guilty conscience?

it's a wierd thing, but the more i push jane, the more i find i'm the messenger being shot. for example, i know that she is eager to exercise, now that she's been given the green light from her physician. she would like to increase her upper body strength, augment her range of motion, etc.. so she's doing that, but still running around waking the kids, making lunches, unloading the dishwasher, loading laundry - all of which i can do or assist with or do away with altogether. and when she's doing that 'stuff', it means she's not taking care of her own self.

and more importantly and telling, not really making TIME for her own self. i see her scurrying about a lot - rushing to work, then rushing home, then rushing to something else. all of which is normal this time of year, but my sense is that she feels as if she's 'missed' the past six months, and she owes it to everyone to 'catch up'- at work, at home, with friends.

in reality, at least from where i sit, she didn't miss a bit during surgeries and treatments. she continues to work all the way through, see friends and socialize, travel, run the house with me, be there for the kids ... so i'm not quite sure i understand this heightened anxiety about totally immersing oneself into all of this minutia.

in fact, this is probably the most critical part of her 'treatment' after the physical repairs. it's the mental and emotional well being and recovery ... making space and time for that to happen. peace, serenity, relaxation ... or party, going out, engaging with the city. i'm not quite sure which option is best, but i know that it's important for her to be a bit selfish right now, and she's doing exactly the opposite.

not to mention that when i tell her this, i'm the enemy! yesterday i make it clear that i'm trying to assist her by telling her to leave everything and go exercise; i'm doing this for her own best interests. i have no alterior motive, other than to make her feel better and get well. i tell her to take a week and go away somewhere alone. let's see, i just don't want her running herself ragged, feeling 'guilty' that she's put all of us through this (absurd, but i suppose somehow comprehensible as one emerges from the shock of breast cancer diagnosis, treatment, and recuperation)...

mon ami; my ami; mi ami; my friend

if jane and i were to recount the good deeds done on our behalf over the last five months, we'd have a laundry list par excellence. beyond flowers after surgery, heartfelt notes of encouragement, shabbat dinners, pickups, dropoffs, and people checking in, there has been so much love sent our way! it's quite impossible to annotate how critical all of this has been to the healing process, and how happy (and lucky) we've been in the friendship circles we're a part of.

old friends from camp, new friends made from the kids, family, friends of friends, and everything in between. and although some shy away from the 'spotlight' during times of trouble, we decide early on to be 'out there' and just let it all wash over us ... i mean, life is messy to begin with, so what's the point of cocooning anyways? and we're certainly glad we choose this route, as we frankly conclude that there is NO way we could go through all of this on our own. as it is, we've been losing it of late, as we've tried to slip back into 'normal' life, 'normal' routine.

today, we have some very special friends that we are most humbly grateful for. maria is truly one of my 'oldest' friends (not age wise!) from the early days of new york. when we all lived in shoe box apartments in the village (maria included), she exuded a kind of elegance and good taste that everyone wishes they had [she will be mortified if and when she reads this post, further painting an accurate picture of her characteristic humility]. she begets daniel, a great guy that jane and i have clicked with right from the beginning, and as our families have grown closer over the years, we've celebrated good times together and endured a few rough moments also. following our collective relationship is like taking a walk through all that life has to offer.

and when jane is in the thick of chemo, they offer us their home in miami for some recuperation once treatments are completed. it is perfect, says jane - do nothing but soak in warmth and sunshine ... not jockey for rooms with a view, or fight crowds for pool chairs, or drive from museum to museum ... rather, engage with peace and enjoy our family.

i am, well, not resistant per se, but rather thinking that it may be too pedestrian for our family, which has been globe-trotting the last few years. i am concerned about the kids turning into uneducated sloths, cultureless souls wandering the desert of american pop icons. i am worried that we'll be unmotivated to do anything at all, and that perhaps we should explore the argentinian pampas, or help in an orphanage in addis ababa, or scale ayers rock. no, jane insists that our friends good will and heartwarming gesture is what the doctor ordered.

so i glumly relent, feeling uninspired - yes, jane says, i WANT to be uninspired. i don't want to think, she insists. and she is right. we land on friday, trudging through miami international, bringing back memories of my own journeys to this, my father's hometown growing up, to my grandparents home (my sister and i used to call it the house that sparkles, due to it's stucco exterior studded with tiny glass crystals). the sun is shining, warm and lovely, and we make our way to 'our home' for the week.

maria and daniel are the consummate hosts, even while they are in new york and we are here solo. when we arrive, everything is inviting, pristine, serene, balanced, quiet. light, air, space - in fact, to call it a house is a misnomer - it is truly a lovely reflection of their own subdued and exquisite good taste [again, they will kill me when they read this unabashed praise being heaped upon them - although in my estimation rightfully deserved]. this trickles down to how they live, what type of people they are, and how they raise their children ... explaining our enduring friendship through all seasons of life. they leave us notes about what to do, where to go ... and we plan to follow religiously!!!

and so, we turn a page, sit by the pool, the kids frolicking. they are happy, we are at ease, and immediately learn to exhale. it clicks - the healing is not a physical healing for jane ... no, it is a family healing, a time to regroup, come together, and enjoy the simple pleasures as a unit. it's been a while, and if we return more placid and calm, it will be due to feeling, happily, breathless for a time ...

merci ...