on dating ...

i remark to a wise (but not old!) friend the other morning that jane and i have fallen into a curious new routine - at least for us, considering that we are customarily social butterflies in the summer months. and certainly a bit odd, considering events of the past year.

throughout jane's journey through her encounter with breast cancer, we stay in touch with everyone - via blog, phone calls, lots of visits, friday night dinners, saturdays with friends, sundays in the city. being plugged in not only is helpful to the kids, but we really believe that it helps in the healing process. those times - and there were only a few of them - when either jane or i weren't up to be around people, we push ourselves and remain engaged. so 'looking back', even after this short interval since all treatments are completed, we see a picture of continuity ... we move through the experience without missing a beat.

so one would think that there is a huge sigh of relief (there is), and as the kids ship off to canada for another rowdy camp period, we should(?) be whooping it up every night - dinner parties, large gatherings of friends, weekends away - right?

well, in fact the opposite has seemed to happen. we seem to be a bit 'unplugged' ... not exactly sequestered, and surely our brand of low-key socializing would perhaps strike others as full steam ahead. but it does seem, to us at least, that we've quieted down and that this summer is full of calm and introspection. we work during the day, and sometimes into early evening; i organize the house after a year of chaos; then we find our way downtown for a glass of wine in nolita.

i mention this to my friend, and she looks at me askew. "you're dating", she says. "you're dating your wife"! ahhhhh!!! it's like a light bulb has gone off. yes, that's it. we're dating - it's oddly like twenty years ago. we do our own separate thing during the day, convene at 6 or 7 pm, have a light salad and catch up on events (with nary a responsibility in sight), then spontaneously head into the city at the hour that we would normally be turning in from exhaustion.

it's quite exhilarating and fun, this dating thing!

serendipity

this summer, we have dedicated ourselves to putting to bed the events of this past year, wrapping them neatly, tying a bow around them, and moving forward. of course, life is never that easy or compartmentalized, so we'll settle for being spontaneous and letting the summer unfold - at least socially. paradoxically, we are (attempting to be) the opposite when it comes to goals - things we want to accomplish by september. this gives us a sense of empowerment i suppose, and of course, we could delve into all of the psychological reasons for this ... but it's all pretty obvious - loss of health control equals need for mastery over other parts of life. so we dedicate ourselves to work, organizing the house, and reaching those goals.

last night, we take care of some business uptown, and venture downtown to our favorite haunts. we decide to do some light shopping, and i need to pick up my altered jeans at the very-cool uniqlo store on broadway. passing by our most favorite sunday morning bookstore, mcnally robinson (of canadian pedigree), we see that our friend rachel stolzman is having a signing and reading of her new novel 'the sign for drowning'. we pop in, hugs ensue, and we are delighted to see the young stolzman men and carolyn. so much fun, so youthful ... we lament that we are old washed up dinosaurs, they vehemently protest, and we are delighted! we decide to join them for drinks after our little shopping spree (not so much a spree as a whimper!) ... and we toast to rachel's success!!!

jane and i pop into the aptly named lovely day for a quick bite - it's 10pm, well past our bedtime and certainly well past when we should be starting dinner, but it's quick and fun and lively, and we feel invigorated by the way the night has developed. exactly what is needed after a year of appointments, tests, and dates looming ... just to wander free, bump into people, feel alive!!!

can it be?

is it true? is summer really (finally!) here? can we eat ice cream? frolic in bare feet? eat outside?

the interesting thing about the change of seasons is the marking of time. as jane goes into 'the deep void' in november, the leaves have turned, it's mid-fall, and the temperature continues to drop. it feels like the beginning of winter - a bleak and dreary time (although frankly, i think that winter this year surpasses spring for sunshine and warmth!).

a wet spring produces a multitude of storms, and schizophrenic days - warm, then cool, dry, then moist - and everyone's mood seems to follow! but now the grass is green, the leaves abundant, and we have sun - yes, sun! and it seems like a meteorological conclusion, quite metaphorical actually, to jane's journey into, around, and over breast cancer. it's like a new beginning.

