodbyes!

all misty eyed

there's a gorilla in our midst - an 800 pound gorilla for that matter! we just walk gingerly around it - moving to and fro as if it's not there. seems to work somehow ...

so all of this chemo has taken over jane body and mind (but not her spirit!) - she really can't remember things, feels a bit puffy, more tired than usual, etc.. basically, it totally sucks! and i am utterly intolerant and impatient when she forgets these small details, so i've come to the conclusion that i am a horrible caregiver, and by extension, a horrible person! the kids - well, they just make fun of her to add more levity (and misery!) to the whole process ... quel horreur!

another day slips by ... school conferences for marlee (great!), which brings a smile to our faces. election results do the same, and as previously noted we are both happy with either democratic candidate, so that's all good. and to further keep the train moving, i suggest we return to wednesday night dinners in the city as a family ... but by the time that rolls around, jane is feeling sore and tired. we opt for sushi out here, and stocking the house with groceries (forcing the kids into unwelcome, and in their opinion, unwarranted child labor!).

we round out the evening with rootbeer and our netflix copy of gorillas in the mist - the story of dian fossey in rwanda. very inspiring and frightening at the same time ... this lone ranger who almost singlehandedly stopped the extinction of the african mountain gorilla, while suffering through their horrific slaughter and her own eventual demise. incredible, as today it is possible to venture into virunga national park, just two hours from kigali, and be up close with these amazing souls.

no gorillas for jane until a week from friday, so we're just focusing on staying in our groove until then - eating well, friends, exercise, and life!

testing: one, two, three

ahhh, the good ol' BRCA test rears it's ugly head!

most people who take this test, which determines if the subject has a genetic mutation which may potentially lead to breast cancer, are either positive or negative. jane, however, is neither - an anomaly rarely seen, or at least her 'version' is rarely seen. it has only been documented in one other family - and as previously noted, was not an indicator either way for possible cause of cancer. additionally, this diagnostic tool can inform oncologists post-surgery and treatment - do ovaries require removal, as the mutated gene is also an indicator for ovarian cancer. if said bits and pieces are taken out, menopause ensues, along with all of the complications brought on by an immediate 'life change' as opposed to a gradual subsidence of fertility!

so we look to this test, and it's strangely and very uncharacteristically inconclusive ... ugggghhhh! jane is forced to have her parents tested in canada - if they carry this same mutation, and are healthy (ie. cancer free) then this odd situation means nothing - and jane can sit tight. so, test kits go fedex, and are held up at canadian customs, and jane screams, and the bloods are drawn, and the kits fedexed back, and are held up at u.s. customs, and jane screams, and the tests go to the lab.

and they come back showing that jane's mother, who has never had cancer, also has this seemingly innocuous mutation only known in one other family. so that's good news for the BRCA burkah test! we think no more impending surgeries, female mutilation, or other unspeakable acts which tend to drive us insane. but who knows, we'll see what the doctors say!

round two of chemo lurks on friday, we're armed with netflix dvd's, bald heads, and clear minds. dinner will arrive courtesy of noushin, laleh, sheila, and gang - sparing me the indignity of struggling to throw something together in my distracted state. a weekend of forced rest is assured - maybe i'll organize the taxes (the pain of it all!) and make productive use of the time while jane (hopefully) slumbers and finds her equilibrium.

stay tuned!

tomorrow, tomorrow, i'll love ya, tomorrow!

it looms large ...

tomorrow morning, chemo begins! jane is definitely thrown off by this, although she moves forward with grace and ease ... it's the big unknown. everyone is asking if she'll be tired, nauseus, sleepy. will her hair fall out right away, or will it take time; will she cut it all off before it starts to disappear?

actually, we have no idea! we are totally clueless. we have lots of netflix movies and wine, so i think we're pretty much covered. there is a degree of dread in the air, but in reality jane is working today and we're going out for dinner tonight. we really just don't know what's going to happen - how she'll feel, or if she'll be okay tomorrow but not so great on saturday. if i know jane she'll be great both days and beyond.

we've been told that the effects are cumulative - in other words, she might have less energy in march than she does on sunday. we'll go away in the spring to miami to get some r&r; many thanks to maria and daniel (!!!).

jc checked in on me today, treating me to lunch to make sure that i'm okay (i am), and others have been kindly offering their words of support ... all of which has made jane feel as if she's not alone, that she's connected, and that everyone has her in their thoughts - so important for her, particularly at a moment when it's easy to feel isolated.

the kids, you ask? oblivious! a blessing in disguise? deep disguise, i say. good for them. well, we don't have much choice about taking the plunge, so here we go ... we'll keep you posted!

h