it is time for the beach! for yankee stadium! for ralph's italian ices! oh, the glory of it all, everyone smiling, tops down on the cabriolets, shorts and flip flops. this past weekend, we indulge profusely - we flit from one pool party to the next, from one BBQ to another. copious amounts of mustard and ketchup are ingested, with a side of burgers and foot longs. beer, wine, lemonade! and friends! everyone's come out to play!

one of our most favorite things in the world to do - a day well spent at robert moses state park, where one can find the most lovely, untouched beach at the western tip of fire island. where, in fact, it is just a tad too windy for swimming and relaxing, we instead take a long stroll through dunes and sea grasses to the fire island light house. it is pristine, quiet, peaceful. we continue further along, passing beach cottages, to kismet - a quaint 'town' - for ice cream. the two hour round trip walk transports us to the most heavenly of places - a platitude not known since our days in miami some weeks ago.

additionally, jane and i share a funny experience on sunday morning - a picture perfect day. we venture into the city for our usual sunday morning petit dejeuner, and we are seated next to a lovely young couple with a baby slung over the wife's mid-section (five weeks old). we strike up a conversation, and despite the fact that we are inches apart, it is clear that we (both couples) are peering across an invisible time barrier. they are fresh new parents, and have a whole lifetime of experiences to fulfill. they do not know what lies ahead, but they are confident that it is full of promise, hope, good things. we are on the other side, fondly recalling those early, innocent days of marriage, parenthood; we too recall those optimistic sentiments, untouched by realities. they look at us, and think it's sounds great - three grown children, a home, stability - and can't imagine the path that leads to this particular spot. a curious and compelling divide.

here we go ...

today, well - you know the drill ... a little café gitane, a walk with pam, the book store, some shopping - really nice! it is so great being downtown - feeling ALIVE, out of our usual skin, and good for the spirits (not to mention fun!). even the kids come along, which is a nice treat, and despite threats of mutiny for arising so early, they are good with the whole thing.

the afternoon is relaxing at home - jane taking it easy in preparation for tomorrow, andi and some friends building ancient rome in a day (clay), and marlee and jared catching up on some work and hanging out. i cook for hours - it seems as if we need a real sunday night dinner - and it's nice being in the kitchen without having to rush.

it's hard to believe that tomorrow jane goes under the knife as it were - her surgery is a 3 hour affair, but she is scheduled to be back home by the early evening ... we pack up and get organized, the kids will manage on their own after school (!) and i'll stay at the hospital for the duration. i really believe that receiving the final version of the implants will bring a sense of completeness to this 'process' - maybe not necessarily to the whole breast cancer event and ensuing ramifications, but at minimum to the physical effects. already her figure is coming back into line, where she feels more naturally comfortable - the chemo really does a number on 'ya! so i think this step will help ...

we'll keep you posted, it's going to be a long day!

h

she's havin' my baby!

or so she thinks - poor jane, chemo has left her feeling as if she's carrying twins - yikes! no buns in the oven however, just the remnants of chemicals running through her veins. so be it, this too shall come to pass!

sunday in the city - isn't it a pity! so absolutely lovely, cool and clear. whilst listening to radio france internationale in the car on the way to nolita, we get a call from henry and ali - it's 8:30 in the morning, they'd like to meet us at café gitane - great! we peruse the paper and warm up until they arrive, and enjoy a lovely breakfast together - so nice to catch up! a stroll in soho, past the apple store (maroon 5 concert with people having slept out in front of the store in order to snag a spot), making a loop, a bit of furniture shopping, then we part ways ... so nice to have the company!

back home, to a clean home i might add (thanks kids!) and a bit of lazing about. marlee and i go for a drive on the north shore while jane relaxes - much needed - and andi and jared enjoy friends' company. we convene for dinner with the 5c's for sunday night ben's dinner - again, great to be in the company of our special friends!

end of the school break, everyone back on track tomorrow, jane back to work, and life returns to it's rhythm for now.

the mini cooper's windshield wipers are not working - always an ominous sense of doom prevailing when the car starts to falter ... wish us luck!

h

thanks a lock

i neglect to mention throughout all of this discussion (endless discussion) about wigs, hair, and other hirsute pursuits (not trivial, of course), that not only has jane cropped her cheveux ... she follows in marlee's footsteps. the discarded ponytail from her new bob will make it's way to pantene, where it will become part of a wig for another unknown cancer patient in the process of losing her hair to the effects of chemotherapy (pantene beautiful lengths campaign).

jane feels great about this development - being able to help a fellow 'sister' in need, and the irony of marlee's own identical act of selflessness in august, pre-diagnosis, does not elude us ...

it's a bright, sunny clear day in new york - all the kids have slept out, and we roam the city last night, catching persepolis at the angelika and enjoying ginger fried chicken at lovely day with ali & henry ... divine! we will now sneak into nolita for café creme, friands, and fresh squeezed oj - a downtown treat at gitanes before we return to pick up the little ones ...

looking for mrs. goodbar

not such a great start to the day.

it's saturday morning, and i'm expecting jane to sleep in. the sun is streaming into our bedroom, it's a gorgeous fall day, the kids are slumbering giants, and all is quiet. in the best of times, jane needs here sleep on the weekends - i'm usually up puttering, making crepes or muffins, then exercising, reading the sunday times (delivered on saturday), chillaxing as the kids say.

today i sleep until 7:30 - extremely late for me - and when i turn over, jane is up, on the computer, in bed beside me. she is furtively researching, scrolling, clicking, looking sternly at the screen. i'm afraid to ask what she's looking at, or what she's looking for. "what does it say", i query. "what did you find", i persist. "nothing", she answers blankly. hmmm. physician heal thyself may not be the best way to go here.

we make coffee and sip it out of our big, french 'bowls' and leaf through the paper. jane really is in disbelief. i am not. i suppose, being an eternal optimist and the one who is always full of hope (something great ALWAYS lies around the corner), it is odd that i concurrently am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop (it has! ouch!).

exercise follows - we need to be 'strong' - then the kids are up. andi does a school packet on the floor beside me while i ride the stationary bike and watch paula dean on the food network. jane is still doing research in bed. when we regroup in the kitchen, andi and marlee make delicious cinnamon scones under my direction - they make an ungodly mess and i have infinite (uncharacteristic) patience. slow and steady.

the kids eat, we hang out, lounge about, and even jared is up. jane's decided to clean up her closet - a mess - although not in a 'i have cancer and need to take control of my life since i have no control over my body' sort of way, just something she's been meaning to get to. we have an afternoon bar mitzvah to attend this evening, local on long island, as well as a 'sex party' (not quite sure about the details) to celebrate a friend's fortieth birthday (downtown manhattan). recognizing that the two are mutually exclusive scheduling wise, we jettison the concept of going to the city at midnight ... under the best of circumstances we're under the covers with a glass of wine by 10pm every night. it's only noon and we practically have to start getting ready!

marlee tries on all of jane's clothes and shoes, piled up nilly willy around our clean and spartan room. it remains a beautiful day. what's going to happen to this very uncomplicated life we lead? lots of weekend time with the kids, hanging out in nolita or at the south shore beaches? how will jane fare? it will be strange for her - to 'lose' her rather well-endowed breasts. and what about her hair - flat ironed, colored, flowing - will she need treatment beyond our own self-diagnosed surgery? [she always wanted smaller boobs ... not the best way to go about it, darling]. personally, i don't care about any of that ... that sounds wrong ... i care, of course, if jane cares, but that does not 'define' her in my eyes. i just want her to be well.

we get dressed, jane looks lovely in her silver heels and hoops, her long, clingy hervé leger style dress that she picked up at the designer market on bleecker street. we make a rather dashing couple for old, washed up souls that we are - me in my black velvet h&m jacket and my newly sprouted mustache (the bane of jane and the kids' existence). jared is going out, marlee and andi will be home, and we are off too.

as we dance later at the party following the religious service, we are handed sunglasses as party favors while boogying on the floor. we both put them on, and suddenly jane looks like a young diane keaton in some movie - i can't recall - and i really see that we are at this stage in life. jane has cancer, we're swinging at an affair, and we're middle aged. we are, in fact, all grown up, at another crossroad. she looks beautiful, and i'm feeling a bit randy looking at her.